Things I Wish I Could Write On Your Facebook Wall
Hey babe! Remember when we lost our virginities to each other? And I licked your balls and ass and whatever else I could lick on your body? I think you even peed on me once in the shower. Anyway, just wanted to say that I love the new profile pic! Let’s do lunch sometime soon! xx
WHAT’S UP?! I was just thinking about the time we were best friends for eight years until we had a terrible falling out. We saw each other through everything: break ups, sickness, and loss, and now I just get to know when you’re checking in to places on FourSquare. Ain’t life a cruel bitch? I would say “Let’s do lunch!” but let’s be real: that’d be one depressing lunch.
Who are you? Did we do coke together once in college?
You have a small penis.
You have a big penis.
I would LOVE to see your penis someday.
“OMG, I love when you post pictures of the food you made for dinner!” — Things No One Thinks When They Look At Your Facebook Photos
We don’t know each other. I just added you because I heard you were a trainwreck and your status updates were AMAZING. Please don’t disappoint.
You’re my best friend’s uncle. Why the hell did you friend request me? More importantly, why did I accept?
I am envious of your career and overall life. Your status updates make me want to die a little bit.
OH HAI, BEST FRIEND FROM 2ND GRADE. You got fat.
You’ve been ignoring my texts for three weeks which means you probably don’t like me. That’s fine, I totally get it. I just think your Facebook friends deserve to know that you’re a person who doesn’t return texts. Did you get that, Facebook friends? Is this thing on?
I don’t really know you but I really appreciate that one night you took care of me when I was vomiting. You seem like a really good person.
You were a terrible roommate. You always clogged the toilet and left strands of your hair everywhere. YOU OWE ME $350, BITCH!
I thought I deleted you. HOW DID YOU GET BACK IN HERE?
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This video of a puppy watching a scene we’re so familiar with and evoking the same sentiments we once felt is oddly heartwarming, extremely precious and a dash of funny.
You died, and the hope that you would one day love us back the way we loved you died with you.
Weight Watchers likes to say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Which I guess means they’ve never tasted Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Even when traveling alone, there will always be other travelers, or at least someone to talk to along the way.