I Am Ready To Die A Violent Death
You know how dogs arent really smiling, theyre just panting? and they dont really kiss you, they just lick your face because they like salt? a lot of things are like that. i am like that
people like dogs because they usually look happy. you can do this too. dogs arent always happy and neither are you
there are a lot of things i really really want so i am smiling. i am smiling like i dont want to die alone
we are smiling at each other like we dont want to die alone. this is probably the right thing to do
my zen so fresh dont never catch me not being real no no
our ideal western courtship begins:
see me inventing new yoga moves in the mcdonalds playplace. ask me out to dinner at a different mcdoandls
save the date for our Fast Food Wedding
preacher wears the drive thru headset
ring bearer rolls up to the second window and delivers the ring
bride and grooms families in the main dining area
kids in the ball pit
i want straight up bliss. want you to pour warm water down the back of my shirt while im at work and ill pretend to get mad and then we go home
push me off a cliff, and heres the twist: the inside of the canyon is full of the stuff dreams are made of. talking every nirvana cd down here
human beings will be back in the forests sooner than we think, ripping bark off of trees and crushing skulls on rocks. its a comforting thought. stick with me and ill show you everything i know about how to make cool jpgs on the computer and also true love. i will take care of you even though i dont believe in that sort of thing
the native americans used to use every part of the buffalo
including the pink slime
just wander out into a cornfield and eat some corn
this is america
this is gods country
here is an Interesting scenario: you are trapped on an elevator w/ the guy who did the voice of the cat from sabrina the teenage witch (nick bakay) and he wants to talk about race
just stay cool. we just stay cool together
and we are dancing
like we know people
want to take our money
and kill us
and we still think they are beautiful
Hot Tip: Everything in life can be quantified positively or negatively
Your friend says hello to you: +5 pts
Your mom thinks you are mad at her: -10 pts
You watch an episode of Frasier on netflix with your brother and identify with the main characters because they are also brothers: +10 pts
You dont have a very close relationship with your adult siblings: -15 pts
You know your dad doesnt like your music very much: -15 pts
He pretends that it is alright but just not for him: +5 pts
sometimes i feel like everything i’m doing and saying is a rude parody of the truth and my reward for this witty satire is being sad
when your computer dies, youre supposed to eat it
i am afraid of men but i am a smart boy so i intellectualize my fear in the form of Cool Shaming and Tight Blaming. if im being honest, i would like to be the Number One Dude. i admire strong guys. i like to watch them play sports. i relate to the idea of a Buff Bro. i like a dude so top heavy i can topple him with a good push. i like to push dudes into pools in the summertime
but i guess what i most want is to be in actual love with a woman who actually loves me back until we die painless, unexpected deaths simultaneously, but someone told me this was already done in a Bad Movie
regardless, i should probably try to be less of a Fucker and more of a Lover if this is what i really want out of life. its hard when youre designed to fuck. and kill. and tear raw flesh to shreds with your sharp pointy teeth
2/5 fucker 3/5 lover is the optimal formula for a Good Man, i think, but im addicted to being an idiot and its a problem
but i like you. i want to go to the mall w/ u just to walk around
and i love you now
i love you like a rabbit loves the fear
imagine if on warm summer nights in the suburbs, the neighborhood dads all hung out on the corners and rough housed and didnt want to go home
incidentally, i can trace the root cause of my disillusionment with the human condition to finding out that all hair is dead
quick role-playing exercise: a tall man wants to be nice to you. what do you do? (you are a beautiful female dog)
less incidentally, it is monday and i am wearing a teal t-shirt. i am hiding in a potted plant at the food court
what if you did something really sexy and the only one who saw was your dog. would you have to get married? probably not but its fun to think about
you can see a lot of Rare Vids of Young Dudes hanging out at home and doing funny voices if you search Just Chillin on youtube. go ahead and try this and maybe then you will learn how to love without needing to receive anything in return
tailgate at my funeral. just make a straight up mockery of my sweet & gentle legacy with grilled meats and vulgar cursing
i want to be a hard working man. i want to make bad decisions in a forest while my creature friends take notes
