Some Of The Lesser-Known Conspiracy Theories
By Greg Levin
9/11 was an inside job. Princess Diana was murdered by the Royal Family. A UFO crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. The Apollo moon landing was a hoax.
Global warming is a fraud.
As conspiracy theories go, these are among the biggies — the ones that even people outside of conspiracy theory circles are familiar with. They are the theories you must fully understand and accept if you ever hope to fit in at any of the big conspiracy conferences, or at a party at Alex Jones’ house.
Conspiracy theories have been around since the inception of mass gullibility, which archeologists and anthropologists believe occurred between three and four hours after Homo sapiens developed the ability to wildly theorize. The first conspiracy theory ever recorded was discovered in a cave in Lascaux, France in 1924. While experts disagree somewhat on the fine details of the cave drawing in question, the general consensus is that the drawing claims the dinosaurs were robots sent from the future.
Some believe that conspiracy theories don’t actually even exist, but rather are a ploy by the U.S Government to distract you while it kidnaps babies for food and fuel. I’m not here to try to convince you either way. I just feel it’s unfortunate that the same five or ten conspiracy theories keep getting all the attention when there are so many others of equal intrigue that receive so little Internet coverage.
Thus, I present to you some of the lesser-known — though no less fascinating or fathomable — conspiracy theories:
Columbus had a secret fourth ship — The Ay Papi. Everybody knows about how, in 1492, Columbus set sail for what turned out to be the Americas with his three now legendary ships: The Niña, The Pinta, and the Santa Maria. What has been kept out of the history books, however, is that a less illustrious fourth ship — The Ay Papi — was very much involved in the famed voyage.
Where the first three ships carried an all-male crew of adventurous sailors, The Ay Papi carried 50 of Spain’s highest-priced prostitutes, each appointed by King Ferdinand to keep the men from raping one another and disrupting the discovery of the New World. Unfortunately, most of the sailors contracted syphilis and subsequently went mad, including Captain Columbus himself, which explains why he insisted he had landed in Asia when he had in fact “discovered” The Bahamas.
The last 11 Super Bowls never happened. Soon after the 9/11 tragedy, the U.S. received a serious and confirmed terror threat warning of a bombing at an upcoming Super Bowl, but not specifying which one. Rather than the U.S. cancelling all subsequent Super Bowl events entirely, which would have greatly upset corporate sponsors and led to mass suicides among heterosexual males in the Midwest and South, the game has been secretly replaced by Madden NFL video game graphics every year since 2002. Thanks to the incredibly life-like gaming technology developed by EA Sports, TV viewers the world over never question the authenticity of what they’re watching, allowing all Super Bowl ads to be broadcast without a hitch during breaks while ensuring the safety of players, coaches and cheerleaders. Fans who try to order tickets to the actual Super Bowl are paid $5,000 each and given a lifetime supply of kielbasa to pretend they attended the game and to keep their mouths shut about the truth.
As for the ever-popular halftime show, it is filmed in a secret location weeks before the game is “played”, with performers encouraged to do stupid sh-t like flick viewers the bird or flash a nipple to make the “live” aspect of the show more convincing.
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Your Cat Licking Your Face Immediately After It Eats Gross Food
If you look at the world as a reflection of your state of affairs, you will experience moments like these.
6. No, I TOTALLY wasn’t planning on eating that. I just brought it home for fun! I’m glad you enjoyed the rest of my celebratory steak dinner, though.
The best thing about being a young adult right now is that you, more than any previous generation, have the freedom and the resources to create your own religion. So, let’s get started.
By John Howell