The Guide To Not Getting Girls
1. Yell at her from a car. Consider this: have you ever seen a dude scream “Hey, girl!” or something less appropriate at a female and end up successfully meeting and dating/hooking up with her? Probably not. The cat call success rate has to be the lowest percentage of any pickup method in existence. For one it’s startling to have a passerby scream at you as you peacefully stroll down the street. Secondly it’s just ridiculous to think that any type of connection can form from shouting absurd one liners at a stranger. This is ESPECIALLY a no-no if you’re the passenger in the vehicle. Why? The famous song, “No Scrubs” (which is describing something women don’t want none of) specifically mentions a dude who is “hanging out the passenger’s side of his best friend’s ride, trying to holler at me.” SIDENOTE: This excludes street-walkers and those porn videos where they get the girl to have sex on a bus… no, I don’t watch or anything, a friend told me about ‘em.
2. The club/bar brush-up. Public places with dance floors and socializing get crowded, so people will inevitably bump into each other — it just happens. What isn’t so acceptable is placing a hand on a stranger’s lower back or waist. Also your lips thisclose to her ear just to say, “Excuse me.” Trust me on this, trying to cop a feel or invade her bubble is a lot more blatant and a lot less nonchalant than many seem to think., so if you seek rejection, do this.
3. Obtain halitosis. Nobody likes bad breath, especially a girl who’s being approached by a guy that’s suffering from a strong case of it. It’s inexcusable, really — you can’t have morning breath in a nightclub and expect success with the ladies. Here’s a rule of tongue, cover your mouth & nose with your hand, and say the word “halitosis,” emphasizing the “h.” If the smell is putrid enough to make your eyes water, you’ve got a mouthful of funk. As soon as you see a girl that you find attractive, talk within inches of her face and make sure the pungency of your breath steams up her nostrils so viciously that she can taste it.
4. Call her some form of “mother.” You know what I’ve discovered that 99.9% of women hate? When a dude refers to her as “ma,” “mami,” “mama,” “mamas,” etc. No, I haven’t learned this from personal experience but I’ve overheard female friends on numerous occasions and this is not something that they enjoy. So if you’re looking to strike out quickly, try straight up calling her “Mom” and see how it goes… or ends.
5. Text her at 2 a.m. asking if she wants to hangout. Wait until late in the night/early in the morning when all of your other plans fell through and you’re clearly seeking some type of action. It’s a booty call, but state what it is. Tell her that you want to watch movies or something preposterous — then she’ll know that not only do you consider her a strictly physical connection, but you also believe she’s too unintelligent to recognize that. In some cases, both participants are equally using each other, but if you’re trying to win a woman‘s heart — this isn’t the way.
6. The send-a-friend. I remember a kid sending his friend over to ask a girl if she liked him in grade school and the girl said that he needed to man up and talk to her himself. True story!… (The kid was me.) Now, if this was considered a pansy move in grade school, imagine how women feel when a guy in his twenties can’t speak to her face-to-face. If you’re looking for guaranteed rejection or at the very least be labeled childishly shy, proceed with this method.
You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.
A | A | A
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.
The sad truth is that even if we were to invest all of our time and resources into making ourselves look like somebody else, most of us would not succeed in complying with the ridiculously unattainable beauty standard created by the media.