The Complete Guide To Having Sex In Your Twenties
The “I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex
“I can’t believe I’m seeing you naked” sex could be either good or bad. Your disbelief could stem from your joy of finally being able to seal the deal on a long-standing crush, or you could actually just be shocked that you’re having sex with someone you have no interest in. Either way, it’s exciting! Like unwrapping the weird-shaped box under the Christmas tree! You’re just like, “What the HELL could be under there?”
Double the sex: Blast “Underneath Your Clothes” by Shakira during coitus and whisper the lyrics, “Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless #NotClearOn story…” in their ear
The “Why don’t we make sense anywhere else other than the bedroom?” sex
Great sex can be a curse if it doesn’t translate to your brains. It’s a cruel joke, this idea that you could be so in tune with someone when they’re naked but when the orgasms fade, they might as well be speaking Greek to you. You’ll try so hard to make it work, you will never have tried harder to have a good conversation with someone, but it’s not in the cards. Whatever you do, do NOT get into a relationship with this person. You’ll just end up having lots of amazing sex punctuated with awkward silences, which may sound appealing but… no.
Double the sex: Try to spend the whole day together without having sex. Plan fun activities to ensure that it’ll be a good time. End up sleeping together in a public place by 6pm.
The “I’m too distracted” sex
Admit it, your mind wanders during sex. It wanders to a faraway land so removed from blowjobs and naked bodies that you’ll wonder where the hell you actually are. “I thought I was having sex?” you’ll ask yourself. “So how did I end up thinking about Darfur?” Don’t feel bad for having sex ADD. Sometimes you just aren’t in the mood. You start off feeling really into it but then you quickly lose steam. Unfortunately, you can’t back out! You’ve already committed to it! You’ve signed the agreement. Now you just have to moan and bear it. Oh, the horrors!
Double the sex: Have someone go down on you with the TV on and find yourself more engrossed with the TV show than the oral sex. Yes, this means your life is offically a Blink-182 song.
The “Wait, are we making love?” sex
So much of the sex we have in our twenties is hilarious, awkward, and primal. Like, you’re either laughing and getting embarrassed or trying to imitate the kind of sex you see in porn. Occasionally though, you will actually find yourself MAKING LOVE to someone and it will blow your effing mind like a Sade song. You might even find yourself wanting to weep silently in your pillow afterward. (That’s not okay. You can’t do that. I understand it but nope.) Making love is different than screwing and that difference is that YOU ARE A LESBIAN. Just kidding. The difference is that you actually love the person you’re with and you’re not so concerned with just getting yourself off. You want to demonstrate your love for this person via an intense make out session and gentle ball caresses. You want to shake and quiver and be held.
Double this sex: Actually listen to Sade during a lovemaking session. Be that gay.
The “I hate you byeeeeeee” sex
Angry sex is real and has the ability to end lives. It’s that crazy! It’s especially dangerous to have it in your twenties because, hi, we’re permanently angry about everything and sometimes tweeting rude shit on our Twitter isn’t enough! We have to basically kill some poor, unfortunate soul one violent thrust at a time! Oh, the casualties! Go join my sexual graveyard with the rest of them. (Sidenote: Angry sex can also be easily be confused with drunk sex because you often wake up with the same amount of bruises. But trust me, it’s different.)
Double the sex: Roleplay. Nothing gets you a “Get out of jail free” card better than a crazy sexual roleplaying session. “I didn’t mean to scratch your face and make you bleed! I was just getting into character, jeez!”
The “Oh, we’re doing dirty talk? Ok!” sex
Dirty talk is an acquired taste. Many people don’t like it but I find that if it’s with the right person, it can be really fun. Just don’t overdo it too much because the line between “sexy” and “EW, WTF?” is super thin.
Double the sex: Say this: “And then I’m gonna feed you kale from Whole Foods and pay off your student loans. Oh, yeah. And then you know what I’m gonna do to you next? I’m going to pay off your sexy credit card debt and buy you a freaking sexy ass apartment!” Seriously if someone said this to me during sex, I would cum, like, 8000 times.
The “Did we have sex?” sex
I can’t mention sexual experiences in your twenties without including alcohol and memory loss. 60% of our sexual experiences are forgettable quite literally because we can’t remember them! And there is nothing worse than waking up the morning after next to some person you vaguely recognize and realizing you need to poop.
Double the sex: Take Xanax. Have Xanax sex. You could let the person do you in the bellybutton and not care/have any memory of it later.
The “I can’t believe I just had anal sex” sex
Anal is a rite of passage for many people in their twenties. Whether they’re doing out of curiosity or necessity, it’s an experience that leaves its mark on everyone. (Hopefully a mark that’s not their shit.) Only do it if you’re truly committed though. Like, if you can get out of an anal situation, by all means, run like hell. But if you’re interested to see how the other (gayer) half lives, go forth! Live in the land of anal! Just make sure you give yourself some prep time and, if possible, consult an on-site therapist before, after, and during.
Double the sex: Do it with a well-endowed person and see STARS.
The “turn the freaking lights off” sex
Having sex with the lights on takes balls and a 28-inch waist. It’s hard to let someone see your body in HD. It’s hard to let them see every weird nook under a beaming light. So, who can blame you for wanting to do it in a blackout? Maybe you went to Chipotle and want to conceal a food baby. Maybe you just don’t want to see what your partner really looks live. Whatever the reason, just know this: Darkness is our friend.
Double the sex: Have a breakout on your back. Have sex with someone you’ve already slept with, except you were ten pounds lighter.
The “Oh my god, the condom broke!” sex
If condoms are supposed to be our friends, why do they betray us so often? Why do they run off our penises in the middle of the night, leaving us to believe that we’re pregnant or a baby daddy? It’s the worst when this happens with someone you just met. “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy but I think the condom broke! So let’s get Plan B!”
Double the sex: Actually get pregnant.
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