Stuff Girls Say To Gay Guys

Jan. 9, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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According to Lessons I’ve Learned From Internet Memes, girls say a lot of funny things that are often offensive. (Um, so where are the endless “…Guys Say?” parodies? So much material, I’m sure.) Last week, we learned what not to say to black people if you happen to be a white girl. This week, we learn about the boneheaded things girls say to their gay BFF in the video, “Sh*t Girls Say To Gay Guys.”

I wish I could sit here and say that I don’t relate to 99% of this skit but alas, I would be a liar. Multiple girls have uttered phrases to me like “I know this guy — he’s gay — and I think you would like him!” and “I NEED a gay best friend!” thinking that I would honestly take them as complimentary. That’s the most puzzling aspect of it all — the type of woman who says this sincerely believes they’re a one-woman Pride parade. If you tell them that they’re being offensive, their jaw will drop and they’ll say things like, “Um, excuse me. I posed for the NOH8 campaign and all my best friends are gay. How could I be offensive to gay people?” I’ll tell you why, babe. Because you’re befriending gay people solely based on their sexuality. You fetishize them and often use the friendship to fill a void in your life. Believe it or not, I still get random girls who come up to me and are like, “Can you please be my gay husband?!” and it’s like “Um, no. I’m not doing the Madonna and Rupert Everett thing with you. Go find someone who can actually give you orgasms.”

These girls grew up watching Will & Grace and fell in love with gay men because they thought they were hot, had great style, and would tell them if their ass looked fat in a dress. That was their value. But it feels so gross when you know someone wants to be friends with you just to fill a quota. I pride myself on the fact that most of my girlfriends have very few gay friends. They aren’t fag hags. We’re friends because we like each other. Groundbreaking!

If you’re a girl who says this kind of stuff on the reg to your gay friend, I should tell you that he probably resents you. Just a smidge! I mean, he might go along with it and throw a “BETCH!” back at you, but deep down inside he might feel a little bit like a dirty prostitute. He’s playing along to the role that you and society assigned for him. I’m not suggesting that if you find yourself guilty of saying the types of comments in the video, you’re a subtly homophobic jerk. I would just advise you to think about why you’re saying it and if your gay friend really appreciates it when you call him a girl or ask to make out when you’re drunk. TC mark

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  • Diamondsinthedark

    I’m a lesbian and I’m totally guilty of the ‘ omg no srlsy touch my boobs’ thing with my gay guy friends. Oops.

  • http://twitter.com/atfreedom Andrew Freeman

    “I pride myself on the fact that most of my girlfriends have very few gay friends.”
    Ew.

    • Heatherwatson1991

      Now I feel like I have to question myself having multiple gay friends?…I don’t say any of those things and I don’t treat my gay friends like they’re some kind of prize. I’m legitimately friends with all of them, and we get along because our personalities click.  Ever think of that as being a possibility??  The video is funny, but the article is kind of ridiculous.  

  • Rishtopher

    I know a couple of girls like that, it’s pretty annoying to deal with.

  • Circles

    Brilliant casual sexism here.  Never mind the endless number of men who ask lesbians to make out with each other for them because that’s like, so hot.  

    • N.A.

      HOW IS THAT SEXIST. i am so sick of objections like this. they rest on the assumption that to describe a part of something is to conflate the part with the whole (or something, I don’t know, I’m tired).  must we feel obligated to include disclaimers like, “it’s not only women that do this! this doesn’t mean women are the inferior gender! men do this too, look!” …or can we just stop being so damn sensitive and trust that most people are smart enough to understand?

      • Circles

        Statement or question?  I couldn’t really tell.  If girls aren’t “smart enough to understand” that they’re inadvertently making homophobic remarks to gay people, how can we trust that most people are smart enough to understand that men make just as many of those remarks?  I said the article was casually sexist, not overtly sexist.  Sorry if you don’t agree, but it’s my opinion.  

      • Denden

        Cause we’ve totally heard a straight male proclaim, “Ur like my gay Boyfreind!!!1″

      • Circles

        Yeah you’re right, straight males never make homophobic comments.

      • N.A.

        riiight, but ryan was writing about gay men/straight women, & I don’t think that just because he didn’t discuss the corresponding issues w/ gay women/straight men, it means that he was somehow implying that they don’t exist

  • publicperv

    srsly though. enough with the girl hate.

  • Denden

    “Yeah, but you’re not like a regular gay guy.”
    “I know…”

    =(((

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1147860061 Brandon Buchanan

    They need to do a “Shit Straight Guys Say to Gay Guys” video…I’d pay you to star in  that Ryan.

