You’re Not Allowed To Love Me Anymore

Jan. 19, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

Ryan O’Connell is a 25 year-old writer based in the East Village, New York.

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Did you hear that? Visiting hours are over. Your membership to my mind and body has been revoked. Now go home with your tail between your legs because you don’t get to love me anymore. In fact, you lost that right some time ago. I used to be open 24/7 like some trashy diner or a pharmacy, but that was before everything bad that ever happened and now I’m just closed up for good. Just another thing that’s boarded you up along some disgusting highway. Your name is scrawled over it like graffiti.

Remember when I let you touch me? Remember when you owned stock in my dick? At a certain point, it felt like my body was more yours than it was even mine. You could do anything you wanted to me. Isn’t that an amazing feeling? Knowing that someone trusts you so completely you have free rein over them? When you have this power, you’re not supposed to abuse it. You’re supposed to always have their best interests at heart and protect your investment. You shouldn’t trade your stock! Hold on it, watch it grow in value.

Right. Why doesn’t it ever work out this way? Why do the people who are supposed to protect you often end up leaving you for dead? The Great Depression. The stock market’s terrible right now because of you. People are losing their homes because of your wandering eye.

There was a time when I accepted everything you said as truth. No questions asked. Why would I? Had you ever given me reason to doubt you? Your presence was always met with vulnerability and openness. I had no control over it. Whenever you would appear, I’d just open up for you. (Wait, ew.) Do you even know how special that is? Why would you ever screw up such a good gig?

You used to have all of me and now you have nothing. Not a damn thing. Not even a pinky toe. You could touch my neck/ my butt/ my ear/ my bellybutton whenever you wanted. You could’ve cried to me in bed and I would’ve been like, “OMG BEB! What’s wrong? Tell me more!” You could’ve gotten me to move somewhere like Montana with six roommates and I would’ve been like, “Um, okay…” Isn’t that so crazy? Everything to nothing in a single moment. All-acesss pass to blacklisted. From unguarded intimacy to being a stranger.

The worst part is that you’re surprised. “I don’t even get a pinky toe? After all we’ve been through together?” Um, no. And the fact that you’re surprised, the fact that you think everything somehow could be okay, makes me more unrelenting in my stance against you, against us. The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste. TC mark

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image – Steve Snodgrass

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  • http://www.thebangpop.com/ @nataliekbeats

    love this line : Everything to nothing in a single moment. 

  • Inaas

    what did this person do to you to make you so closed off to them? I need to know. So I can evaluate my situation.

  • Natasha

    God, I feel like we live parallel lives when I read your work. It’s so insane how the other person always thinks they should be allowed that ‘all-access’ pass because they were once the sun in the universe of your life, even after causing you worlds of pain. 

  • http://twitter.com/70zChild C. S. Baker

    The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste. – OUCH! Sorry for your heartbreak!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1214400169 Kristin Nieman

    Absolutelyyyy.

  • http://www.lifelikelola.blogspot.com/ Karli

    I love everything on this site. How wonderful your writing is. 

  • MD

    “The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste”.

    I know exactly how you feel and I feel that I get a little stronger every day when I reject him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessica.hindman1 Jessica Ann

    “Everything to nothing in a single moment. All-acesss pass to blacklisted. From unguarded intimacy to being a stranger.”

    Oh….how true. Yes, it IS crazy. Literally discussing buying a house one week and the next….we’re not even living together. Life is tragic.

  • http://www.facebook.com/honestjohnny Johnny Nelson

    Wow…. I couldn’t relate more….

    You got pushed to the point where you just say, “Oh… I’m sorry… I don’t have time for BS and lies. Oh you ‘miss me’? Nah, you don’t miss me. You’ve ‘missed out’ on me. Good luck on your next ‘adventure’. Have a day!”

    The line “Um, no. And the fact that you’re surprised, the fact that you think everything somehow could be okay…” just goes to show it’s all about convenience for them.
    Sorry, I’m not a 7Eleven. Not here for you just because you want something now, only to be pushed aside, again, because the  ‘Race Trac’ down the street serves a different flavor coffee. lol Doesn’t work that way. Adios and ‘bon voyage’!

  • Mimi

    Boo yah!

  • future gopher

    The only articles I like are Ryan’s to be honest…the other ones are just meh

  • Cibriand

    The best O’Connell piece I’ve read so far.  You are gonna go FAR, Mr O’Connell.

  • LAwLZ

    #realtalk fuck everyone

  • http://twitter.com/RonanConway Christopher Conway

    I relate heavy to this, this is some good bile. 

  • Doloreshaze

    Sometimes it just only takes breaking up with the other person. Sure as hell was enough for me.

  • beatrice

    lolz

  • http://twitter.com/leureena Lorena

    The way you write makes me fall in love and out and giggle and cry and I guess what I want to say is I really, really like the way you can write down the simplest and truest of feelings. 

  • Kate

    Boom.

  • Taylor

    The only power you’ve left with me is the power to reject you. And I’m sure as hell not going to let that one go to waste.- BOOM. I love you Mr. O’Connell

  • Patricia Capiral

    I wish i had even half the strength you have Ryan

  • Vron

    Certainly can’t answer for Ryan, but I have someone to whom I could truthfully say almost all of this right now, and what that person did boiled down to not loving me back and wanting other people more. Going from total intimacy to total stranger was a slow process, though, but every step toward stranger was because the connections remaining reminded me of the connections lost, and that hurt me far too much.

  • Emma

    I love this. You are amazing. I just went through this exactly, except I don’t have half the willpower you do.

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