Wife Material Vol. 3: Kate Upton
I have a very distinct type: weirdos and their ilk. Generally, the blonde conventionally attractive types do nothing for me. I like a good furry pair of eyebrows or a crooked smile. I understand that certain people are good-looking, but they absolutely do nothing for me. Kate Upton should be one of those people. And yet, I can’t look away from her shining, beautiful face. I’m chalking this up to her being — maybe not my type — but humanity’s type. I give up, guys. She’s just that irresistible and we are alllll shallow buttheads now. (Or at least for the next few minutes. Then, we can go back to being rational human beings.)
Name: Kate Upton
Occupation: Model, swimsuit connoisseur, nipple enthusiast, blonde bombshell, ruiner of athlete’s prowess (you know, because women have that affect on pro ball players, I guess).
Description: Kate Upton is a 20-year-old model from Florida who won Rookie of the Year in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 2011. After her first appearance in the mag, a video of her dancing the “Dougie” at a Los Angeles Clippers game went crazy viral propelling Upton into internet stardom.
Upton is known for her insane good looks — she OOZES sex appeal and isn’t flat or stick-thin like other models — and for her kind of goofy charm. Another viral video she made, dancing the “Cat Daddy” for creepster photog Terry Richardson is simultaneously adorable, awkward and …sexy? That’s the thing that fascinates me about this girl. I can’t figure out if she’s purposefully being coy (likely) or if she’s just a big, confident weirdo in this hot chick’s body.
Benefits to Marriage: You’ve seen Kate Upton, right? I mean…look at her. Lady knows how to work a string bikini. I want to say something about objectification and all the bad it brings, but I just…can’t look away from her body.
I also don’t mean to be crass but she’s an award-winning equestrian so…you know, horseback riding. …Sorry. I know. I know. On top of that (pun intended?), she just always looks like she’s having the best time of her life. I haven’t seen one candid picture where she isn’t smiling like a maniac. She’s always dancing or running around or being silly. The basis of marriage is friendship, and Upton looks like she’d be a cool-ass friend. She seems ditzy, but at the same time kind of self-aware (when David Letterman said being a super model must be hard, Kate rolled her eyes and replied, “Sooo hard”).
Upton also knows the Internet — maintaining a Tumblr and Twitter feed and understanding what makes a good viral video. What? This isn’t a benefit of marriage to everyone? Huh.
Drawbacks: Because of her somewhat annoying voice and stunningly young age, some critics think Upton must be uh…less stimulating in the intellectual arenas. So okay, maybe she’s an airhead. Or maybe it’s a part she’s playing. Her job isn’t to be a biomedical engineer — it’s to look hot. I’d say if you’re looking for a brainy partner, Upton’s not your wife. But you knew that already.
Also, some idiots think Upton is fat but those are probably the same people who don’t understand the appeal of Christina Hendricks, and frankly, I do not want to know them.
You Must Be: Fun, kind of shallow, unreasonably attractive, probably rich, probably a professional athlete or rapper, silly, good at horseback riding, up on the latest hip-hop dance trends, did I mention a rich pro athlete?
The Dowry Kate Brings: LOOK AT HER.
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