    • Ryan O’Connelll

      wait thats a good idea

  • Anonymous

    Women apparently say a lot of unintentionally terrible things to a lot of groups of people. Damn.

    • Guestropod

      There should be one with shit dudes say to the ladies, like ‘I wasn’t talking about you, you’re not like a regular girl’ and ‘you’re totally cool, you’re like a guy’

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612170317 Christina Carroll

        I was a tomboy well into my 20s, and I got those sorts of comments a lot. I wasn’t offended by it though.

  • Guest

    Wait, this is completely unrelated to the article: but since when did Thought Catalog moderate comments before posting them?

    • Anonymous

      comments that have links in them require approval from a moderator, we started doing this a few months ago because spam bots were beginning to overtake our comments sections. 

  • Lookwatchsee13

    I fucking love this – it’s so dead on!  Makes me proud my girlfriends don’t pull this catty bullshit, and when they do, it’s cause I’m honestly asking for it…sometimes it can be fun to be a total gay stereotype…just like, once a week max…

  • Alex Porter

    There’s a big difference between the smart, independent, foxy ladies I spend my time with and the girls who collect gay men like pogs or designer purses and use them to shore up their insecurities… being used like that almost bothers me more than being called a sinner and having my tires slashed…

  • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

    Dude, I get pissed off when girls say most of that shit, too, but there’s one phrase that I don’t understand as offensive. And I mean that in a “my ability to understand is limited because i am not a gay” way, not in an angry, “JUSTIFY YOURSELF, DAMMIT” way. So can Ryan/anyone else who is offended explain:“I know this guy — he’s gay — and I think you would like him!”
    ——>why is this offensive? is it the clarification that he’s gay? i don’t get this one because it’s something that any friend would say to another friend. i’ve met guys that i think a particular lady friend might like and i’m all, “omg i know this guy you’d love, let’s throw a party/get drinks/whatever together so you two can meet.” or the other way, introducing a guy friend to a gal i think he’d like. so if that isn’t offensive in a straight female/female or straight male/female friendships, why is it offensive in a straight female/gay male friendship? (okay, thinking about it now, i spent all of june with a lady friend and her gay friend, and she would tell him about every gay guy she met. so in that situation i guess it would be annoying if a girl told you you’d like every gay guy (like just because you’re gay your attracted to every male ever), but otherwise i don’t get it). 

    in the video i COMPLETELY get why that’s a douche thing to say, because the ‘girl’ has the if-he’s-gay-he-automatically-will-like-this-other-gay-guy-i-know mentality. but is it still offensive/rude otherwise?

    lol hope i’m not being offensive :(

    • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

      Think about it this way – In the sentence “I know this guy — he’s gay — and I think you would like him!”, replace the word “gay” with “black”.

      Does that sound right to you?

      • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

        haha no, doesn’t sound right. so the clarification that he’s gay is what’s offensive in that statement?

      • a queer

        i think its more that any gay person would like another gay person. the phrase is so short and the person saying it implies that the person they are talking to would like the person they are talking about, because they are solely gay. they are not taking into consideration other factors like personality. they are assuming that two gay people will hit it off just because they are gay 

      • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

        i dig i dig

      • guest

        I understand that. But, I think it makes sense to clarify if you were to meet someone who you would like to introduce to a friend with the intent of romance that they are gay. I mean if you are introducing people to each other soley because they are gay, that’s dumb. But if you are a thoughtful friend who understands the type of person your friend would like and said, “hey I met this guy, you should meet him, he/she is gay.”

        And maybe I’m off base, but what if you have a friend who exclusively dates black men or Latino men or  white women or Japanese men and you say their race to the person. It may be a shallow reason to date someone but we all know this happens, and I don’t know whether or not it is inherently racist.

    • April

      It’s like, do straight girls like every single straight guy? “I know this guy, he’s heterosexual too, like you are, so you’ll DEFINITELY hit it off!” 

      • Anon

        Well, when you consider everything she said, you can look at it as “i know this guy” “-hes gay” (clarification so you don’t need to ask) “and I think you would like him!” (the friend thinks you would Like this person). It’s not saying that you’ll like that person Because they’re gay too or anything like that. I think it could be said like that, it’s just greatly misinterpreted. But, then again, I’m not gay. I see what you’re saying, I just tried looking at it from another angle if you will.

    • “queer studies major”

      I think it’s perfectly reasonable to think one gay person may possibly like another gay person partly because that other person is gay. I think gay people have things in common, share a common history, often common politics, etc.
      “Things are different these days,” but there was a time when gay people could only “be [openly] gay” around their gay friends. I certainly find that if I am the only queer person in a room, I feel uncomfortable. There is a long, long history of gay oppression that has not entirely ended–not by a long shot.

