Will You Marry Me?
It’s not a get-down-on-one-knee-in-public proposition, but I think it still counts as a public proposition, no? Out there for all the world to see, open to well wishes and ridicule and all?
Regardless of unconventional format, though, I’m genuinely asking: will you?
Just so you know, I’m not asking because I’ve got this dream wedding fantasy with swans and confetti in mind (though why not, we might as well go all out). I’ve actually always been terrified of getting married because I’ve seen so many people I love go through painful divorces and also the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do was be attached to someone, but you’re different. You’ve always been different. I think we could make this work.
Everything feels like something with you, does that make sense?
I don’t feel like I’m pretending. I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time. I can sit in a café with you all day and watch the world happen and never feel bored because your conversation is enough.
I want that conversation forever.
I don’t know if we’ll ever have kids or a house but we’ll have adventures. We might never buy Tupperware but there’s no one else I’d rather go tubing with. We’ll go to rock shows and street festivals and try fried scorpion and opium milkshakes, go out in the world and do everything or just sit at home and do nothing, our hands in each other’s hair, and both will be blissful. Brushing our teeth together will be blissful.
It won’t always be easy but we’ll always be laughing. Or crying sometimes, I don’t know, but either way we’ll always be feeling, and that’s huge because plenty of married couples eventually get to the point where they forget to feel. And I know we’re not perfect and things get weird but we take care of each other and we’re each other’s home and really, what else is there? What other kind of magical love?
I don’t believe in “the one” or fate or destiny but you are The One for me because I choose you every single day.
I want to share my life with you because I trust you and you fascinate me. You love me more than anyone ever has and sometimes it’s overwhelming but I feel so lucky. When we make love I don’t stare down at myself from the ceiling making notes, I’m in it with you 100% and it’s not like the movies. I don’t know what else to say.
I guess that’s it.
So, what do you think? Will you?
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.