What People Say On The Internet Vs What They Really Mean
What They Say: brb
What They Mean: I probably have nothing else to do right now, but I can’t just stop responding to you entirely, so I’m going to pretend to be off doing something really important so as to justify my sudden, prolonged absence.
What They Say: [Sets gchat status to "busy"]
What They Mean: Okay, let’s be honest, I’m not actually “busy” for literal weeks on end, I just want a semi-legitimate justification for the times when I just choose not to respond to people, and would also like to simultaneously dissuade people from sending me less-pertinent information.
What They Say: lol
What They Mean: I may have briefly smirked or let a little puff of air out of my nose, but I am by no means laughing — and certainly not in any way that could be described as “loud.” If anything, I am “lying out loud.”
What They Say: LMAO ASLKDJFAOIEWUTALJSTLKGJA I’M DYING OMG CANNOT BREATHE
What They Mean: I may have elicited an actual, audible chuckle, congratulations. (Though there is also a strong chance that I remained perfectly still and thought to myself, “Heh, this was very funny.”)
What They Say: Omg I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu you are so beautiful can I please have your babies ok thanks
What They Mean: You are a good friend, and I am proud to declare you as such, but let’s be honest, it would be kind of weird if we said these things to each other in real life as often as we say them online.
What They Say: THIS IS THE WORST THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE
What They Mean: This is vaguely upsetting, I wish I hadn’t come across this.
What They Say: [something something something] Hitler
What They Mean: Okay so basically there is no way for me to win this argument, or even exit it with a little bit of grace, so I’m just going to compare whatever I’m arguing against to Hitler and call it a day so I can go eat some spicy Cheetos.
What They Say: “Maybe”
What They Mean: LOL I’m totally not showing up to this shit.
What They Say: I’m wearing that little silk nightie you like, but I can take it off if you like ;)
What They Mean: I’m in sweatpants watching Gossip Girl on the other tab, but come on, we’ve been doing a long distance relationship for eight months now, I’m not getting paid for this shit.
What They Say: Oh, I’m just listening to that underground shoegaze album Pitchfork loves so much, it’s pretty good I think…
What They Mean: I’m listening to terrible Christmas music by the cast of High School Musical for the fourth time today AND I LOVE IT
What They Say: I’m not crying from the sheer beauty of this Les Miserables trailer on YouTube, someone’s just cutting onions :’)
What They Mean: JK I’m literally ugly-sobbing into my blanket and I hope everyone hears it because I am not ashamed of this love
What They Say: [something something something] lol
What They Mean: I am actually totally serious right now but I don’t want you to know that and get irrationally upset about it, so I’m gonna temper it with a “lol” to avoid conflict. You’re such a bitch lol
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
By John Howell
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.
By Ed Herro