The Different Types Of Jerks You Can Date
The Jerk Who, No Matter What, Takes Hours To Respond To A Text
You’ve just started dating this guy, or maybe you’ve been casually dating for a few weeks or months already, but no matter what, every time you send him a simple text message it takes him FOREVER to get back to you. You sit there, staring at your phone, just waiting for that notification light to blink off. But it never does, does it? See, this puts you in a really difficult position because you can’t really text him (with any claim to sanity) every 15 minutes asking if he got your text message. Believe me, he got the message. Whether he choses to respond right away, that’s a different story. He probably just has a whole binder full of women to get back to, and right now you’re super low on the food chain.
The Sweet Talking Jerk
This guy makes you feel so good. It’s the guy you text your friends being all, “I liiiike him.” He says nice things like how pretty you look and he holds your hand and you get lost in his beautiful face every time you see him. When you’re out in public, people tell you what a cute, awesome couple you are. But it’s all veneer. You’re super into him, but he’s just going through the motions. He’s not really there. This jerk has no guiltily conscience so he’ll say whatever he needs to say or do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants out of you. A means to an end.
The Jerk You’re Kind Of Seeing But Who Suddenly Gets Into A Relationship With Somebody That’s Not You
You’ve been talking to this guy for a while now, and you’re convinced that this thing is about to pop off and get serious. But then, out of nowhere, he starts making up excuses about why he can’t meet you. You make dates but then he starts standing you up. Now you’re getting suspicious. You tell him you want to hang out but then he’s like, “Oh, I just got serious with somebody, so you should just be aware of that. But I do think you’re a very nice person.” That last part about you being a very nice person is key, a way to let you down easily. All players use it. The thing is, you can’t get too mad because, I mean, you weren’t necessarily exclusive, so free love and all that. For all intents and purposes, though, you and him were about to become a thing. But don’t you worry. Like a boomerang, they always come back. I promise, in a few short weeks/months, he will text you again out of the blue and it will say, “Sup? I miss talking to you.”
The Jerk Who Breaks Your Heart And Treats You Like Shit Without Even Realizing They Are Breaking Your Heart And Treating You Like Shit
Sometimes, people can just be mean. Sometimes we don’t want to be bothered by other people, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be sensitive to their feelings. Or we say mean things in the heat of the moment, but then maybe retract them once we realize what a fool we were for saying that. Not this jerk! This jerk doesn’t even realize how much they’re hurting you. When you call them out on it, all they have to say is “I can see how I made you feel that way and I’m sorry for making you feel that way” which, by the way, is not an apology. It’s just them recognizing that, “Yeup, I hurt you. Now let’s move onto something else.”
The Jerk Who Makes You Feel Like You’re The One Who’s Paranoid When, Actually, They’re The One Doing All The Lying
The best kinds of liars are the ones who project and try to make you feel like you’re the one who’s batshit crazy so they can cover up their own tracks. Enjoy their big excuses and tall tales so you can make fun of them in a memoir one day! “I had to answer that 2 a.m. phone call in a low, whispered voice because my friend needed some help with a math problem and I didn’t want to wake you. Why are you trippin’?” Mmmhm.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.