Straight Sex, As Imagined By A Gay Guy

May. 4, 2012

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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Look, I’ll be real with you: I have no idea what straight sex is like. The closest I’ve ever gotten to a vagina is my mom’s and that was 25 years ago. I imagine it to be a lot of unflattering facial expressions though. I mean, am I wrong? Tell me! I need to know, dammit! Watch the video below for my unique take on “P in the V” sex. Special thanks to my cup of garlic aioli, Gaby Dunn, for lending her expertise and the band Widowspeak for the straight sex music. TC mark

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  • MARYJANEHOMO

    So high and lol-ing at Ryan simply saying the word ‘vagina.’

  • Anonymous

    So many great moments in this – love you Ryan forever!

  • Danaynay

    Yep, that’s pretty much straight sex. A lot of poking and pretending. 

    • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

      I would imagine there’s just as much poking in gay sex? Maybe? Just, you know, the mechanics of it? I dunno.

      • Brandon h

        Interesting enough, there is little to no poking in gay sex. Unless thats your fetish.

        It’s mostly a lot of “Slow down” “More Lube” and the occasional “Not Tonight, I had Indian food today”.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    I love seeing Gaby cracking up in the glass reflection.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    I love seeing Gaby cracking up in the glass reflection.

  • http://twitter.com/Commander_Co0l Tony F.

    oh u XD

  • http://twitter.com/Commander_Co0l Tony F.

    oh u XD

  • http://ruthtam.com Ruth Tam

    Vaginas also go on Pinterest and pin things!

    Favorite Hot or Not moment. Bring it back, please!

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar ..

    ” it talks right? vaginas can talk right? I mean and they say like really sensitive things”  lol <3 

  • Brandon h

    Can’t wait for the “Gay sex as imagined by a gay guy”

  • Anonymous

    If you have trouble with vaginae, know this: there’s a pee-hole and a vee-hole. The penis goes in the vee-hole. Rub the area right about the pee-hole, and you’ll make your girl show her oh-face. Wait, I think I just confused myself.

    • Guestropod

      you mean the peen doesn’t go in the pee hole 

      man I have really been fucking up

    • Brandon h

      And here I thought you just slapped her taint with your left nut. 

      Straight sex, I will never understand it.

  • Dang

    I lol’d, this was even better than I thought it’d be. (That’s what she said?)

  • Hry

    Nah you pretty much nailed it.

  • http://raymondthimmes.com/ Raymond Thimmes

     Stop watching me in the bedroom.

  • Ernst

    this is a bit misogynistic, the vagina exists on it’s own and does not necessarily need a penis to poke it.

    • Anonymous

      I love this comment.

    • Brandon h

      Doesn’t that kinda go without saying? Cut Ryan some slack, he has some understandable penile bias. 

  • Anonymous

    I laughed so so so hard at this! “Lets go get some snacks”..mmm post coital snacks :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ciara-Garner/100000581140018 Ciara Garner

    Love! I only wish Ryan would do all his articles in video form! I love hearing it from him, even funnier! 

  • Tara33s

    You were in a woman’s uterus for nine months and came out of her vagina unless she had a caesarean section, where the surgeon cut an incision in the uterus and pulled you out. Just because you do not have sex with a woman, does not mean you have to be clueless or disrespectful a women’s body.   
    As for sex between straight people (versus the condescending term “straight sex”),  it varies depending on the people involved.  Since the sex you are describing is actually between heterosexual people, then sexual expression would take place similar to sex between two men and sex between two women depending on the preferences of the couple, which goes beyond “fingering.”
    I would also assume that sex between gay people can also range from horrible to great, but you would probably find it offensive if a “straight” person posted a video “imagining” the horrors of sex between two men.
    Since you seem seem like a “white” dude – why not poke fun at “non-white” people and what you think they say and do?

    • Anonymous

      we just went from vagina to racism.

      • Tara33s

         No we went from sexism to racism.  One represents male supremacy and the other white supremacy.  If you cannot see the correlation, then don’t protest the discrimination.

      • ben

        You’re the worst, Britta.

    • Brandon h

      OMG he stereotyped and made fun of the majority! How dare he! So Sad!

      Enjoy your righteous indignation.

      • Tara33

        Did not know that women were the majority, but perhaps we may be at 51% of the world population.   He is talking about heterosexuals, but is constantly commenting on the vagina.
        If you don’t believe in bigotry, then you shouldn’t promote it.

      • Brandon h

        Somebody’s on a self-righteous crusade! Let me know how it works out.

    • Anonymous

      Obviously you have a right to be offended, but as the editor of the
      video and a STAUNCH feminist, I always took the joke to be that Ryan is
      the “fool” or Jester here, not the women. His lack of knowledge means
      we’re laughing AT him. (Even the fact that he calls a uterus a “vagina”
      for example, is clearly wrong.) The joke was always, “Ryan doesn’t know
      what really happens.” and not “Women don’t know how to have sex.”

      • Cosmicircle

         No matter how many times you write this disclaimer / justification, it seems you may have got this one wrong. Better luck next time. I’d suggest better casting. Gay people are marginalized enough without making a Gay man seem additionally offensive.

