The 15 Worst Things That Happen When You Catch The Flu
You’re having a typical week, everything is moving along just fine and then… AH-CHOO! It hits! You’ve got aches, you’ve got pains, you’ve got coughs, sneezes and other unwanted symptoms that leave you reeling and wondering #WTFlu?!?
1. The initial occurrence that makes you aware of the impending sickness. A series of sneezes, a flurry of coughs, the tingly grittiness in your throat – you have a symptom and you don’t have to be a psychic to know what the near future holds. You are that character in the zombie movie who just got bit and is repeatedly saying, “I feel fine,” even though you know good n’ well that your condition is inevitably changing.
2. Uh-oh, you’re full blown sick. Nobody wants to catch whatever it is you’ve got a case of. So you’ll do what anybody in your situation would do: Tell people you just have super intense allergies. That way, they’ll continue hanging out with you as you recover from illness.
3. When the sickness takes over and there’s no way of hiding your contagious condition, friends will treat you like a giant, walking germ, pulling out their disinfecting wipes to rubdown everything you come in contact with.
5. Having people ask why your eyes are swollen, red and watery. Were you crying? Are you tired? Is everything alright?
6. Only having one semi-clear nostril to breath through. This is especially frustrating when you’re exhausted and trying to sleep, but actually have to concentrate on trying not to die by doing pregnant woman-esque breathing exercises.
7. Having a sick voice that sounds like you screamed your lungs out at a concert last night. The silver lining here is that if you need to call in sick to work it’ll serve as evidence, legitimizing your absence.
8. Your taste buds and smelling abilities will take an impromptu leave of absence, making each and every meal you eat throughout the sickness bland and flavorless. When this happens, everyone around you will have amazing smorgasbords of food. It’s inevitable; just accept the universe’s crappy timing.
10. When you get cold, you’ll wrap yourself in a blanket. After a few minutes, you’ll feel extremely hot. You’ll remove said blanket and turn on a fan. Shortly thereafter you’ll be freezing cold. There is no middle ground – your bi-polar body temperature is an independent, self-governing jerk.
11. Weighing if your level of hunger is worth eating, and having food exit your body in very uncomfortable fashion.
13. The nightmarish scenario of having a booger in public becomes very real. The probability of this happening increases with sickness, forcing you to blow your nose and check the mirror constantly, with the anxiety of a self-absorbed teenager. Unfortunately this isn’t limited to nostril decorations. There are other accidents that could happen to anyone, anywhere. If Al Roker can poop his pants in the White House, none of us are safe.
15. Mentally preparing yourself to take shots of thick, syrupy, (allegedly fruit flavored) medicines. Last time you had cherries, they probably didn’t taste like hate, but this treatment certainly will. Have fun with it – pretend you’re on some type of gameshow and there’s money on the line for finishing these two tablespoons of awful.
To check out more hilarious #WTFlu moments and/or share your own, visit www.wtflu.com
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.