How To Improve Your Sexual Chemistry
I once seduced myself and climaxed without laying a hand on my body. It was my first night in a dorm room. I was seventeen. I’ve always been rather horny but surprising even me I drew on years of using my imagination for arousal. And it totally worked. Confronted with a space where I couldn’t make a sound, I had to think my way to climax. When I finally spilled seed, I savored that silent orgasm.
A friend of mine told me, right now, she’s having the best sex she’s ever had. And she hasn’t had sex with anyone else for months and months. She said, “me and me are quite happy together.” The art of self-seduction can provide amazing orgasms. You know what you like and all the ways you like it. You know when you’re in the mood. You know how far to push it. You can even surprise yourself.
However, seducing others, finding the rhythm in your shared sexual dance, learning to tease and please someone else, playing with the power and submission of seduction, that gets tricky. Other people are new continents of sexuality you must be ready to explore.
If you and your partner share great sexual chemistry you’re lucky. It’s not just because of how awesome it feels, but because it’s so damn rare to find. How many times have you met someone who looked gorgeous but the sex was as overwhelming as a documentary on ice fishing?
Great sex, the kind that’s so good you tell your friends about it, requires a certain chemical equation to give it an electric jolt. If you’re having sex you ought to make it good. Something you both might remember. Luckily, chemistry is something you can play with to find the right combinations to make things explode.
There’s a sexual theory called a “Love Map.” It’s a collegiate way of describing the continent of your sexuality and all the numerous ways you might find arousal. Most poor souls don’t fully explore all the rivers and streams, lakes and valleys of what makes them wet with delight. Why live a life deprived of such pleasure?
If you aren’t currently enjoying amazing sexual chemistry, there’s still hope. If you can seduce yourself… you can seduce others and be seduced. Like the song goes, “…with imagination you’ll get there.”
You’ve heard your mind is your largest erogenous zone. It is. However, what you may not know is, one of the most reliable roots of orgasms is inside your nose. Most folks think they need to look sexy. Doesn’t hurt. But it’s way more important to smell sexy.
The sense of smell is one of your oldest senses. It’s hardwired to your limbic system in the base of your brain, the section that controls memory and emotion. Your limbic system is connected directly to your pituitary and hypothalamus gland, the ones responsible for the release of hormones. Your nose is an avenue to your “primal,” animal responses. It may not look sexy but your nose drives your mind wild.
Finding irresistible sexual chemistry isn’t difficult. Try closing your eyes and using your nose to find a person who smells good and tempts the deepest parts of you. Flesh knows what it likes and what it wants. But your nose senses what you desire. Don’t let your lying eyes lead you astray. Any street corner magician can trick your eyes. In the dim light of a restaurant you don’t stand a chance of “seeing” if your partner is sexy. It totally sucks if a guy looks like a young Johnny Depp but in bed you discover he turns you on less than John Kerry.
Another indicator of chemistry is how a person moves. It’s why dancing is such an aphrodisiac. You probably know this. But I bet you don’t use this often enough. Get your next partner dancing before he starts undressing. If he moves well on the dance-floor he’ll probably move well on your bedroom floor. Of course, this isn’t a hard and fast rule. A lot of folks can’t dance but can do the bedroom tango with the best of them.
By far, the best tool to use for the art of seduction is the mind. I don’t mean tricking someone into bed like you’re some Jersey Shore pick-up artist or hopeful Hollywood starlet. Instead, tease her, tempt her, and bring her to a place where all she can think about is the moment when she’ll finally feel release. Get her imagining orgasms so strong she’ll momentarily forget her own name. The kind of orgasm that makes atheists scream, “Ohmygod!”
To apprehend what turns on others, it’s best to start with what turns you on and work out from there. Mix in your past experiences with others. Then focus on your partner until you know her as intimately as one can appreciate another. You don’t want to conquer her. You want to explore the “Love Map” of the continent of her sexuality. Be the Magellan of her sexual mystery. Be the Christopher Columbus of cunnilingus.
