You’re Sending Out Fancy Invitations, I’m Pinning Things To An Imaginary Board
You’re registering at Williams-Sonoma, I’m loitering at Anthropologie.
You’re excited to settle down with your husband-to-be, I can barely commit to a Facebook profile picture.
You’re polishing your new ring, I’m counting that last rain storm as a car wash.
You two just saw Dudamel at the Bowl, I just YouTubed Bieber’s newest video featuring Big Sean.
You’re sending out fancy invitations, I’m pinning things to an imaginary board.
You’re hanging with the soon-to-be in-laws, I’m making small talk with a homeless man in Westwood.
You just hired a landscaper, I just went to Yogurtland.
You’re picking out your white dress, I’m wearing a shirt from 10th grade (hey now, it still kinda fits).
You’re grocery shopping for two, I’m eating trail mix for dinner.
You’re writing thank you notes on monogrammed stationery, I’m instagramming my latte.
You’re making seasonal soups with your new immersion blender, I just microwaved my dinner in record time.
You’re thinking about getting a puppy, I managed to murder my succulent.
You guys just bought a Biscayne Ottoman at Restoration Hardware, I just found two quarters and a dime in my craigslist couch.
You’re planning your honeymoon, I’m considering my night out in Silver Lake a staycation.
You’re in bed by nine, I’m watching old episodes of Felicity on my MacBook until two a.m.
You’re choosing fabric for your wedding day bunting, I just had to Google what that even is.
You two are going cake tasting, I just choked on a tofu sample in the middle of the Whole Foods salad bar (a stranger heimliched me, don’t worry about it).
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Satanic compulsions, you say? If that’s what you call loving someone, what do you call killing?
Now that a few months have gone by I’ve had time to think about our friendship. Was it a good one?
I Should Be Able To Get Drunk At A Fraternity Party And Go Upstairs To A Guy’s Room Without Anything Happening
I mean, wake up to reality. This is male sex.
3. Make inaccurate assumptions. Have you ever seen the erroneous suggestions made by Netflix’s ‘Because You Watched’ feature?