50 Special Skills And Talents Omitted From My Resumé
- Hardly sounds like he’s from Boston at all.
- Willing to be big spoon or little spoon.
- Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.
- Used to be able to do “the worm” kind of.
- Very reliable for giving rides to/ from the airport.
- Knows every word to Jay-Z’s “I Just Wanna Love You.”
- Can consistently make babies laugh.
- Demonstrates inordinate politeness in nearly every situation.
- Sleeps well on airplanes.
- Will split a pizza with almost any topping.
- Does reasonably accurate impressions of rappers Slick Rick, The Notorious B.I.G., and DMX.
- Not afraid of bugs.
- Is fine with movies with subtitles.
- Expertly quotes and recognizes dialogue from early seasons of The Simpsons.
- Can be around boobs without staring creepily at them.
- Proficient in air guitar, air bass, and air drums.
- Able to lift slightly more than you’d think.
- Gives sincere apologies.
- Owns a Nintendo Power Glove.
- Not too shabby at spelling.
- Will not make a scene when your grandmother says something mildly anti-Semitic.
- Gives thoughtful and creative birthday presents.
- Adept at talking self and others out of fights.
- Takes the morning shift driving on road trips.
- Admits he is wrong, sometimes when he is not even wrong.
- Is not racist.
- Talks about sports with enthusiasm and accuracy.
- Sits back seat middle if necessary.
- Participates in karaoke but does not force others to go out to karaoke.
- Dances when he has to.
- Does not freak out if you haven’t seen his favorite movie (The Big Lebowski).
- Will loan you books without freaking out if you have them for a while.
- Can read (but cannot understand) Hebrew.
- Is totally laid back if you spell his name wrong.
- Gives compliments when compliments are due.
- Able to stop chewing ice or whistling on request.
- Just picks the tomatoes off of a sandwich instead of requesting a whole new sandwich.
- Drives at a safe rate of speed in snow or rain.
- Knows who Michel Foucault is.
- Doesn’t get weirded out by the word “moist.”
- Comfortable in the outdoors for up to eight hours.
- Can prove he is a real man by drinking whiskey.
- Gives hugs with appropriate pressure and for the right length of time.
- Showers regularly.
- Is comfortable with jokes about his receding hairline.
- Will pet your cat even though he does not like your cat.
- Exhibits eagerness to visit any non-Holocaust museum.
- Burps minimally.
- Listens attentively to boring stories.
- Always up for dessert.
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The apartment you lived in your first year out of school, the walk-up with a view of the street.
I wanted to quit my job. I hated my boss.
His eyes widened, he became angry, and backed off of me. I told him he could leave now. Now. He said “With you being a good Christian girl, and me studying to be a priest, I think it’s important we not tell anyone what we did.”
In a fallen world, hope, like faith, is often the hardest thing to hold onto especially when you need it the most.