The 6 Ex-Boyfriends You Will Have
1. The “Not Around the Bros” Boyfriend”
There is going to be a struggle with this Boyfriend, and it is going to be cracking the elaborate morse-code-and-tap-dance-combination that is getting to be even remotely a part of his friend life. He has his bros, you see, and as you are not in possession of a penis (the sole quality required to be a participant in the Bro Club, as far as you can tell), you are going to be ritualistically excluded from all things platonic love. You want to hang out with him in the presence of his friends occasionally? Mmmm, yeah, no… that would be weird. You attempt to hold his hand whilst gallivanting with said bros in one of the precious moments of girlfriend co-mingling? Please don’t do that, it’s embarrassing. You are essentially the romantic equivalent to his mother pinning his mittens to his coat in front of his friends in kindergarten, and this Boyfriend would prefer you didn’t humiliate him.
2. The “What Is Sex?” Boyfriend”
This Boyfriend does not believe in going down on women, because that shit is gross. He is, however, an ardent fan of all things blowjob, crude sexual jokes, and generally reminding you that he sees women more as receptacles than participatory agents when it comes to the sexual experience. Enjoy the brief bouts of unfulfilling coitus that pepper your life, occasionally bookended by some of the most forced, exasperated cuddling in the world. If he should kiss your neck, even briefly — even a peck — consider yourself blessed by some remote sexual God, as that is as close as your unsatisfied behind is ever going to get to foreplay.
3. The “Don’t Be So Crazy” Boyfriend
Why do you have to call this Boyfriend, though, don’t you know that that is impeding on his God-given right to just chill? Do you really need to text him every day? Can’t you understand that sometimes he just wants to disappear off the face of the planet for a few days while you are left to agonize over the myriad things you must have done to upset him, only to be referred to as “crazy” (or its salty cousin, “crazy bitch”) when you ask for some explanation? What this Boyfriend really needs is a human massage chair who is just there to make him feel good about himself, turn off when needed, and ready to apologize for being “crazy” if shown to have the early signs of a functioning spinal column.
4. The “Single Life” Boyfriend
I hope you enjoy getting cheated on, because this Boyfriend is here to make you lose your mind while you insist that he admits he’s been stepping out, as you have all but photographic evidence of his indiscretions. He is there to make you doubt yourself at every turn, biting your nails entirely off while he is gallivanting around, a veritable vending machine of sexts to random girls he met out at the bar. You can look forward to his oscillating, like some tarted-up fan, between bouts of betraying your confidence and telling you in all seriousness how much he loves you and would never hurt you. This, as you’ll come to find out, does not actually make your emotional wounds hurt any less. He tried, though. (No, he didn’t.)
5. The “Commitment!? OH GOD NO” Boyfriend
This Boyfriend has an biological clock, much like the oft-mocked 30-something women whose lives in media have been reduced to clawing at the walls until they have achieved pregnancy. Only his clock has been set to “Moment It Seems Like We’re Getting Really Emotionally Involved” and has only one function, which is to make him run so quickly in the other direction that his feet actually catch fire. Enjoy becoming deeply interested in him only to find out that he is merely a non-billionaire version of Mr. Big who is all of the emotional disappointment without the possibility of being given sweet shoes as a parting gift.
6. The “Heartbreaker” Boyfriend
Unlike the others, the end of this relationship will come as a profound shock. You will be cruising along in a certain kind of blissful complacency, realizing for the first time that you are actually happy and being kind of unsettled by the fact that there is nothing going wrong. He seems to have every quality you are looking for — including the ability to enter into a relationship of commitment and mutual love without metaphorically soiling himself. And then, one day, it starts to end. You can feel it slipping out of your fingers and, though you want so badly to make him love you again the way you do him, you realize that the tighter you hold, the more he tries to wiggle away. And it’s over. Like all of the others, but without a satisfying feeling of getting rid of someone who wasn’t right for you, it’s over. And then, all you have is to hope that (after a decent amount of frog-kissing), you are finally going to find the person who isn’t going to end up an ex.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.