The Complete Guide To Having Feelings
The “I HATE EVERYONE” Feeling
This is one of the most common feelings to ever exist and can be triggered by a variety of different things, including but not limited to: spending too much time on the internet, talking to a stupid person, watching a fat person eat a hot fudge sundae, or finding out that someone you know is becoming more successful than you. There is no way to really get rid of this feeling other than to just, you know, love yourself. But that’s really hard to do. To love yourself is to know yourself and who the HELL really knows who they are?
Double this feeling: Lurk people from high school on Facebook, read Internet commenters, go to a fashion party and talk to a barely literate girl named Sophie who just made $50,000 from DJing a party in Dubai.
The “I’m going to the airport in a cab” Feeling
This feeling originates from having watched too many episodes of The Hills. It feels like an epic movie moment, like you’re leaving behind your life and starting over — even if you’re actually just going away for two days.
Double this feeling: Play an epic song on your iPod like “All My Friends” by LCD Soundsystem or “Teenage Wasteland” by The Who, and stare at the window longingly for the duration of the ride. Fall into a complete daze and only come to when your cab driver tells you that you’ve arrived.
The “I’m sitting down in the shower” Feeling
Some of your best thoughts will come to you when you’re sitting down in the shower and letting the water wash over you. You’re at peace, away from everything, and you can finally just let your feelings move around and do their job. A shower epiphany is the best kind of epiphany, in my opinion. Well, the ones you have while driving in a car late at night or on a park bench can be pretty great too.
Double this feeling: Stare at your pruned fingers and then your penis. Sigh audibly and dunk your head lazily underneath the shower nozzle.
The “I’m laying down in bed and staring at the ceiling” Feeling
Nothing opens the emotional floodgates faster than laying down on your bed and staring at your blank walls. It will make you feel like a 5-year-old who’s been sent to bed without dessert. Your feelings will run the gamut, everywhere from “I’m tired” to “I hate my life” to “Maybe I should just masturbate…”
Double this feeling: Have your roommate walk in on your brooding fest and feel very uncomfortable, like they just caught you with your pants down. Burn incense.
The “I just got laid” Feeling
The “I just got laid” feeling is coveted by many. We want to experience it all the time, we want to drown in it, but we can’t always get what we want now can we? When you do get your wish granted though, you’ll do strange things like decide to walk home in a vicious snowstorm or call your grandma. You will feel complete for the next 37 hours. You might even clean your room.
Double this feeling: Have sex with someone else a day after. Look at yourself naked in the mirror for five minutes. Maybe six if you look thin and the sex was great.
The “I want to get drunk and/or do drugs” Feeling
Depending on who you are, your proclivity toward addiction, and how crappy your life is, you might experience this feeling anywhere from once a month to five times a day. It will make you feel weak and desperate, like you have unhealthy coping mechanisms. You will feel the urge to combat this with feelings of “I want to be a better person and not give into this self-destructive pattern.” You will, in all likelihood, still end up drinking and/or doing drugs. Ha ha!
Double this feeling: Get dumped, get into a fight with your boyfriend or, even worse, be really bored.
The “I’m very lucky” Feeling
This feeling rarely happens because having perspective can make life less fun but when it does occur to you that you live a pretty good life, you will smile for the next 10 minutes, at least. You’ll pat yourself on the back for being so self-aware and then spend 30 dollars on dinner without feeling guilt which, by the way, is one of the most useless feelings ever and has the highest calorie content. Don’t ever feel guilt! Be a sociopath!
Double this feeling: Watch Precious or read about some girl with no legs who’s on welfare in Stockton, California.
The “Everyone has their shit together but me!” Feeling
Feelings of inadequacies spill over into about 60% of the things you feel every day. It can be triggered by the morning after a one-night stand or the fact that you just spent your last 20 dollars on weed. I mean, there are a lot of opportunities for you to feel bad about yourself. You don’t have to look too far. Trust me.
Double this feeling: Bring coke to a party and have everyone decline when you ask if they want some.
The “I’m fat” Feeling
Everyone feels fat at some point, even people who are most definitely skinny. This feeling occurs most prevalently during the summertime when you’re forced to be naked and, thus, more aware of your body.
Double this feeling: Be a gay man or a girl. Try on a pair of jeans at a hipster clothing store. Be best friends with someone who’s anorexic. Read fashion magazines. Eat over the sink at midnight. Be actually fat.
The “I’m in love, bitch!” Feeling
If you have the opportunity to feel what it’s like to be in love, you will understand that it is the best feeling ever. Like, every other feeling can suck it. This one is numero uno. Bye.
Double this feeling: Have your person give you a scalp massage, two blowjobs a day, and feed you Thai food in bed. Be too in love to go on the internet. Learn the art of compromise. Feel like your lover is a bulletproof vest over your heart. (YEAH, THIS FEELING IS THAT GAY.)
The “I think I’m falling out of love with you” Feeling
This feeling can happen anytime after the “I’m in love, bitch!” feeling. Sometimes it never happens but that’s like super rare. Only Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks have that. You could experience this feeling consistently or just for brief moments like when the person you love eats the last popsicle or poops with the door open.
Double this feeling: Cheat on them. Tell them lies. Imagine their “O” face over and over again while talking to your mother.
The “Wait, why are we friends again?” Feeling
This feeling is super sad albeit very common. It can happen anytime really. One day you can just wake up and forget the reason why you liked someone. You’ll be having lunch together and realize that the glue has come undone. They’re a stranger now.
Double this feeling: Go on a weeklong vacation with this person.
The “I think I have too many feelings” Feeling
This epiphany comes to you when you find yourself crying at commercials for cat food.
Double this feeling: Write a comprehensive list of all the feelings you experience on a semi-regular basis. Then have a lot of feelings about it.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.