23 Additional Executive Actions President Obama Should Have Issued Yesterday

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1. Actually read my 23 executive actions and legislative proposals on gun control before deciding to hate them.

2. Re-read the Second Amendment. Nowhere in there does it say, “Be a big stupid jerkface.”

3. Stop referring to me as King or Dictator, especially since I hear YOU want police presence on every corner.

4. On a related note, please stop calling me Stalin or Hitler. Also, go back to school and relearn History.

5. Stop creating online petitions for your state to secede from the Union. Seriously, how would Oklahoma ever secede? It’s, like, right smack in the middle of everything.

6. Stop mindlessly reiterating the phrase “Guns Don’t Kill People, People Kill People” while calling the rest of the American public “Sheeple.”

7. When writing on the internet, please follow the rules of Standard Written English, specifically those pertaining to spelling (e.g. revolution vs. refolushunrrggh), capitalization (e.g. United States vs. ‘MURICA), comma usage, and word definitions. (Socialism doesn’t mean what you think it means.)

8. Understand that these people in Congress are a big pain in the butt. However you feel about gun control, just please try to understand that.

9. If you’re such an expert on the Constitution, then why don’t you show me your Law degree? Oh, wait. What’s that? You don’t have one? Yeah. That’s what I thought.

10. Stop listening to the NRA. Just stop. Just… just stop.

11. Do not — I repeat, DO NOT share any gun-related memes around the internet without fact-checking them first. Oh, by the way: a fact is an actual event that happened or a thing that exists, and not just what somebody else tells you is true.

12. Whoa, whoa. Don’t be so paranoid, man. Chill out.

13. Eliminate the Timeline on Facebook and just go back to the old format already. (Sorry. That has nothing to do with gun control, but I just wanted to throw it in there.)

14. Refuse to dignify any Sandy Hook Truther claims with a response.

15. When every event seems to be a conspiracy — EXCEPT those actions you perform based on those beliefs you follow — consider seeking mental help for yourself instead of calling others mentally ill. Just sayin’.

16. Take a look in the mirror. You are not Bruce Willis. You are not Jean-Claude Van Damme. You are not Sylvester Stallone. Even those people aren’t those action-packed characters in real life. Why? Because they’re actors. And they’re not even the good ones!

17. Do something with your life. I instated 23 executive actions today. What’d you do — eat a Hot Pocket?

18. Stop simplifying every decision into black-and-white terms. Stop saying, “If you don’t agree with me, then you must be a Bad Guy.” Using that philosophy, if you say that bologna sandwiches are the best sandwiches in the world, and I say that corned beef sandwiches are better, then that doesn’t give you the right to punch me in the face. Also, if you only follow this simplified line of thinking, then you might miss out on considering all of the other wonderful sandwiches out there, like peppered chicken or Spam and pickles.

19. Can you give me five minutes? I really have to pee. Just five. No? Three?

20. Put me in the series finale of Breaking Bad. (Sorry. That has nothing to do with gun control, either. I just think it’d be pretty awesome.)

21. Finally admit that classifying me as Un-American and acting on those instincts of fear and ignorance is actually just thinly-veiled racism.

22. STOP COMPLAINING. Sheesh! Are you people never satisfied?

23. Listen. Just stop talking for one minute, listen, and then think about what you just said. 

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