50 Special Skills And Talents Omitted From My Resumé

Mar. 26, 2012

By Josh Gondelman info

Josh Gondelman is a writer and comedian who incubated in Boston before moving to New York City. His writing has been ...

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  1. Hardly sounds like he’s from Boston at all.
  2. Willing to be big spoon or little spoon.
  3. Has a terrific family recipe for brownies.
  4. Used to be able to do “the worm” kind of.
  5. Very reliable for giving rides to/ from the airport.
  6. Knows every word to Jay-Z’s “I Just Wanna Love You.”
  7. Can consistently make babies laugh.
  8. Demonstrates inordinate politeness in nearly every situation.
  9. Sleeps well on airplanes.
  10. Will split a pizza with almost any topping.
  11. Does reasonably accurate impressions of rappers Slick Rick, The Notorious B.I.G., and DMX.
  12. Not afraid of bugs.
  13. Is fine with movies with subtitles.
  14. Expertly quotes and recognizes dialogue from early seasons of The Simpsons.
  15. Can be around boobs without staring creepily at them.
  16. Proficient in air guitar, air bass, and air drums.
  17. Able to lift slightly more than you’d think.
  18. Gives sincere apologies.
  19. Owns a Nintendo Power Glove.
  20. Not too shabby at spelling.
  21. Will not make a scene when your grandmother says something mildly anti-Semitic.
  22. Gives thoughtful and creative birthday presents.
  23. Adept at talking self and others out of fights.
  24. Takes the morning shift driving on road trips.
  25. Admits he is wrong, sometimes when he is not even wrong.
  26. Is not racist.
  27. Talks about sports with enthusiasm and accuracy.
  28. Sits back seat middle if necessary.
  29. Participates in karaoke but does not force others to go out to karaoke.
  30. Dances when he has to.
  31. Does not freak out if you haven’t seen his favorite movie (The Big Lebowski).
  32. Will loan you books without freaking out if you have them for a while.
  33. Can read (but cannot understand) Hebrew.
  34. Is totally laid back if you spell his name wrong.
  35. Gives compliments when compliments are due.
  36. Able to stop chewing ice or whistling on request.
  37. Just picks the tomatoes off of a sandwich instead of requesting a whole new sandwich.
  38. Drives at a safe rate of speed in snow or rain.
  39. Knows who Michel Foucault is.
  40. Doesn’t get weirded out by the word “moist.”
  41. Comfortable in the outdoors for up to eight hours.
  42. Can prove he is a real man by drinking whiskey.
  43. Gives hugs with appropriate pressure and for the right length of time.
  44. Showers regularly.
  45. Is comfortable with jokes about his receding hairline.
  46. Will pet your cat even though he does not like your cat.
  47. Exhibits eagerness to visit any non-Holocaust museum.
  48. Burps minimally.
  49. Listens attentively to boring stories.
  50. Always up for dessert. TC mark

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image – Natalie Maynor

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  • bee

    “48. Burps minimally.”

    restraint? not in my new innovative start up

  • Anonymous

    Do you want to marry me?

  • MP9090909

    “50 Special Skills and Talents of a Nice Jewish Boy”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=13003781 Jacqueline Rae Shuman

    I’d hit it.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    You own a Power Glove? That’s awesome! It’s so bad.

  • Ashley

    Clearly, you’re a better person than I am; I immediately lose respect for anyone who hasn’t seen The Big Lebowski.

  • Lindsay

    Gondelman, this resume puts you in the fast track for position of “boy I like to daydream about”

  • Anonymous

    well buddy you need to add a page to your resumé because I would hire you right this second 

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar Sahar Soos

    5, 10, 17,18,23,25,28, 35,43,49  this was sweet to even have thought of

    33 (mom is like that too, I wish I had a weird language I can read!)

  • Aglorios

    I feel like this is really your girlfriend resume.

  • Anonymous

    So what you’re saying is… you’re Jewish. 

  • Anonymous

    Worded the right way, any one of these could be put on an actual resume as a skill/talent

  • Oliver Miller

    Nice.

  • Kelly

    Where are you in my life?

  • Michi

    I’d hire you for all of those reasons. In fact, I’d hire you just for number 7. It’s pretty impressive being able to consistently make babies laugh.

  • EB

    Well, you got my attention.. 

  • http://twitter.com/skathica Tam

    Sounds like a pretty good OKC resume to me….

  • DC Chica

    So very enjoyable! I’m now formulating a mental list of my under appreciated skills.

  • http://twitter.com/laurajaynemart laura jayne martin

    Ha-ha!

  • samanthaphoebe

    Your title is wrong. Please rephrase to “Sam’s Requirements for Future Husband.” Thanks.

  • Casey

    You’re hired. 

  • Anonymous

    We are the same person.

  • Tara

    Why aren’t we dating? 

  • Kate Meskey

    I think you mean “included on” and not “omitted from” because any sane person would realize that these should all be on there! :)

    This is adorable.

  • http://ladymercury-10.livejournal.com/ Maiasaura

    This list is so endearing.

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