So, Are We All Gonna Have Sex With Each Other Now Or What?
Sorry to interrupt everyone! Sorry! I just have a few words and then we can get right back into this amazing dinner party. The tiramisu is really excellent, isn?t it? Thank you so much to Robin, our lovely hostess. She?s doing a great job!
Well, first I?d like to say that I?m so glad we?ve all gathered here to hang out in a big group just like we did in the good old days. With our busy lives and packed schedules it?s so unfortunately rare that we?re all together like this anymore. This is truly a special night.
Brad, thank you for taking time off from your budding blogging career! Gotta get outdoors sometime, dude! And Jo, we?re so happy to see your band finally getting off the ground. