Your Love Life Vs. The Love Lives Of Celebrities

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People had sex in 2012. People fell in love in 2012. The only way I know this is because I read Us Weekly.

For example, even though they’ve supposedly split up now, Justin Bieber once rented out the Staples Center so he could take Selena Gomez on a date there. (Okay, this happened in 2011 but it’s so good I couldn’t neglect it. I MEAN, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Geez, to be young, in love, and have more money than God.) Unfortunately, the best date I went on this year was with someone who, unbeknownst to me, already had a boyfriend. Even worse, I was the one who paid.

Taylor Swift flew her now ex-boyfriend Conor Kennedy all around the world so she could just, like, look at him while writing a new song. I hooked up with people in Canada, Connecticut, and California. However, I traveled solo on all of the trips and can’t imagine going anywhere with those dudes, besides a warm bed and maybe a TGI-Fridays.

Miley Cyrus got engaged at 19, which is insane for obvious reasons.  I was barely a virgin at that age. I was living in a dorm room and spending all my time thinking about my ex boyfriend who, at that point, had already moved on with a crystal meth addict. Stars: they’re just like us, right?

Mary-Kate Olsen fell head over heels in love with some old rich French dude. Here are the creepy pictures to prove it. When I was 23, I hooked up with a 32-year-old who grew up in an orphanage and claimed to suffer from ambiguous “dark” thoughts. Unlike Mary-Kate’s beau, his brother was not the President of France.

Joe Simpson allegedly became gay this year and started shacking up with some barely legal West Hollywood boy, which I find to be so, so, so insulting. Joe Simpson comes out of the closet and gets a boyfriend on the immediate and somehow I’M STILL SINGLE?

Rihanna is still sleeping with the man who almost beat her to death, which I can’t relate to at all. I do, however, still think about the boy who faked having Lyme disease in order to avoid hooking up with me.

Kanye West spent thousands of dollars on a new wardrobe for Kim Kardashian.  One of my exes still won’t give me a shirt back.

Jennifer Lopez dated a gay guy this year which means that she dated one more homosexual than me.

Christina Aguilera gained weight and dated a PA on her film, Burlesque. I gained weight and dated a…no one.

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