Warnings For My Future Husband

Apr. 16, 2012

By Lindsay George info

Lindsay is a writer of music and other things in Nashville. She has two pugs and tweets far too many photos of ...

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I know that everyone has their quirks, but I, dear future husband, have some very particular oddities that I need you to sign off on before you commit the remainder of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to being with me.
In no particular order:

There are some days when I really want to do yard work, mowing the lawn included. I occasionally like spending an hour out in the sun, peacefully walking back and forth, making perfectly straight lines, making our yard the envy of the block. I will make these times very clear to you. I will say something to the effect of, “What a pretty day! I think I’d like to go mow the lawn!” I will literally skip outside and fire up the mower. Please assume that all other times, I would like for you to do it.

I have an unhealthy relationship with Masterpiece Theatre and Hilary Duff movies. As in, I have been known to hole myself up on the couch with a family-sized box of Wheat Thins, a case of Diet Coke and the five-hour Pride and Prejudice (where Colin Firth is so dreamy!), followed by the Lizzie McGuire Movie (where she goes to ROME!), followed by four episodes of Downton Abbey (Mr. Bates and Anna! OMG!). In fact, you can probably count on this type of hibernation occurring quarterly. Please, future husband, do not disturb me in this state. Just know that this is nothing to be concerned about, I don’t expect you to join me, and your wife who actually speaks words will return in about 8 hours.

I don’t shave my legs above the knee between November and March (October through April if we move above the Mason-Dixon). I apologize for this in advance; I know it’s not an ideal situation for you. I’m secretly hoping that you are one of those guys who grows his beard out in the winter. If you’re one of those, I think you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

I talk to my mom every day. We talk about everything. This will never change.

I don’t like carrying things. Especially when going out. I will probably ask you to hold any of the following items in your pockets: my phone, cash, ID, keys, lipgloss. Unless my dress has pockets, in which case, I will make a HUGE deal out of the fact that my dress has pockets and I don’t need to ask to use your pocket space. Because, have you seen this? It’s a dress with pockets!

I don’t play well with others in the kitchen. I will try to boss you around, even if you are making your great-grandmother’s recipe that you’ve made 200 times. If I am annoying you, please send me away to walk the dog or buy that one ingredient you “forgot.” If, however, I am taking the lead on the cooking that night, I hope you’ll humor me and allow me to bark orders at you like I’m Mario Batali when there’s only five minutes left on Iron Chef. And, while we’re on the subject, please never root for Bobby Flay when we are watching Iron Chef. I don’t care if it’s a rerun and you know he’s going to win. I hate that guy. No rooting for Flay.

I have two pugs, and they were here before you. So, no complaining when I let them sleep in the bed, when they wake us up at dawn to go out, or when they snore loudly during your favorite TV show. Honestly, if you could love the pugs more than you love me, that would be great.

I call infinite dibs on the spoon after making cookie dough. You can have the bowl. TC mark

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image – Ari Helminen

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  • http://christophermluna.com Christopher Michael Luna

    A couple days ago I was having lunch with a friend who had to read the slush pile as one of her tasks at a publishing office. She confessed that a good third of the submissions were memoir proposals, some of which were fairly written, others of which were interesting, and perhaps one in a thousand of which had some meaning which might be of communal relevance.

    • Miss Understood

      What???

      • http://christophermluna.com Christopher Michael Luna

        Huh?

  • David Ortman

    Allergic to dogs, but I still love ‘em. You’re gonna have to explain the “Flaytred.”

  • Svenry

    I will not be your future husband.

    • http://philolzophy.tumblr.com/ phiLOLZophy

       we should all be so lucky

  • http://twitter.com/jadika Jade Thompson

    ”
    Honestly, if you could love the pugs more than you love me, that would be great.” I like this line.

  • Anna

    Dresses with pockets >

  • cocola chulisnaqui

    “before you commit the remainder of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to being with me.” Yep. That’s what I would say, too. 

  • Anonymous

    Warning for my future husband – I will make your life a misery. That is all.

    • Guest

      If misery to you is holding your awesome wife’s shit while you’re out, letting her have chill time every now and then, loving on some sweet furry things, and mowing the lawn on occasion, then I don’t want to see your bliss.

      • Anonymous

        Ooh I think you misunderstand me, I meant that as a warning to MY future husband.