push me off the empire state building into your open arms. wrap me in swaddling cloth and drop me from a helicopter into the ocean. toss a jalapeno popper into my gaping body. need some spice in my life
a timeless boyfriend will love you forever. a thymeless boyfriend lacks spice and has poor thyming in bed. haha
imagine an orgy large enough to render all world governments obsolete. now make your dreams a reality. you have a facebook, probably. dont say it isnt possible
i cannot believe that people still watch television so i am going to pretend that they dont. this is how it starts, denying reality. this is how people go insane. if you just dive in maybe you can maybe just love it a lot
a quick confession: my dad invented the genre of radio commercial where a kid wins a spelling bee by spelling Quality with letters that make up the name of a business and im sad about it
but in spite of hardship, ive had my fair share of innocent thoughts in my life. heres one right now: being warm can be fun sometimes but other times not so much
ultimately the most important part of your life is being old because thats the last part. i believe this but im not sure if im looking forward to it or not
culture began and ended when the butch kid from home improvement had that bowl cut ponytail hairstyle for a while. it began when he got the haircut and ended when he cut it
imagine if you had grown up on tv. things would have been different for you
think fast hot shot. you are on tv and the camera man is a: bug, and, think even faster, so are: you. it is the year 2020 and the government (one world) has made Love illegal. now what do you do?
i can imagine in a certain sense it would be really exciting and interesting to be attacked by a shark in open water, but this is only because ive seen too much television
so now you maybe are starting to get a sense of how serious all of this actually is
would you wear a t-shirt that read I Am Watching TV And I Feel Like Shit?
how about I Stared Into The Void And All I Got Was This Lousy Ennui?
how about I Checked My Privilege, Now Im Dead?
how about The Meek Shall Inherit The Girth?
you are staring at me with your arms folded and i am starting to think you are no the kind of person who would even wear a t-shirt and now i dont even know who you are anymore
need enthusiastic college freshman who Cares to shame me for living in a house. via email or text. will pay you in the coolest kind of cigs. i dont deserve to be shamed, i just enjoy it. i am very well behaved. eat three bowls of oatmeal per day because i just like the texture. i am just getting by
i am a very technological boy. programmed my moms boyfriends mobile phone to send me Date Updates with regularity. theyre at rod lobster? ok
i am very mad about a television show and am spending hours trying to find the combination to my stepdads gun lock. 66642069 911666420▲ 69▲69▲▲ 69696▲▲▲
nothing is working
now i am an older boy and i am getting a half sleeve tat of my own mouth saying Do Patriotism, Not Irony because I think it is stupid and so am i
now i am an ever older man and i am getting to that age where my favorite thing to do is just spend time.
i dont want to spend all my time with you, but i need to. i need someone to be accountable to or i will spend all day on the internet telling other people their opinions are Wrong
i need you to french me into the fucking dirt. need you to actually care about me and i need you to know that i just get tired sometimes. need to think that you are a better person than i am and never say it. need you here with me, on our literal death mattress, lying perfectly still in the middle of every single consecutive and increasingly sober night
thats all i need, because i know no one ever really says what they really mean and i know that there exists a world beneath this one where all the things that get left unsaid become all the things you really want. its my moms basement, but i cant go back
its just u & me, girl. lets wilt into this sleep number and feed off the energy of commercials. lets get really into shows. lets get better at eating food. lets just go through it all together and never stop going through it
i love you like a rabbit loves the fear. said this before, but it bears repeating
i love you like a rabbit loves the fear~
i love you like a rabbit loves the fear~
i love you~
If a meteor can take the dinosaurs away it can bring them back
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3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.
The sad truth is that even if we were to invest all of our time and resources into making ourselves look like somebody else, most of us would not succeed in complying with the ridiculously unattainable beauty standard created by the media.
Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.