Ways Your Crush Will Crush You
1. He’ll surprise you. You’ll assume your crushing is one-sided so you’ll keep your newly developed, unrequited lust to yourself. You’ll run around town hoping to bump into him. You won’t know whether to be coy or confident when you finally cross his path, so you’ll choose the former and hope that you plant a subtle seed of interest into his head. You’ll feel yourself blushing as you realize what you’re wearing. You’ll regret the cat-lady-esque outfit you committed to that morning. Despite your fashion faux pas, he’ll show up again. And on purpose. He’ll text you that he’s on his way and you’ll throw your phone across the room in disbelief. Your hopes will go up. Then you’ll start to doubt yourself. Your friends will snap you out of your panic and force another drink into your hands, just in time for you to greet him. You’ll do your best to contain your excitement, but you won’t do a very good job of it.
2. He’ll wave his boyish charm in your face. First he’ll seem interested in your musical taste. He’ll play the song you’re playing while you’re playing it and then you’ll play his suggestions. You’ll go back and forth. He’ll ask you for some “indie” recommendations. He’ll tell you how much he loves his new messenger bag, his cut offs, his fixie. Instead of rolling your eyes, you’ll eat all of this right up. He’ll start quoting some TV show you never watch and you’ll find it oddly endearing. He’ll brag about his newfound love for quinoa, his old-man bedtime, his above average coffee-making abilities. He’ll use phrases like “the bee’s knees” and it won’t annoy you. It’ll have the reverse effect and that’s when you’ll know you’re really screwed.
3. He’ll overshare. It’ll feel like he doesn’t share this way with just anyone. He’ll admit that one beer is all it takes. He’ll tell you that his facial hair still comes in patchy. He’ll say he’s intimidated by you and you won’t believe him for a second. You’ll tell him that watching the Olympics makes you cry, that you have a crush on Michael Cera, that you drink Americanos with steamed soy. He’ll admit that he’s an overthinker and a homebody. He’ll tell you he isn’t good at all of this. You’ll tell him that he’s wrong. You’ll begin to anticipate his little comments on the rain, his Monday morning greetings, his dry humor. You’ll feel yourself beginning to trust him. And then you’ll let yourself feel comfortable.
4. He’ll cut you off. Just like that. You’ll wonder why. You’ll ask yourself a bunch of questions but you won’t come up with any of the answers. You’ll feel like hiding but you won’t know where to go. You’ll tell yourself you’re overreacting and then you’ll feel worse. You’ll write something and then you’ll delete that something. You’ll go for a run and things will feel better for a minute. You’ll watch melodrama on the internet. You’ll allow your love/hate relationship with Dawson’s Creek distract you from your self-indulgent misery. You’ll check your phone again. Then you’ll go about your business, but you’ll know you’re fooling yourself.
5. He’ll rinse and repeat. He’ll pick someone new and he’ll forget about you. He’ll leave you hanging and he won’t think twice. He won’t care what you’re doing this Tuesday night or when you’re coming home next. He won’t say hello, he won’t write back. He’ll save his words, his typing, his clicks for another someone. You’ll try not to care, but you’ll care so much.
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You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.