Why I’m Overweight

Jun. 26, 2012

By Monica Purcell info

I'm studying writing and English literature at Macquarie University, Sydney. My dream is to make it as a novelist.

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No one has ever asked me why I’m overweight, only told me I’m Fat. I was made aware of my genetic metabolic failures at the ripe age of six as my full, rosy cheeks crept from cute to excessive. And despite the ups and downs of the scales over the years, I always saw my body as a grotesque thing — hanging, swinging laboriously from my neck.

I’ve found that there are two types of people who talk about obesity. The kind that want to sell you something to instantly cure your ugly; and the kind that want to condemn you for being irresponsible, lazy, and gluttonous. While Type A and B may argue about the answer (magic pills versus eating less sticks of butter), they never fail to emphasize the simplicity of it, when there is no simplicity to it at all.

In my teenage years, I met a girl named Alex. She was chubby, wrapped up in clothing too tight and phrases too generic, “Why do I always fall for the jerks,” “All I want to do is shop,” “Why can’t I have your thighs.” Yes, she always wanted new limbs, for she cried often about the inferiority of her own body. That was, until she starved it into submission. She never achieved stick thinness but she got to a point of relative attractiveness nonetheless. So, I asked her, did she finally feel good? Her answer was simple: “Well, I’m not Angelina Jolie.” And it was true. She wasn’t. The guys still f-cked her and left and the girls still laughed at her.

From that I learned to look at weight loss the way most people do, as a never-ending chain towards the Angelina Jolie ideal — tiny, tiny, tiny — And I could never be that tiny! I knew quite rightly that it would never be enough, there would always be someone skinnier, more air-brushed, more mythical. Because no matter how slim-lined Alex came to be, it took one minor rejection from a boy or a back-handed compliment from a girl to shatter it instantly and entirely. One rejection and her body was again, a grotesque thing — hanging, swinging laboriously from her neck. So I stopped believing I could change my grotesque thing.

In the time after Alex, I became what I was always identified as: Fat. I was well-versed on how Fat people behave so I became gluttonous, I became lazy, I became irresponsible. I also took up smoking, drinking, cutting, and all with the odd illegal substance thrown in here and there. My relationship with my body was well and truly severed. I stubbornly began to visualize myself as just a floating head and I took to the bodiless endeavour of writing. I let my mind define me. But, it wasn’t enough.

I was on the verge of emphysema when I quit smoking for the eighth and the very last time. I took up swimming to clear and strengthen my lungs. Suddenly I remembered how good it felt to swim as a kid, before my bathing suit embarrassed me. I loved the feeling of water filling my ears, I savoured the strength in each stroke I took and the relief in each breath. It became a positive bodily experience, one built on trust and respect. For the first time in my whole life, I realized what a remarkable gift good health was, how it enriches one’s life so undetectably but ever so significantly! So I decided I would try to incorporate a few healthier changes to my diet. It felt so good that I began to build my own generous but responsible, calorie-controlled diet.

I don’t think about Beauty so much anymore. I like to think I’ve politely withdrawn myself from the rat race poor Alex was in, chasing after an illusion, an ideal, an advertising pitch. I’ve lost 11 kilos so far. If such a thing as Beauty does exist, it exists only in the luminous moments between a healthy body and a healthy mind. TC Mark

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  • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

    Good for you. Choose health above all others – the rest comes naturally. Keep it up, don’t count numbers, don’t start smoking again – you’re on the right track!

  • nippledinky mcgnonagal

    love it!

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/why-i%e2%80%99m-overweight/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] Thought Catalog » Life Add a comment [...]

  • http://lifeisnotamovie.net Robin

    Great article, always good to hear someone who has figured out how to find their way out dark emptiness of obsesity. I’m still working on it, everyday. Good for you. I wish I could take a month off of work and I know I’d be able to get to a better place. Until then every day is a struggle.

    • http://gravatar.com/monicapurcell monicapurcell

      Thanks so much, I appreciate that :)
      I know what you mean! I was lucky because when I quit smoking I was just about to go and live interstate so I got away from my smoking buddies and I didn’t have a whole lot of money. It was like a welcome intervention! When I came home again in 3 months I was over the worst of it. But it sounds like you do need more time for yourself and your health, cut back hours? Good luck!

  • Iris

    I took up swimming for the wrong reasons but ended up loving it for the right ones! Stay strong, healthy, and just keep swimming!

  • Joe

    What the fuck is a “kilo”?

    • http://www.facebook.com/afina.ke Marta Perkons

      Know your metric system. 11 kg is around 24 pounds. One kg is about 2.2 pounds. Meh.