  • guest

    …

  • Sarah

    This is awesome. You’re awesome.

  • Mulligans

    I  had sex with a gay dude once (it was on new year’s eve coming into this year WEIRD START, AY) and it ruled. i mean obvs he’s like bi or something but he currently is living with his boyfriend and identifies as gay. that shit cray

    • April

      I love having sex with gay men. It’s almost always better. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/brendan.s.walters Brendan Walters

    WAIT are you saying that there are NO unflattering facial expressions in gay sex?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Shannon-Langford/715206786 Shannon Langford

    OMG!!! I love Ryan!!!!! I wish all my gay friends were that funny!!!! I wish he would replace my go to gay. Love him!

    • Anonymous

      ……. go-to-gay? really? way to marginalize your friends. 

      • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

        I normally advocate not taking comments and articles too seriously, but “replacing” a “go-to gay” is probably – nay, definitely the most grating thing I have read around here lately.

  • Rando

    This was obviously created with the sole intention of amusing its viewers, but hurtful material is, unfortunately, often produced from this intention. 
    I think we can all agree that: A. Ryan is teasing/mocking “straight sex” by suggesting that the female-bodied participant will likely not enjoy sex, not be aware of her own sensations/orgasm, and want it to be over with so she can get some snacks. B. Ryan is simultaneously parodying an assumed ignorance of the vagina due to his professed homosexuality and the purpose of a vagina. 

    A is more offensive to me, as a woman who participates in “straight sex,” because I count on intelligent writers with liberal sensibilities to abstain from using outdated misinformation that has yet to be fully overcome for their jokes. In fact, I count on intelligent writers of any political persuasion to come up with original material and find other ridiculous and hilarious aspects of “straight sex” beyond the idea that it humiliates women due to their inability to enjoy it (or the idea that the main goal is the male-bodied orgasm, or the idea that the act itself centers on penetration)

    Maybe Ryan is intending to expose how ridiculous and harmful these notions are by declaring them in a giggly manner. My comment is this: that intention is not clear, that intention is not his to claim, Ryan should really read Hilton Als’ “The Women” if he wishes to appropriate the female narrative by permission of his queerness, and what he said himself: “I’m so tired of the stereotypes.”

    • Anonymous

       Obviously you have a right to be offended, but as the editor of the
      video and a STAUNCH feminist, I always took the joke to be that Ryan is
      the “fool” or Jester here, not the women. His lack of knowledge means
      we’re laughing AT him. (Even the fact that he calls a uterus a “vagina”
      for example, is clearly wrong.) The joke was always, “Ryan doesn’t know
      what really happens.” and not “Women don’t know how to have sex.” If that intention was not clear, I’m sorry but Ryan was meant to be the butt of the joke here.

      • Rando

        Fair point that Ryan plays the “fool.” I would truly like to see a video where he commits to parodying the ignorant perspective he describes, rather than just describing it. In my humble experience watching this, it appears that Ryan is trying a lot harder to be cute, carefree, even proud of his misinterpretation, than ‘foolish’ or laughably dumb. There is also no indication that this is a character (unless “a gay man” is meant to say “this is not ryan, this is a character he is playing”) Also, the written description says “Am I wrong? Tell me!” So, my previous comment was…telling him. 

        I wouldn’t want this video to be taken down or anything, but as a consumer of this material (and probably somewhat within your target audience) I want to see Thought Catalog contributors be more original in their humor- you have the opportunity to not just play into preexisting and hurtful stereotypes but really get weird with your parodies and challenge preconceptions in new ways.
        This video reads as an inside joke that does not translate seamlessly to the internet at large.

      • kgb

        Can’t you come up with a better reply? 

         ”as the editor of the video and a member of the LGBT on the bisexual side (so have had both gay and straight sex), I always took the joke to be that Ryan is the “fool” or Jester here.  ”

        What does you being the editor of a crappy video and your sexual history have to do with your interpretation of the ‘joke’?   Not getting why you feel the need to include that, because it doesn’t make the video any better.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not offended by this video, but I think the point people are trying to make is that if a straight man was to make a video like this, even jokingly about gay sex, he would be berated by the masses and by you especially.  I imagine you would even go as far as to write an article slamming said person for being irresponsible and causing irreparable damage and abuse to the gay community.  I’ve always liked your writing and your ideals, but your response and involvement in this makes me question your motives. 

  • Nick

    This was too derogatory to be funny at all, and ended up being mostly insulting. I can’t imagine the heat I’d take if I described gay sex in a similar fashion.

    • Anonymous

      Obviously you have a right to be offended, but as the editor of the
      video and a member of the LGBT on the bisexual side (so have had both gay and straight sex), I always took the joke to be that Ryan is
      the “fool” or Jester here. His lack of knowledge means
      we’re laughing AT him. (Even the fact that he calls a uterus a “vagina”
      for example, is clearly wrong.) The joke was always, “Ryan doesn’t know
      what really happens.” and not “Straight people don’t know how to have sex.”

    • riles

      If a straight person described gay sex on a popular literary website like Though Catalog, it would be up on Gawker in four seconds flat with the title, “Look at this Homophobic Asshole” regardless if the author/actor of said video was meant to be the “butt of the joke.” 

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