Times, they are a-changing, Cosmopolitan Magazine. The 101 Ways to Make Your Man Moan articles that grace your covers don’t really do much for me (or any man I’ve ever been with — insert finger here).

Ideally, you should feature less ways to talk to dude (pretty sure most girls have that down, and pretty sure the answer is not “check the sports scores and start talking about them”), and feature more useful shit.

Here are the articles I could write for you, Cosmo Mag, if you’d let me.

50 Shades of Gay: How to tell if the boy in your lit class is gay or just an art student

Have You Heard This Band?: A handy guide to talking to that cute hipster from the coffee shop who might actually be a girl, now that I’m looking at him… her?

Ear Gage Hole Sex: Is it worth the risk?

101 Sexy Ways to Deal with Accidentally Bleeding Naked All Over a Dude

101 Sexy Ways to Cry After Sex (He won’t be able to control himself from leaving you!)

101 Fun, Fearless Tips on How To Nap Sexy With Your Boyfriend and Play It Cool When You Wake Him Up Because You’re Snoring

50 Ways to Call Your Boyfriend Babe: A handy pullout guide!

The Cosmo Couples Quiz: “Whose v-neck is this?”

Get Your Own Beanie!: What happens when your boyfriend starts stealing your clothes?

How to Make It Seem Like You’re Showering At Your Boyfriend’s When You’re Really Pooping (They really don’t care as much as we think they do!)

How to Take the Perfect Couple Selfie for Facebook (It’s easier than you think!)

To Instagram or Not to Instagram: What to do with all those condom wrappers that pile up by your bed because you’re finally get laid again and you want to tell everyone, but like, in a humble way

50 Self-Portraits for Instagram: The best angles and locations for showing off how much you don’t care about being single again! (Hint: One of the locations is in the bathroom!)