Wife Material, Vol. 6: Amy Poehler
It’s been a banner year for Amy Poehler. She’s had some high highs and some low lows. Her show, Parks and Recreation is beloved and stupendous week after week. She’s co-hosting the Golden Globes in January with her BFF Tina Fey. She said some really fantastic and wonderful things that very much needed mainstream media attention re: body image, the importance of women being smart and independent, advice for women in comedy, etc. But in a devastating move no one saw coming, she split from husband Will Arnett. It was a super bummer that almost killed all diehard comedy nerds. I mean, is true love even real? :( But hey, let’s make lemonade out of lemons here: Amy Poehler is single! She’s on the market! And she’s a perfect wifey for lifey.
Name: Amy Poehler
Occupation: Comedy legend, actress, Leslie Knope, Tina Fey BFF and Weekend Update counter-part post-Fallon, smart girl at the party, awesome feminist, cool mom (not like those other moms).
Description: Amy Poehler is flawless. One time John Stamos sat next to her on a plane and told her she was pretty. (JK, JK) She’s one of the co-founders of the legendary Upright Citizen’s Brigade theater, a hilarious comedian and actress, an ex-SNL Weekend Update anchor that makes me wish WU was still done in pairs, founder of a website that lets young girls know how important it is to be themselves no matter what, and all-around the greatest human being on Earth right now.
Not only is Amy funny, but she’s smart and progressive and outspoken. She loves helping other women and girls to feel good about themselves, have confidence and be successful and smart too. She’s known in the comedy community for elevating other women, instead of tearing them down (see: her friendship with Rashida Jones and the Leslie/Ann BFF-ship.) In Yael Kohen’s 2012 book, We Killed: The Rise of Women In Comedy, there’s an interview with Upright Citizens Brigade co-founder Matt Besser, who speaks admiringly of Poehler because while she’s eager to encourage other women in comedy in an act of loyal sisterhood, he says, ultimately she just “[does] her best and [doesn’t] give a shit.” She never lets being a girl stop her from doing anything. Her fellow comedians all say Amy is fearless. For example, rapping while heavily pregnant? Oh, hell yes.
Benefits to Marriage: SHE’S AMY POEHLER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Sorry, sorry. I got carried away. Amy is fantastic. She’s beautiful and fun and just seems like she’d be an amazing partner.
The benefits to marrying her are plentiful. I can’t really imagine anything more fun than being married to Amy. Like a nightclub Stefan might recommend, she’s got everything: looks, brains, confidence, sense of humor, ambition, caring, compassion. She could probably get you into all the SNL after-parties too.
Drawbacks: I mean…I guess you’d have to be at odds with Will Arnett which would kind of suck. Or maybe everything’s amicable and you all three could hang out? (OMG COOL.)
The only real drawback seems to be that I bet Amy Poehler is hella busy right now. Not sure if she has time for a new boo between her work and her two adorable little boys. If you’re looking to be someone’s number one priority, Amy’s not for you. But if you’re also confident and cool, then maybe you two could make it work.
You Must Be: Fun, funny, able to handle your shit, confident, a feminist, smart, into comedy, spontaneous, into kids, and passionate about erm, politics:
The Dowry Amy Brings: Friendship with the Parks and Rec cast, two adorable baby boys (one’s a ginger!), comedy legend status, non-stop fun, golden hair, brains and ambition, Tina Fey’s cellphone number and did I mention comedy legend status?
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He holds my hand in his lap, looks me directly into the eyes and says, “I love you more than the amount of sperm a blue robin makes.”
Took my own braces off with nail clippers.
…So let’s go there.
It’s 2 A.M. and you find yourself in front of a fast food restaurant. The world spins, your stomach growls, and your heart beats. You’re drunk and hungry.