Who Should Star In The Female Expendables?

Oct. 6, 2012

By Brian Donovan info

Brian Donovan has written for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, NPR, Chappelle's Show, CNN, Fox News, Comedy Central, and ...

Read more »

It was announced recently that an all female version of The Expendables is in the works, and instantly the casting rumors started. Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale, Gina Carano from “Haywire” — all the names that you’d expect. And sure those women sound good, but aren’t they a little… conventional? I mean, this is the franchise that brought back Dolph Lundgren and gave the Guy From The UFC Whose Name I Don’t Remember actual lines of dialogue! The Expendables are not afraid to get creative and make a splash. With that in mind, here are some of the women I’d like to see in The Lady Expendables. The Expendablettes? The Expendables with Boobs? Anyway, here are the names…

Hillary Clinton

Do you know how much ass Hillary Clinton has had to kick in her life? Everyone at Wellesley’s ass, then everyone at Yale’s ass, then her husband’s ass a whole bunch of times, then the Senate’s ass, then, as Secretary of State, everyone in the world’s ass. Which is perfect training for the Expendables, by the way. I mean, what’s harder, having your husband cheat on you in front of the whole world, or slicing some chick’s brain open with a throwing star in a movie? Look, if you don’t want to cast Hillary, that’s fine. But you’re telling her, not me.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

No woman has been a more entertaining ass kicker in the history of television than Sarah Michelle Gellar. If you think that’s a crazy statement, then you tell me who’s better than Buffy? Smart, funny, and great with those spinning jump kick thingies. Basically, she’s a Gilmore Girl who knows Jiu Jitsu, and that gets her a role in my movie anytime. It’s my movie now, right?

Snoop from The Wire

Felicia “Snoop” Pearson is easily the scariest person in the world who I can’t understand. Every time I watch The Wire’s 4th season, I grasp one more word of Snoop’s unintelligible mutterings — which currently brings me to a grand total of six words. But man, are those frightening words. Felicia was born addicted to crack, murdered a girl at 14, spent 7 years in prison, and knows her way around a nail gun. She’s in.

Chun Li

I spent the entirety of junior high playing Street Fighter II, and I never once beat Chun Li. When I close my eyes at night I still see her Spinning Bird Kick, destroying my poor E. Honda again and again. Can The Expendables have animated characters, you ask? Well, Mickey Rourke was in the first one, and is Chun Li’s face any less real than his?

Sigourney Weaver

I will say this right now: The Expendablettes is not legit without Sigourney Weaver. Give that woman a tank top, a cargo loader, and an alien with a mouth inside its other mouth and instantly you have action movie history. Without Sigourney Weaver, you have no Angelina Jolie, Linda Hamilton, or Michelle Rodriguez. And she can actually act, which will be an interesting diversion for the Expendables franchise.

Oprah Winfrey

OK, fine. Oprah Winfrey is not an action star. But do you really think that if she wanted you dead Oprah would have any trouble making it happen? Sure, she looks chipper and friendly, but hasn’t it always seemed like if you cross Oprah you end up dead in a ditch two phone calls later? If you think I’m exaggerating, just tell me when’s the last time anyone heard from Phil Donahue. Every action film needs a bankrolling evil mastermind, and I nominate Oprah.

Jennifer Garner

No one talks about Alias anymore. Why is that? Garner was great as a bad-ass double/triple/quadruple agent (it got a little confusing at the end there), and I think it’s time she got back to her roots. If it’s necessary for her to play the role of Chun-Li, I can accept that.

Maggie Smith

Sure, she’s not appropriate in any way, but wouldn’t it totally be worth ten bucks to see Maggie Smith watch two people fight, then deliver withering one liners while sitting in a chair and holding a cane? When someone dies, she can turn her head slightly and say “Oh well, one must not go to pieces at the death of every foreigner. What’s for tea?” Trashy Action + Dowager Countess = Greatest Movie Ever.

That’s my list. Who do you want to see in the female Expendables? TC Mark

You should like Thought Catalog on Facebook here.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,


View Comments

Add Yours »

Cataloged in

Text Size:

A | A | A

blog comments powered by Disqus

Recently Cataloged