Things People Say After A Break Up
Though I hate Twitter, I compulsively and masochistically look at the trending topics. Often they’re ridiculous and broad, but sometimes they’re hilarious. The big one trending today is: #ThingsPeopleSayAfterABreakUp. Shiz is heartless like Kanye, ya’ll. But who hasn’t said something they deeply regretted following the end of a relationship. Or better yet, maybe you ZINGED your ex real good. In which case, I want to hear about it. I wanted to watch you say the perfect one-liner as you stroll away, hair perfect in the breeze, not looking back as their car explodes behind you. Just…cool.
Most likely though you just yelled something unintelligible and terrible. I want to hear that too!
Here’s some examples to get you started:
1. All the lyrics to Lily Allen’s “Not Big.”
2. “To the left, to the left…”
3. One time a friend of mine called an ex’s favorite movie “asinine and trite” and it was the best combination of insulting words I’ve ever heard. Try it. Call anything they did “asinine and trite.” There’s nothing to say back to that.
4. “I really want to stay friends.” Never speak to that person again.
5. “My parents hated you.” Don’t know why this one cuts so deep, oh but it does.
6. “Have fun with herpes.” This can be used even if you don’t have herpes. (I’m just kidding. Don’t do this. Jeez.)
8. “We’re just on a break!” Oh, what is this? Friends? Please.
9. “What was I even thinking?” Best case scenario because instead of wallowing, you’re seeing your self-worth and moving on. Hooray!
10. Asking for your stuff back, or offering to give back their stuff. Way harsh, Tai.
11. “I never wanted to hurt you.” Uh, duh. Thanks. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and lines like this, buddy.
12. Text message: “haaai, wut’s up? just home, drinkin’ a bottle of red wine alone. wanna come ova?”
13. “I’m already over it.” Like “I’m an adult,” that’s one of those statements that saying out loud makes not true.
14. “I hope things don’t get awkward between us.” Oh. Like right now?
Add your best, worst, most annoying or most frustrating ones in the comments! We’re better than Twitter, guys! Have at it.
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It is so much more simple to say, “Stop caring what a man thinks, ladies, you’re beautiful as you are,” than to address all of the myriad reasons why that likely doesn’t apply to her.
These discourses, these models of life, are insidious, egregious, and soul crushing.
I cannot see the middle of a relationship at the beginning, but I can see the end from the middle. I know that there will be an end. There has to be. This is just a stop on the road.
I could walk to Celebrate Brooklyn all summer along. I’d learn how to start running. I’d eat meals of happy chickens at the commune across the street.