2013: The Year I Officially Swear Off Unavailable Men

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It’s official: I am leaving unavailable men in the past.

True, I have made this resolution for the past six or so years (and multiple times within those years, if we’re being honest), but this time, I mean it. I am done with emotionally closed off men, noncommittal men, “straight” men, lying-about-their-marital-statuses men, and every other variation of unavailable man that exists in today’s cruel world of non-relationships and almost-boyfriends.

Here are four succinct reasons why I’ve had enough:

1. I’m trying to do this thing where I love myself more, and unavailable men are like self-esteem vacuums. Sure, it’s all one big dream come true in the beginning when the hot, seemingly unattainable guy finally makes a move. But then feelings get involved, I start naming our internationally adopted babies, and suddenly the hot, seemingly unattainable guy goes back to being actually unattainable — except in a much, much crueler way than he ever was in the first place — and I of course conclude that it’s because I’m not good enough for him (when really it’s because he has no soul and wishes to die alone).

2. I’m sick of being able to relate to Taylor Swift. I’m a twenty-something gay man who likes football and has a master’s degree. The lyric, “Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind,” should not have the ability to move me to tears — and yet somehow, it does. Every time.

3. Facebook is slowly turning into a book called You’re Engaged and I’m Fat!, and I don’t appreciate it. It’s not that I begrudge my friends their rights to happily coupled bliss — but when all I ever get to deal with are men who pretend that me wanting to someday get married is a mental illness of sorts, I kind of do. It should be noted that I typically “like” all engagement announcements that pass through my newsfeed, but that’s only because I’m trying to perpetuate the idea that someone who has liked an engagement announcement certainly didn’t just eat an entire cheesecake while watching He’s Just Not That Into You as a direct result of viewing the engagement announcement in question.

4. Unavailable men actually are available, just for someone else. And that is, by far, the worst thing about them.

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