      That being said, it may come off as short and assumptive when a straight person assumes all gay people must get along, and perhaps reduces their more complex humanity to one model of gayness.

  • Talexander11

    after watching this video, i feel EXACTLY as you do. my friends are friends with me because we like each other, because i’m a person who isn’t defined by my sexuality or what society wants me to be.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    “What movie do you want to watch tonight?  How about Brokeback Mountain?” 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1552230509 Blake Austin

    I don’t do anything to stop the stereotyping… *sigh*

    • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

      Don’t worry.  You’re cute enough where you can get away with it.  I think that’s how it works. 

      • um, no

        it doesn’t though

  • Jordan

    i couldn’t watch this without cringing.

  • Needtoknow

    You left out the most important part of the story- what kind of shoes was he in? 

  • Guest

    so like you aren’t down for some mani-pedis L8ahz?

  • mm

    Now you know how black people feel.
    “I can’t be racist, my best friend is black!”

    • Guest

      ..wtf. shut up. i’m so sick of people calling people racist for saying something SLIGHTLY controversial to someone of a different race.  a white person having a black best friend pretty much shows that the white person is comfortable with black people. they’re obviously not racist, so just shut up. if you want to see real racism, look up “white supremacy” on the internet, moron.

      • anti-guest

        yeah, we can’t call it racism until we  perform ethnic cleansing and send people to concentration camps. anything less than that is hardly racist. ya, moron.
        (by the way, the comment by ‘guest’ is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever read)

  • guest

    I’ve decided I don’t like these videos. They are completely self righteous. At some point we should realize no one person is completely politically correct and everyone is going to say something offensive. These videos, in some ways, paint women (especially white women) as a bunch of digbat, shallow, ignorant bitches. No one is complaining about that. Right?

    We should strive to be thoughtful, respectful citizens. However, people are different, we come from different backgrounds, upbringing, and ways of thought. To passively aggressively put down other people (which is how I see these videos) rather than to start a thoughtful conversation doesn’t make sense to me. Stop being so self righteous and realize that all of us have and will offend someone, and the best we can do is try and be a good person and laugh as much as we can. “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” from Avenue Q comes to mind…

  • NoGayFriendsGuy

     A gay guy removed me off my facebook, my gay fanbase is now ZERO

  • Lady

    I don’t think I’ve ever said any of this stuff to gay men.  But gay men HAVE said this stuff to me.  ”We’re totally gonna get drunk and make out later.”  ”You’re a girl, you’re supposed to know these things.” Singing pop songs expecting me to join in, etc.  And also…my girlfriends have said this stuff to me.  

    I get the bothersome thing of being treated like a novelty item.  That sucks.  But actually…I just hate that all of these videos have turned into just general complaints about things girls say.  I feel like the original was not meant to chastize women…it was simply observational.  Or at least that’s how I took it.  In fact, when I saw it, I immediately thought “Aw. I enjoy being a girl.”  I feel like these videos miss the point of the original…and I agree with the last commenter that it’s really passive aggressive.

    Treating someone like a novelty item is wrong.  True enough.  But I don’t suppose we’ll ever see a video talking about, I don’t know, awesome things that girls say.  Because it’s not funny.  Just so long as we’re teaching each other to look at people as fully formed human beings and not stereotypes, right?

  • Alice

    Women fetishise gay men, in part, because there is no danger of having your friendship misunderstood as sexual interest. Try asking a straight male friend if one boob is bigger than the other and he will usually assume you’re extending an invitation for sex. Then you have to deal with navigating an awkward misunderstanding and a possible backlash of being labelled a “cocktease”, “bitch” or any other unpleasant epithet. A gay man effectively provides access to the male mind, opinions and perspective without having to tiptoe around the issue of sexual attraction. Not that any of this makes the fetishising okay, but it’s part of why gay men are such “desirable” straight-girl friends.

    • Bimale99

      this does not make any sense on the one hand you say a straight male would misconstrue the question re your breasts as an invite to sex but a gay male would take it at complete face value – if this is true then the mind of the straight male and the gay male clearly differ significantly; so you do not have access to the male mind you have access to the gay male mind which gives you almost zero insight tot he straight male mind. 

  • Cameron710

    I never thought of it that way. But it makes sense. A lot of people only try to befriend me to sleep with me and its pretty painful to know thats all the value they see you as. As a result I barely have any friends. 

  • Phoenix

    If you’re a gay guy who deals with this from a girl, then you have three options:
    1. If you feel offended, you can always walk away and break off the friendship
    2. If you feel offended, but want to keep the friendship, just tell her. If she takes it seriously, then things should work out.
    3. Be confident and not give a sh*t about it. Why so serious?

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