Your Love Life Vs. The Love Lives Of Celebrities
People had sex in 2012. People fell in love in 2012. The only way I know this is because I read Us Weekly.
For example, even though they’ve supposedly split up now, Justin Bieber once rented out the Staples Center so he could take Selena Gomez on a date there. (Okay, this happened in 2011 but it’s so good I couldn’t neglect it. I MEAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Geez, to be young, in love, and have more money than God.) Unfortunately, the best date I went on this year was with someone who, unbeknownst to me, already had a boyfriend. Even worse, I was the one who paid.
Taylor Swift flew her now ex-boyfriend Conor Kennedy all around the world so she could just, like, look at him while writing a new song. I hooked up with people in Canada, Connecticut, and California. However, I traveled solo on all of the trips and can’t imagine going anywhere with those dudes, besides a warm bed and maybe a TGI-Fridays.
Miley Cyrus got engaged at 19, which is insane for obvious reasons. I was barely a virgin at that age. I was living in a dorm room and spending all my time thinking about my ex boyfriend who, at that point, had already moved on with a crystal meth addict. Stars: they’re just like us, right?
Mary-Kate Olsen fell head over heels in love with some old rich French dude. Here are the creepy pictures to prove it. When I was 23, I hooked up with a 32-year-old who grew up in an orphanage and claimed to suffer from ambiguous “dark” thoughts. Unlike Mary-Kate’s beau, his brother was not the President of France.
Joe Simpson allegedly became gay this year and started shacking up with some barely legal West Hollywood boy, which I find to be so, so, so insulting. Joe Simpson comes out of the closet and gets a boyfriend on the immediate and somehow I’M STILL SINGLE?
Rihanna is still sleeping with the man who almost beat her to death, which I can’t relate to at all. I do, however, still think about the boy who faked having Lyme disease in order to avoid hooking up with me.
Kanye West spent thousands of dollars on a new wardrobe for Kim Kardashian. One of my exes still won’t give me a shirt back.
Jennifer Lopez dated a gay guy this year which means that she dated one more homosexual than me.
Christina Aguilera gained weight and dated a PA on her film, Burlesque. I gained weight and dated a…no one.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.