Here’s Some New Oscar Categories They Should Add This Year
Best Melodramatic Oscar-Bait Crying
And the award goes to…Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables!
Best Egregiously Depressing Foreign Film About Old People Slowly Dying
And the award goes to…Amour, directed by Michael Haneke!
Best Dramatic Career Rejuvenation of a Moderately Talented (At Best) Former Leading Man Somehow, Almost Magically, Like A Trick, Into George Clooney-Wave Actor/Director/Producer Triple-Threat
And the award goes to…Ben Affleck! What the hell, man, seriously thought your career was over and now you’re aging gracefully as hell into a second chapter. Feel like you signed a deal with Satan, bro.
Best Creator of Good Will Through Choice Interview Quotes That Make You Sound Like A Modest, Funny, Thoroughly Likable Person (In Addition to Being a Good Actress and Very Physically Attractive)
The award goes to Jennifer Lawrence!
Best Adaptation of Cornball Literary Novel Into Visually Spectacular Movie I Can’t Imagine Ever Going To See Despite Liking Many of His Other Films
And the award goes to…Ang Lee, for Life of Pi!
Best Director Who Used to Make Idiosyncratic, Clever, Funny, Personal Films and Who Now Makes Enjoyable-Enough Movies with Significantly Less Style and Personality That Seem Like They Could Be Directed By Anyone
And the award goes to…David O. Russell! And I know I’m being harsh. I liked Silver Linings Playbook. But it’s no I <3 Huckabees nor is it Flirting With Disaster or Three Kings.
Best Cliche-Ridden, Self-Serious, TV-Drama-Quality Film About Capital-I Important Historical Event that is Technically Impressive and “Well-Done” If you Like Grave Thrillers with no Personality or Sense of Humor or Unique Style But If You Want More Than Just Knuckle-Biter Thriller Will Leave You Cold
And the winner is…Zero Dark Thirty, or pretty much any of Kathryn Bigelow’s movies.
Best Ill-Advised Approach to Doing Voice of Historical Figure
Daniel Day-Lewis! For Lincoln.
Best Quentin Tarantino Movie Released This Year
And the award goes to…Django Unchained!
Best James Franco
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i inhaled deeply. your scent, your deodorant, your cologne, even your morning breath. i know these scents so well and the familiarity is comforting.
This video of a puppy watching a scene we’re so familiar with and evoking the same sentiments we once felt is oddly heartwarming, extremely precious and a dash of funny.
You died, and the hope that you would one day love us back the way we loved you died with you.
Weight Watchers likes to say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Which I guess means they’ve never tasted Cinnamon Toast Crunch.