Finally: A Male Babysitter Who Won't Have Sex With Your Kids
Let’s face it: a good babysitter is hard to find. And though many families with young children may want a positive male influence, reliable male babysitters are even more of a rarity. Nannying websites provide a limited view of potential candidates and leave parents with a slew of questions: Is he dependable? Is he punctual? Perhaps most importantly of all, will he have sex with my kids?
That’s where I come in. I am a highly qualified male babysitter with extensive experience in the field of childcare. I have superb references that reflect my years working as a tutor, camp counselor, and chaperone, all while maintaining an impressive track record of never having sex with kids.
Is your son a picky eater? Don’t worry! I can coax even the fussiest diner into eating his broccoli without ever having sex with him! Does your daughter have trouble sleeping? No problem! I can send the most insomniac infant to dreamland using methods that involve no sexual activity whatsoever!
My areas of expertise include sex-free storytelling, sex-free baking, sex-free sports, sex-free skits, and a variety of sex-free crafts. Between playing with your kids, teaching your kids and tidying up after your kids, I wouldn’t have the time or energy to have sex with your kids, even if I wanted to — which, again, I don’t! I am also First Aid and Hands Only CPR certified.
With a guy like me as your babysitter, you can rest easy. Enjoy a well-deserved night on the town, secure in the knowledge that your kids are in good hands (only ever metaphorically, of course). Your kids won’t have a single negative word to say about me, not now or years later at a therapist’s.
So, if you’re looking for a male babysitter whose career is synonymous with not having sex with your kids, look for me.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.