Things I Wish I Could Write On Your Facebook Wall

Apr. 26, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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Hey babe! Remember when we lost our virginities to each other? And I licked your balls and ass and whatever else I could lick on your body? I think you even peed on me once in the shower. Anyway, just wanted to say that I love the new profile pic! Let’s do lunch sometime soon! xx

WHAT’S UP?! I was just thinking about the time we were best friends for eight years until we had a terrible falling out. We saw each other through everything: break ups, sickness, and loss, and now I just get to know when you’re checking in to places on FourSquare. Ain’t life a cruel bitch? I would say “Let’s do lunch!” but let’s be real: that’d be one depressing lunch.

Who are you? Did we do coke together once in college?

You have a small penis.

You have a big penis.

I would LOVE to see your penis someday.

“OMG, I love when you post pictures of the food you made for dinner!” — Things No One Thinks When They Look At Your Facebook Photos

We don’t know each other. I just added you because I heard you were a trainwreck and your status updates were AMAZING. Please don’t disappoint.

You’re my best friend’s uncle. Why the hell did you friend request me? More importantly, why did I accept?

I am envious of your career and overall life. Your status updates make me want to die a little bit.

OH HAI, BEST FRIEND FROM 2ND GRADE. You got fat.

You’ve been ignoring my texts for three weeks which means you probably don’t like me. That’s fine, I totally get it. I just think your Facebook friends deserve to know that you’re a person who doesn’t return texts. Did you get that, Facebook friends? Is this thing on?

I don’t really know you but I really appreciate that one night you took care of me when I was vomiting. You seem like a really good person.

You were a terrible roommate. You always clogged the toilet and left strands of your hair everywhere. YOU OWE ME $350, BITCH!

I thought I deleted you. HOW DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE? TC mark

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  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

    “I am envious of your career and overall life. Your status updates make me want to die a little bit.” is pretty much how I feel about everyone I know on facebook and twitter…

    • Nastenka01

       me too

    • http://twitter.com/philosolaktor Lakshitha

      I actually wrote an entire one and a half page rant that I realize is pretty much summed up in this one line.

  • http://twitter.com/jessgrahamcrckr Jessica Graham

    Ryan you are one of my favorite contributors to thought catalog. You ALWAYS crack me up. Keep being awesome. Kthanxbai.

  • Fenestella

    Hilarious 

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    To paraphrase Stephen Levine:

    If you were going to die soon and had only one Facebook post you could make, whose wall would you post on and what would you say?

    And why are you waiting?

  • Faggot

    It’s official, you have run out of things to write about. YOU SUCK SO MUCH DICK.

    • Danny

      Dude, watch your language please. Don’t be an asshole.

    • Anonymous

      but babe….this post is getting so much traffic and fb shares!

  • Sheldon

    Can we stop struggling to coordiante drunk nights together and just rip shots on a Wednesday until we’re both appropraitely drunk enough to fuck?
    That’s mine alright.

    • Tom

      Hilarious and all to relatable. Pretty sure the whole office heard me crack up on this one.

  • HarleyQ

    I definitely didn’t spend the last hour watching you pop on and offline wondering why you didn’t talk to me. I know I could just talk to you, but being cripplingly socially awkward, that seems far too much like putting myself out there. Oh by the way, I love you. Maybe catch you at the next group party thing where I’ll fail to muster the courage to speak to you again.

  • Sarah

    Why the hell did you post on my facebook wall when we haven’t even text/spoken to each other for weeks! You know the whole “we should hang out sometime” isn’t gonna happen. Let’s be real.

  • omgwow

    I don’t feel bad that I haven’t accomplished anything yet, FBfriendsfromHS…because basically you all just got married except that one asian who became a pharmacist, that one gay guy who became a coreographer for Dancing With the Peasants or someshit, and that one other asian who works for CNN…NONE OF YOU HAVE ATTRACTIVE BABIES. okythxbai.

    • SomeGuest

       I would watch Dancing With the Peasants. No joke.

  • Anonymous

    Obsessively stalking pictures of you with your two ex-boyfriends has confirmed to me that I am nowhere near good-looking enough to ask you out. But hopefully I’ll catch you for coffee again next week, where you can remind me just how deeply entrenched in the friend zone I am. Kiss hug kiss.

  • GUESTBF

    OMG – enough of this kid already. How is this possibly worthy of a full article? Ryan, you’re good when you take your time. Please do that more often and spare us from inane ramblings going on in your head. Distill them to the sweet swill that we all know is in you. 

  • Ben Empey

    If you pretend it’s ironic, you could pull off a majority of these (and I have).

  • http://www.about.me/tanyasalyers Tanya Salyers

    bahahaha, I want to just post this on facebook and let people guess which one is them.

  • ariel

    You’ve been ignoring my texts for three weeks which means you probably
    don’t like me. That’s fine, I totally get it. I just think your Facebook
    friends deserve to know that you’re a person who doesn’t return texts.
    Did you get that, Facebook friends? Is this thing on?

    Fact. haha

  • MP9090909

    “We don’t know each other. I just added you because I heard you were a
    trainwreck and your status updates were AMAZING. Please don’t
    disappoint.” – NGL, I’m only still friends with a girl from my HS because her statuses make me feel infinitely better about myself.

  • La

    i can relate to the penis statuses…

  • Andrea

    Is it sad that I relate the most to the first two…?

  • Rbankor

    I WONDER IF MARYJANEHOMO IS ON THIS

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