    • Ashleigh

      get on board with the metric system, bro.

    • Karma

      It’s a fucking unit of measurement.

      • Feedbag

        I didn’t know karma had such a sharp temper…

    • Butler
  • MM

    I really like this article! I am battling being fat (or just overweight) myself and now It has strictly became a mind game. I tell myself that I want to just be smaller to fit in a size 12 or 10 (a size 16 now), but then I want to be stick skinny. Then I decide I shall just let myself go and not care, then I fully care. It has basically became me against myself. I hate it. I hate what my mind thinks!

    • http://gravatar.com/monicapurcell monicapurcell

      Thankyou! I appreciate that :)
      It really is a psychological battle, isn’t it! Once I’d overcome the hump of it, it wasn’t that hard to work out how to do it (calories, exercise, etc.) I think that’s where media fails us as well, they don’t address the psychology of it, in fact they perpetuate the negative really. Anyway, I hope you overcome those negative thoughts & beliefs soon, believe in yourself :)

  • alice

    So, why are you overweight?

    You [the author] seem to have a warped body image and possibly at risk for an eating disorder. This article isn’t uplifting, it’s the precursor to illness and I worry for you. I hope your friend (whether Angelina Jolie thin or not) got the care she very much needs. There is a misconception that all people with eating disorders are grossly underweight.

  • Stina MarieC

    You can be healthy all you want, but that’s not always enough to lose weight.

    • Nina

      Well that’s just it – it’s more important to be healthy than to look skinny.

  • Olivia

    Hey…..high five, chick. High five.

  • J

    So happy to hear that you’re striving for healthy rather than skinny. We should never stop striving for health — our bodies are powerful engines and we should treat them with respect. Those who admit defeat, continue to stuff garbage in their greasy mouths, and then chastise others for “fat-shaming” make me sick.

    • http://gravatar.com/monicapurcell monicapurcell

      Good health is the imperative, of course, but I do think “fat-shaming” only perpetuates the problem. The low self esteem it creates is in itself defeating.

  • anonymous

    Eat FEWER sticks of butter. Not “less sticks of butter.”

  • http://15kmph.tumblr.com james

    found this > https://twitter.com/#!/DearObesePeople
    minutes after reading this TC article

  • cheeryislandgirl

    wonderfully written! This inspires me! Health should be the only motivator, not beauty.

  • Jude

    I’m really happy to see this article since I’m currently trying to lose a bit of weight. At first I dreaded swimming but now I’m starting to like it as well! Ahh, the only problem left is to quit smoking. Getting over that seems so hard.

  • Marley

    I love this article. Most people just don’t get that being overweight, and bingeing for me aren’t just things I can snap out of and that there is a lot more to it than shoving things down my throat. It’s about how crappy I feel on the inside and how out of control my life can be. I’m also a self-harmer and I know that one thing is linked to the other. It is hard to be healthy when you can’t think straight and other people are telling you everything is simple.

  • http://pretendiloveyou.blogspot.com Alejandra

    Thank you for this, I told my mother last week, I don’t think my issues revolve around me being overweight, I don’t want that to be the key, I want to get healthy, I do not want a part in the beauty race. She told me… you’ll feel better and get a boyfriend once you lose weight. I said, I really don’t care about it mother, that’s not the point. And she said, you say it isn’t, but it is, of course you want to be skinny, if you think you don’t, your unconscious wants it. Haha anyway, reading this really helps get that off my mind.

  • http://www.facebook.com/emily.mancer Emily Mancer

    i think the main problem is there are two extremes in our culture – thin (and attractive) or fat. Anything that falls in between, healthy or not, isn’t deemed acceptable. A size 8 or 10 may have a perfectly healthy BMI, eat and exercise well but because they don’t fit the stick thin cultural ideal, may still develop feelings of inadequacy. And that’s what starts the whole cycle of body obsession, always striving to fit this ideal or goal weight that eventually ceases to become the object because it isn’t about being thin/attractive/in shape/whatever…eventually there is no object anymore, it’s this pursuit of (unattainable) perfection that becomes an addiction. And no matter how thin you are, how much weight you lose, you will never be happy. Maybe this doesn’t apply to everyone – in fact, of course it doesn’t – but speaking as somebody who has suffered from anorexia for 5 years, it’s a very, very common phenomenon that occurs amongst people with body issues. They’ll go on a harmless diet, often just to lose a few kilos and drop a dress size, and end up with a full blown eating disorder perhaps just a year later. Thanks for writing this article :)

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