Some Suggestions For New “FHM Top 100″ Lists

All the internet, and society at large, is abuzz over the newest Sexiest Woman Alive, Tulisa Contostavlos. Sure, you’ve never heard of her, but she represents everything that a woman should be looking up to, both in terms of personal achievement and intellectual prowess. Her career as a… famous person… is one that is deserving of not only the highest praise, but the top spot of female beauty, power, and worth. Now she is off to accept her grand prizes — standing doe-eyed in front of Terry Richardson’s unbelievably creepy camera lens and, one would imagine, a trip to Bermuda or something. Either way, she’s got some serious celebrating in front of her. She is the winner of a contest that consistently reminds us, “Hey, ladies, why don’t you not so much with the talking and maybe shake your ass a little more?” FHM is essentially the equivalent of a bus full of school boys driving by a pretty girl and all simultaneously licking the windows, but that’s why we love them. However, it’s not fair that women should get all the absurdly objectifying glory — men should have equivalent lists that celebrate who they are as people, and, more importantly, who they are as nameless sacks of meat. Here, some ideas, should their creative department be stuck looking at a breast-shaped potato chip or something:

• Top 100 Average-Looking Guys Who Make Up For It By Owning A Porsche
• Top 100 Guys Who Got Awesome Middle Management Jobs In Their Dad’s Above-Ground Pool Company, Ladies
• 100 Most Circumcised Penises
• 100 Most Latently Homosexual Fantasy Football Parties
• Top 100 Most Unfortunate Opening Lines That You Can Tell He Read In A Magazine Like FHM
• Top 100 Guys Who Still Wear Ed Hardy Like It’s Somehow Not The Abomination It Is
• 100 Saddest Pancake Asses
• Top 100 Crushed Dreams Of High-School Football Greatness
• 100 Most Bearable Cargo Shorts
• Top 100 Guys Who Wish They Could Admit, Occasionally, That Michael Fassbender Is Actually Pretty Good-Looking
• Top 100 Former College Bros Who Are Now 28 And Still Constantly Reminisce About Rushing Their Frat
• 100 Most Skinny Guys With Tiny Beer Bellies
• 100 Most Persistent Neckbeards
• Top 100 Guys Who Insist On Magnums And You’re Just Like LOL Ok, Whatever You Say, Bro
• Top 100 Premature Ejaculators
• 100 Most Insecure Straight Guys Who Can’t Shake Another Man’s Hand Without A “No Homo”
• 100 Sexiest Men Alive Who Perpetually Friendzone Themselves And Then Whine Endlessly About It On Reddit

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