Who Should Star In The Female Expendables?
Do you know how much ass Hillary Clinton has had to kick in her life? Everyone at Wellesley’s ass, then everyone at Yale’s ass, then her husband’s ass a whole bunch of times, then the Senate’s ass, then, as Secretary of State, everyone in the world’s ass. Which is perfect training for the Expendables, by the way. I mean, what’s harder, having your husband cheat on you in front of the whole world, or slicing some chick’s brain open with a throwing star in a movie? Look, if you don’t want to cast Hillary, that’s fine. But you’re telling her, not me.
Sarah Michelle Gellar
No woman has been a more entertaining ass kicker in the history of television than Sarah Michelle Gellar. If you think that’s a crazy statement, then you tell me who’s better than Buffy? Smart, funny, and great with those spinning jump kick thingies. Basically, she’s a Gilmore Girl who knows Jiu Jitsu, and that gets her a role in my movie anytime. It’s my movie now, right?
Snoop from The Wire
Felicia “Snoop” Pearson is easily the scariest person in the world who I can’t understand. Every time I watch The Wire’s 4th season, I grasp one more word of Snoop’s unintelligible mutterings — which currently brings me to a grand total of six words. But man, are those frightening words. Felicia was born addicted to crack, murdered a girl at 14, spent 7 years in prison, and knows her way around a nail gun. She’s in.
I spent the entirety of junior high playing Street Fighter II, and I never once beat Chun Li. When I close my eyes at night I still see her Spinning Bird Kick, destroying my poor E. Honda again and again. Can The Expendables have animated characters, you ask? Well, Mickey Rourke was in the first one, and is Chun Li’s face any less real than his?
I will say this right now: The Expendablettes is not legit without Sigourney Weaver. Give that woman a tank top, a cargo loader, and an alien with a mouth inside its other mouth and instantly you have action movie history. Without Sigourney Weaver, you have no Angelina Jolie, Linda Hamilton, or Michelle Rodriguez. And she can actually act, which will be an interesting diversion for the Expendables franchise.
OK, fine. Oprah Winfrey is not an action star. But do you really think that if she wanted you dead Oprah would have any trouble making it happen? Sure, she looks chipper and friendly, but hasn’t it always seemed like if you cross Oprah you end up dead in a ditch two phone calls later? If you think I’m exaggerating, just tell me when’s the last time anyone heard from Phil Donahue. Every action film needs a bankrolling evil mastermind, and I nominate Oprah.
No one talks about Alias anymore. Why is that? Garner was great as a bad-ass double/triple/quadruple agent (it got a little confusing at the end there), and I think it’s time she got back to her roots. If it’s necessary for her to play the role of Chun-Li, I can accept that.
Sure, she’s not appropriate in any way, but wouldn’t it totally be worth ten bucks to see Maggie Smith watch two people fight, then deliver withering one liners while sitting in a chair and holding a cane? When someone dies, she can turn her head slightly and say “Oh well, one must not go to pieces at the death of every foreigner. What’s for tea?” Trashy Action + Dowager Countess = Greatest Movie Ever.
That’s my list. Who do you want to see in the female Expendables?
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The way I see it, every object you own is connected to you by a string like the house in ‘Up,’ and each string is tied to a fishhook embedded in your abdomen.
That’s right. I also drive a Ford Aerostar with no windows. It’s practical.
6. Get Blackout
I’ll rest there for as long as you’ll let me, for as long as I can.