  • Veronica

    I like this! It’s cute.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    “I don’t shave my legs above the knee between November and March” 
    Shit…I don’t shave above the knee like, ever. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanyukta-Banerjie/1127023186 Sanyukta Banerjie

    very cute! :)

  • Adamcrittenden

    Haiku #?

    Warning to my toilet:
    I ate some Taco Bell
    and you’re my friend.

    • Saadz2k5

       lol epic

    • Guest

      ^ This is 6,6,4 on. Haiku’s are 5,7,5 on.

      You’ve just got a crappy unrhymed tercet poem. Get it, crappy? ;)

  • Parades

    “No rooting for Flay!” haha

  • http://itellstories.org/ Sameer Vasta

    Is it strange that this makes me want to marry you?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I talk to my mother everyday about what I did today. Besties~

  • http://twitter.com/JonTargaryen Carly Fowler

    Dresses with pockets are the greatest invention

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    Raise your hand if you’ve ever been cock blocked in bed by your significant other’s pet.

    • petsinbed

      raise your hand if you’re own pet has cockblocked you out of jealousy. :/   haha the joys and pains of pets. 

      • petsinbed

        your*

  • Anonymous

    Love this. Funny and so relatable. Also, dresses with pockets are the shit :)

  • Anonymous

    Dresses with pockets. 
    yay! 

  • Anonymous

    The five hour long one is soooo the best right?also Downtown!yay!

  • kris

    I can totally relate to dress with pockets part, they are amazing! 

  • http://twitter.com/jpmccord Paul

    I love you, baby.  And I know that everyone has their quirks, and yours, dear future wife, are nothing new.  As you are well aware, I have some oddities of my own, and I think you need to know more before you commit the remainder of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to being with me.

    In no particular order:

    There are some days when I really do not want to do yard work. I rarely like spending an hour out in the sun, sweating profusely, picking up the stench of our yard, the various fluids that fill the mower, and the various fluids and substances that landed in our yard. I will make these times very clear to you. I will say something to the effect of, “Damn grass, growing an inch every day like it owns the place!” I will defeatedly slump to the mower and fire it up. Please assume that all other times, I would like to pay the neighbor’s kid to do it.

    I have a healthy relationship with sports and action movies, and I plan to develop it further. As in, I have been known to spend 14 straight hours on the couch with a family-sized bag of Lays potato chips, a case of beer, and various sports-themed head gear. In fact, you can probably count on this type of hibernation occurring every Saturday and Sunday from September through January, and every evening from April to August. Please, future wife, do not disturb me in this state without compensation in the form of delicious meat, adult beverage, or – on special occasions – …you know… wink. Just know that this is nothing to be concerned about, I don’t expect you to join me, and your husband who actually speaks words will return approximately when you don’t want him to.

    I talk to my mom every week or so. We talk so I can remind her I’m alive and that I still love her, even though I don’t talk to her as often as she would like. This will never change.

    I don’t like carrying things. Especially when going out. This is why I don’t have a purse or a million items in said purse, which is not there. To please you, I may offer to hold up to three of the following items for your occasional lack of proper planning: your phone, your ID, and your keys. Your cash is my cash, so, thanks. And your lipgloss is… Just, no. Sweat like I do with lipgloss in your pocket for an hour and then ask me to hold it again. Yeah, thought so.

    I play very well with others in the kitchen. If you try to boss me around, even if I am making my great-grandmother’s recipe that I’ve made 200 times, I will ask you what you would do differently. The kitchen is both a playground and an educational experience, and food has too much potential for awesome to ignore your input, especially after so many generations of … wait, I don’t like the couch, so I won’t finish that sentence.

    You have two pugs, and you once said you wish I loved them more than I loved you. Well, just for you, baby. Just for you.

    I call infinite dibs on the bowl after you make cookie dough. You can have the spoon. I LOVE what you do with the spoon.

    • http://rureybowmant.wordpress.com rureybowmant

      Hahaha, Oh Paul.

  • http://twitter.com/jpmccord Paul

    (p.s. I hope that wasn’t too much. Please delete if it was. Just my way of showing how much I enjoyed the article. Dear.)

    • alia

      omg you are precious

    • dugotti

      Precious isn’t the precise word that came to mind. Brilliant might do, or Inspired…

  • Oddybobo

    Because this is me, except for the pugs(I have a boxer)…. Love!!!!

  • Guest

    this made me smile :)

  • Veronicatz

    Masterpiece Theatre/Downton Abbey and Hilary Duff! Yes! It’s all about Lady Sibyl/the chaeffeur

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