Valentine’s Day Gift Guide
Gifts for Men
There’s no better way to celebrate your husband or boyfriend’s sweaty, throbbing obsession with Clay Aiken than with this outdated wall calendar, featuring gorgeous glossy photographs of the matinee idol looking uncomfortable and intestinally perturbed in a never ending series of hideous button-up dress shirts. It also includes the listed dates and corresponding holidays of the year 2005 of our Lord. Lest you think an expired calendar lacks practical value, a quick bit of internet research promises that the calendar dates of that year will next be repeated in 2022! So go ahead and clean that pie off your face, you fucking idiot.
Amazon user review: “The pictures are huge and beautiful, really showing off what a great person Clay is.” (usagi)
Ladies, when a man loves a woman, he eventually needs to slice through the meaty cable tethering her to her offspring like an indifferent chef chopping up salami for some grotesque hors d’oeuvres. That’s why umbilical cord scissors are the biggest V-day hallmark this side of flowers. And I know what you’re thinking! “Can’t we just use a regular pair of scissors, or even like a letter opener or whatever? How expensive are they anyway? Do they have to make a racket out of everything these days?” Well, to answer to your questions (in reverse order): Yes, just $9.78, and why ruin a perfectly good letter opener?
Amazon user review: “I bought these scissors for our unassisted birth this past August. They cut through my daughter cord very easily and were easy to clean/sterilize.” (AlohaMama)
Want to spice up the action in the bedroom for a memorable St. Valentine’s night? Dye your pubes blue, for Christ’s sake! Your man will go wild for this unexpected flourish, recently featured as No. 3,231 on Cosmo’s “4,877 Inane Sex Tricks That No Competent Member of Society Would Attempt.” Don’t worry, the dye only lasts four to five weeks (unless you walk through a metal detector or X-ray machine, in which case it’s permanent).
Amazon user review: “my boyfriend has a LOT of pubes, and this was enough for both of us!” (nora69)
Guys and their video games — am I right? Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, you might as well join ‘em: So show him that you care about his infuriatingly selfish and pointless hobby by getting him the indubitable Sega Saturn video game console system. Comes with two-player capability for couples looking for a steamy night of Daytona USA co-op action.
Amazon user review: “Looking back, I’d say the Sega Saturn really isn’t that bad a system. I used to play it with my friend and I’d say I had a *little* fun… The good Saturn games you CAN choose from are either really rare and expensive, or import games never released in America.” (B.E. Jackson)
Nothing tells your man “Stick this in you!” better than the grinning face of our beloved Commander-in-Chief on a stylized butt plug. Whether this gift was meant as an ode to our president or a derisive nose-thumbing is irrelevant — what does matter is that you sit on it, pronto. Great for couples still in those early, exciting stages of courtship; available in red, white, and blue.
Amazon user review: “It does have an odor to it and feels sticky.” (Renata K)
Gifts for Women
Tired of running to the store to pick up monthly hygienic products for that special woman in your life? Well, feast your eyes on this Coin-Operated Sanitary Napkin and Tampon Dispenser, the Tickle Me Elmo of this year’s Valentine’s Day season. Although intended for public bathrooms (hence the ability to charge 25 cents a ‘pon), there’s no reason this vaginal vending machine can’t be installed right in your own personal lavatory. Best yet, each tampon only costs a quarter! To be completely honest, I don’t even know what the hell these products do — I mean, aren’t all napkins sanitary??? — but I do know that, when paired with $3 worth of quarters, they’re sure to win the heart of your damsel in distress.
Amazon user reviews: “Wonderful product. It can store a year’s worth of tampons, the tampons are warm, and they slide in easily. And I’m more productive than ever at work!” (HumbleGenius)
“When I loaded this with sanitary napkins and tampons, they came out wet and filled with coffee. Three cases of toxic shock syndrome later, I’m ready to send this thing back.” (Mayor Bee)
Even an idiot knows that the way to a woman’s heart is through her mouth; from there, you pretty much just follow the tube thingy until you get to her ticker. You could be like every other guy on the planet and get her chocolate, but why settle for a gift that’s figuratively stale when you get a gift that’s literally stale? That’s right, circus marshmallow peanuts, those weird, chewy, orange, peanut-shaped candies that have been defying expectations and basic human rights laws for decades!
Amazon user review: “They’re bright orange marshmallows shaped like huge peanuts and flavored like bananas. The inventor must have been on some serious drugs to think this was a good idea.” (Lynn S. Hendricks)
Great for getting ladies “in the mood,” we used to call this delightful Bill Cosby family comedy the “panty dropper” in college. (Disclaimer: I did not attend college. This anecdote is based on a snippet of conversation I heard while hiding behind a large dumpster and eavesdropping on college students.)
Amazon user reviews: “The movie presented onscreen looks like something made up by chimpanzees that got a hold of a box of crayons.” (SHAWN JAMES “Amateur Film critic”)
“Why, for example, can he walk through walls but is able to pick up a scotch bottle ?” (D. Mataconis)
Two hundred live worms. The name says it all, folks. Call me crazy, but something tells me that this year, not every kiss begins with “k”…
Amazon user reviews: “There were five worms in this package and even those died in two days…” (Recent Buyer_
“I ordered 400 earthworms. I was very anxious to receive my worms. When I did get them it was not at all what I ordered. I ordered earthworms and I received red wigglers. I am so upset. I feel like someone just dropped an unwanted pet on my porch and now I have to tend to it.” (mzswanny)
This year, the record that every boyfriend is desperately running to the local music distribution facility to purchase is none other than Cannibal Corpse’s “Eaten Back to Life.” Admittedly, this is an inexplicable development, as the death metal classic was originally released in the fall of 1993. But, as we all know, nothing’s trendier or more romantic than the musical resurgence of a golden oldie or dusted-off classic, seemingly lost forever to the pulverizing grind of time. With hits like “Shredded Humans” and “Edible Autopsy,” you’ll be necking by the fire in no time. Move over, Boyz II Men!
Amazon user reviews: “Not one song that they sing talks about anything besides death,that is why they call it death metal.” (Super Pimp)
“…a ludicrous bedlam of tactless, senseless, depraved, vile, indiscernible, untalented racket…” (Hydonymous)
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The song’s lyrics are a love letter to the lower parts of the male form, culminating in its chorus’ snappiest one-liner: “What’s your zipper code?” The song is catchier than herpes.
“You could say a vagina is a necessary ingredient for gay sex.” Oh really?
Because I was born poor, I realized the world was unequal and unfair.
Everyone deserves the chance to make their dreams come true. The opportunity to shine is not the privilege or the province of the wealthy or the cosmopolitan; it is the birthright of the human person.