Things I Would Do If My Name Were “Benedict Cumberbatch”

This site is bullshit, now.

like, you guys should really stop trying to pass this shit off as writing

Sorry you hate comedy! Don’t read silly lists then?

Fair enough! Just trying to be cumber-silly.

once upon a time, thoughtcatalog was a place for eloquent, articulate, well-spoken “thoughts.” call me a literary conservative (sorry, gaby, for making you bear the brunt of this rant), but now, this site has become the xanga of the online literary world. shit’s weak and totally sans-gravitas. again, gaby, i apologize; i appreciate that you were just trying to have fun and be “silly” and admittedly, i am a bit drunk, but it just pains me to see something i once thought was a bastion of intelligent and trenchant literary dialogue degenerate to lists of name-based puns and half-assed pop culture commentary.

/rant.

srs drunk commenter is super srs~*

Dude, I totally get it. But I really think there’s room for both. If you look back in the archives, the last piece I wrote for this site was about almost watching someone die. I don’t think anyone is always one way or the other. Sometimes people want intelligent – which they do get here – and sometimes they want silly. This is called “Thought Catalog” which I interpret to mean a place for all kinds of thoughts. There have definitely been pieces on the site with very intelligent literary commentary – most recently Kate Zambreno on Marie Calloway which I thought was incredibly well thought out and thought provoking. I don’t think mixing silly in with the deep ruins anything. More likely, you could just pick and choose which you wanted to read and in the end, the site is more diverse – a “catalog.”

If I wrote this I’d quickly delete it before anyone saw it and begin thinking long and hard about whether writing and comedy really were ‘for me’. Maybe this is funny to Americans?

Clever insult! I like it! But I do know 100 percent writing and comedy are both for me. Thanks anyway! Also, I am American.

I fucking love Benedict Cumberbatch. That is all.

you’re right, gaby. i definitely consider the diversity of this site to be one of its few saving graces; perhaps the editors should update the “about” section and consider revising their mission statement. however, miss dunn, i would like to bestow upon you significant props, as you’re clearly experienced in dealing with not-so-constructive criticism in a markedly thoughtful and considerate manner. maybe my envy is showing, as i’ve more than once submitted pieces here to no avail. anyway, we cool, you’re not nearly as jive as i thought you’d be in your retort to my inebriated half-rantings.

Absolutely no worries. You might be the first Internet commenter to ever say “You’re right, Gaby” to me possibly ever. I hope you hold that honor dear! We cool, definitely.

I, for one, love it and got a good laugh, and I think those who’re giving you a hard time about it might be living rather sad and pretentious lives. :’) It’s the INTERNET for Chrissake! If you want something scholarly, go to a .gov or .edu. Or better yet, hit up an expansive library. ;)

I liked this. It had just the right amount of silliness and wit. Too much of either can be cumbersome, I mean, cumberbatch.

hah, good shit.

ps: bettermeasureblog.com

hit us up if you’re down with writing “srs” essays having to do with social commentary; we (i) won’t be nearly as drunk in our (my) consideration of your pieces.

#20…good call.  I would much rather he was the Prime Minister than the shiny headed moron we’ve got at the moment.  (Also, if you really love him you should watch Stuart: A Life Backwards he’s brilliant in it).

there was a boy called benedict in my class at school and for some reason he hit puberty years too early, like when we were ten or something. He used to show us his big ol dick quite a bit but it wasn’t creepy or even sexual, he just saw it as something he had that nobody else had, like a rare pokemon.

Not strictly relevant but I thought I’d share

hahahaha I love benedict cumberamazing (and sherlock!) and this may have just made my day.

you Cumberbitch you. 

Wasn’t expecting a reply. I feel bad about criticising your writing on the back of one ‘silly list’. I guess number 9 did make me snigger a bit.

this article made me go ‘hurr hurr hurrr’ several times. this seems to be a new sort of laugh especially for b. cumberbatch esq.

I adore Mr. Cumberbatch. That list is amazing. Maybe if I ever marry Mr. Cumberbatch, we can name our child Quidditch. 

BRILLIANT.

Using “sans-gravitas” and ”
admittedly, i am a bit drunk” in the same post kinda brings question to your credibility, doesn’t it?

So did people call him BeneDICK?

You commenters are so cute. No worries! We cool.

dude, you’re totally right. you win 1 internets.

Okay, I think I love you, you secret Cumberbitch you.

Secret’s out!

I particularly enjoy #5.

Also, more ‘Sherlock’ related posts please. 

Let’s be best friends, and have weekly and/or daily fights about who loves Cumberbatch more.  Because lady, I gots a fever, and the only medicine is more Cumberbatch.

God, I love this. Now I’m torn between wanting to BE him and wanting to cough… whatever.
Sherlock/Ben on Thought Catalog. He is officially ‘a thing’.

Even better: Get a KESTREL and name it Benedict Cumberscratch

If I were you I would begin thinking long and hard whether I was born with any sense of humor (or any sense, for that matter). 

PS - I’m not American, and I find this hilarious, witty and extremely intelligent. As are all her articles.

GABYDUNN, love from Macedonia ;)

 ”like a rare pokemon” is the best simile ever.