The Moment You Realize Your New Significant Other Is PSYCHO
The first few weeks of a brand new relationship are supposed to be picture perfect. Not because you idealize the person, even though we are all guilty of that, but more because you’re trying not to seem too crazy. I don’t just mean crazy like, hehe, cute little quirks someone has that make them endearing. I mean things that start to drive you insane and get you to question their stability and soundness and wonder if they are actually a robot. No farting no morning breath no taking a dump at their place no toe-grabbing no demanding where they are at all times no picking your butt no talk about how you’re the voice of your generation. All of that stuff is fine when you know each other better and are more familiar with one another. But those first few weeks are like a trial period where you keep the receipt and take that merchandise back if any defects show up.
In relationships there are all different kinds of crazy. First there’s crazy where like…they’re into some weird shit. When I was in college I dated this guy who had a serious spandex fetish. Like SERIOUS. People have fetishes, I get it, but I did NOT know about this one until a good four months in. Four months into a relationship, or whatever you want to call it, you should have a general sense of what people are like. I rolled over to his dorm one night (he had a single) and there he was: laying on his twin bed, serving head-to-toe scuba diving realness. Like with the little hat and everything. I can’t. I didn’t know what to do so I busted out laughing. I didn’t mean to make him feel bad – you’re into what you’re into – but Jesus. Sometimes people need a warning, you know? You can’t just invite someone over to have sex and suddenly you’re laying there in a bunny costume with your dick in your hand and not expect to get asked a few questions.
Then there’s the kind of crazy where like…you fear for your life because the person is actually mentally unsound. They are needy and possessive and everything is always your fault. If you tell them you can’t see them tonight they blow up and start throwing shit around the room and ask you for the keys back to their apartment before they puncture your tires and leave threats on your Facebook. My friend Jerome* just started dating this guy who is really awesome…on paper. He’s cute and in law school and he went to a top college and he’s smart and wears fabulous clothes and they have the exact same interests in absolutely everything. Perfect! But that’s the thing about crazy: you can never tell how ridiculous your new squeeze is going to be until it’s too late and your life is at risk.
Jerome invited his new boyf to spend the night at his place but the dude brought like a WHOLE suitcase and stayed for four days straight. All my friend’s boyfriend wanted to do was stay in and cuddle and watch TV and talk about their feelings. For four days straight. Sounds like a nightmare.
At 2 a.m., Jerome sends me an iMessage and he’s like:
Madison what have I gotten myself into??!? I’m finding that I’m getting really annoyed with Simon* already. We’re so perfect on paper but he is just TOOO much. He’s psycho! Like he’s taken over my life already after three weeks together.
So then I’m all:
Wait how so?
And then he goes:
He was here since Wednesday and finally left this morning for class. And before he leaves he’s asking if I can come over today because he’s free after 3. I’m finding myself getting annoyed with him like please leave already!!!
Then I’m like:
You must be AMAZING in bed! Nobody wants to part with that good D!!
I know Jerome really likes Simon, so I tell him to say he’s super awesome but just to kind of…dial it down a notch. But he’s worried that Simon is going to go ape shit. I guess if he can’t do that, then they should just break up. Nobody wants to date a crazy person, or at least a person whose craziness you can’t deal with.
You deserve better than a beautiful mirage who looks great on paper but who will drive you insane. Don’t date narcissists, don’t date people who are leading you on, and don’t date people who are too crazy to you. Everybody is a little bit crazy. But if a person is too crazy for you to handle, have the courage to end it. You have to let them go. Just…make sure you let all your friends know in case your body comes up missing.
*= The names have been changed so nobody gets cut.
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I always wanted to give a commencement speech.
My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.