19 Things That Will Always Make You Feel Fat
1. Eating something really messy in bed which gets crumbs and/or mysterious liquid all over you. This goes double if you’re perched on some pillows watching TV on your laptop while eating.
2. Seeing people run by in fantastic-looking running clothes and jogging in place at the stoplight while you’re standing there just idly waiting to go.
3. Running into an old friend you haven’t seen in a while who has gotten in really amazing shape and looks effortlessly fit. (Don’t even start if it’s an ex who has gotten into such good shape.)
4. Personal pizzas.
5. Getting a full-size bag or box of a snack food and telling yourself while waiting in line that you’re only going to eat a little bit of it, even though we all know that you’re going to go home and plow through it in one go.
6. The thirty minutes right after you eat McDonald’s.
7. Putting on a pair of jeans when they’re fresh out of the dryer and thus about a size and a half smaller than they are supposed to be.
8. Realizing that the clothes you bought a while ago with the intention to slim down so as to fit into them are still as unwearable ever. (And then proceeding to stick them even further into the recesses of your closet.)
9. Watching everyone around you order a dainty salad when all you want is an enormous, greasy burger.
10. Realizing that you can’t remember the last time you had a real, challenging workout that left you sore and confident afterwards.
11. That feeling of overwhelming dread when you know that everyone wants to go swimming and you have not worn a bathing suit for an extended period of time.
12. The moment at the end of the day where you catch yourself in the mirror and realize your tummy has sloped significantly outwards since the time you woke up.
13. Overhearing incredibly thin girls talk about how fat they feel, even though you are clearly twice their size and within earshot.
14. Feeling your belt being strained by the pressure of your stomach after a particularly large meal.
15. Eating something sloppy and absurd (such as a burrito or a slice of pizza) as you walk down the street in broad daylight.
16. Being stopped mid-walk by the smell of potential barbecue wafting from several blocks away.
17. Being caught staring at food porn blogs while you are supposed to be working, and finding it slightly harder to explain than regular porn blogs.
18. Finishing a pint of Ben and Jerry’s before you even realized you had eaten half of it.
19. Hearing someone tell you that you lost weight, even though you hadn’t realized you had any weight to lose or had even been working out/paying attention to what you eat. Immediately wondering what you must have looked like before.
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Look, fast food is totally delicious and all…but it will eventually kill you. So, if you’re looking for a really unique way to commit suicide, I suggest popcorn-shrimping yourself to death.
As I’ve often said, “Insight is not enough.” We’ve all had breakthroughs in our thinking, but they only make our lives change if they make our behavior change.
In a “real world” non-cartoon context, Beavis would likely have been prescribed a stimulant (Adderall, Ritalin) for his ADHD, maybe coupled with a mood stabilizer (Xanax, Lithium) and even an anti-psychotic (Seroquel).
I don’t know how this movie passed through the censorship boards, but I’m glad it did. It’s perfect. Just don’t drink Starbucks afterward.