11 People Who Should Be Banished From Nightclubs
1. People Who Take Their Shirts Off.
I know that for some people the nightclub is about hooking up and meeting new people, and that’s awesome. Maybe these folks think that showing their bodies off will get people all hot and bothered. But also? It’s just not classy! Sometimes if you’re at some big gay circuit party or in Miami perhaps it can get really hot in there and you just want to take your shirt off. So I guess it’s OK if you are one of dozens with your shirt off, but can we please not be the one Fabio with his shirt off?
2. Anyone Who Has Ever Said “Do You Know Who I Am?” To Get In.
Sometimes the hardest part about going out is getting in — especially if you’re trying to hit up the hottest night spots in town. We have all been waiting on the line when somebody gets rejected from the club is made to wait and they think that by saying “Do you know who I am!” will get them in. But guess what? If you have to ask if people know who you are, they probably don’t, in which case you just made an A of yourself kind of!
3. Flip Flop Wearers.
I don’t really get flip-flops as a thing in general, and I especially don’t understand why anybody would wear them on a dance floor. It doesn’t make any sense. And then they get mad if you accidentally step on their feet. REALLY?
4. People Who Shove Their Way Through The Crowds.
I know it’s too much work to say “excuse me” every time you have to pass somebody or maybe it’s too loud to be heard anyway. So a little tap on the shoulder or on the side is significant enough to let a person know you’re trying to get through. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUSH PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR WAY. That includes you too, train-of-people-holding-hands-to-get-through-the-crowd.
5. People Who Take Their Shoes Off.
Did you know that the dance floor is full of sweat, spilled drinks, bottles, straws, limes, broken glass, and god knows what else? It’s basically a war zone down there, and you’re telling me you’re willing to walk around in that stuff? Good luck with that athlete’s foot!
6. People Who Take Dry Humping WAY Too Far.
There’s nothing wrong with a little dance floor dry-humping. You want to show a potential mate that you have some motion in the ocean, and it can be a fun game of foreplay before you go back to your hotel room or apartment and really get it in. But just…there’s a delicate balance between dry humping and basically having sex with your clothes all the way on for everybody to see. That’s what the bathroom stalls are for! JK, JK.
7. People With RIDICULOUS B.O.
8. People Who Are Wearing Something They Probably Should’t Be.
You know who you are.
9. People Who Are Way Too Tan.
It’s the middle of January.
10. People Who Easily Spill Their Drinks.
The dance floor is meant to be an intimate space — close enough that all these strangers are forced to dance together in the same tight quarters. So of course if you have your drink and try to walk through the crowd with it, something is going to get spilled eventually. The trick is to hold it up high so you don’t spill. It seems like people are more forgiving of an accidental spill than they are of a spill by a person who a drunk, hot mess.
11. People Who Get Annoyed Because Somebody Spilled A Drink On Them.
Usually these people wore their good clothes tonight, so they are mad as hell and ready to fight because you just spilled an Appletini on their suede Giuseppe’s. But A) they’re in a nightclub and B) they shouldn’t have worn their Giuseppe’s, anyway. People, if you chose to wear your fabulous clothes to the club, accept the risk that your shit might get jacked up!
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3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.
The sad truth is that even if we were to invest all of our time and resources into making ourselves look like somebody else, most of us would not succeed in complying with the ridiculously unattainable beauty standard created by the media.
Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.