What do you like? You’ve heard it a million times. We all want what we can’t have. But we also desire what’s familiar yet surprisingly new. It’s a subtle and tricky little paradox. For instance, sex is familiar. But having sex outdoors can be exciting because it’s familiar yet feels new and different. Don’t try to find a way to “take someone home.” Make orgasm your destination. Then take a path you don’t normally travel. Try something familiar yet different, like eating her out with an ice cube in your mouth. Find the sweet-and-sour of sexual cuisine.
What do you desire? We all like what’s rare, beautiful and enticing. It’s why jewelry has timeless appeal. If you want to get other people to desire you, highlight your differences from the crowd, be slightly exotic and visually interesting. Accentuate your personal beauty rather than imitate fashion models, trends and popular modes of attractiveness. Find a combination of scents and aromas that work with your personal bouquet. Remember, if you smell sexy, you’re halfway to capturing her erotic imagination. But please don’t drown yourself in cologne. Smelling like a junior high dance sure isn’t sexy. And it’s not sexy to smell like some nose-deaf grandma.
What do you anticipate? We keep circling around the stem of excitement, your mind. It’s the key that unlocks sexual satisfaction. To really seduce someone, work with all the levels of their psyche. Charm him in conversation. Make him laugh. Tease him with entendre. Whisper hints that build invisible stairways of anticipation. Exude confidence so she knows she’s in good hands. Imagine all the ways you want to bring her to the edge of climax before you jump together off the cliff and fall to your “petit mort,” that “little death” of orgasm, the French so aptly named. Like it or not, the French know sexy. And they’re great with chemistry.
What feels good to you? The melody of her voice, the grumble of his baritone, savor them like music and your appreciation will be irresistible. We’re all like bottles of wine, aging, delicate, easily broken but we like to be popped open and appreciated. Your tiny smiles and open eyes are very enchanting. Focus on your partner and he will sense your appreciation. Touch her with glancing fingers. Don’t grab with pawing hands. Caress body parts usually left excluded like ankles, elbows and ear lobes. Breathe in the aroma of her hair, the scent of his neck. Everyone likes to feel sexy and with little gestures and exhalations that sound like “Mmmm” you can let your partner know she’s sexy. But don’t moan at her like it’s an obscene phone call.
What do you want to know? All the teasing and pleasing, the smelling good and looking good, the caresses and kisses, won’t mean a damn thing if you aren’t curious and don’t clearly communicate. You don’t even have to speak the same language. I once had sex with a woman who spoke little English and I spoke even less Japanese, but our eyes and hands did all the talking we required. Language is about listening and responding, speaking and confirming you were understood. But communication can be wordless. The best seduction starts slowly. Never forcing anything. As your rhythm builds in frenzy, slyly confirm she’s enjoying what you’re enjoying. Chemistry requires a little addition and subtraction… so check your math.
A misunderstood aspect of seduction is the game of control and submission. If you’ve ever been whipped or tied to a bed you know what I mean. If you choose the more extreme ends of seduction it’s even more important you communicate. Listen not just for “safe words,” but also for changes in breathing. If you’re the one using power and control, remember you want to bring her to release not torture her for trusting you. If you’re the one in submission, be sure you feel confident his goal is your pleasure not just your submission. There’s nothing sexy about being beaten-up.
Sexual chemistry is difficult because we don’t often find someone who likes exactly what we like, who can intuitively figure out our body, or knows much about their body, and all the ways a little pain and lots of pleasure mix. Great lovers, like great chefs, know that surprising combinations are unforgettable. Control and submission don’t have to be lame clichés like the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon.
We mistakenly leave teasing and play behind in the sandbox of childhood. We think what looks sexy will be sexy. We forget our hands and nose know what’s sexy far better than our eyes. If you can seduce yourself, you can seduce others. As Socrates urged, “Know thyself.” Your curiosity will reward you with orgasms.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.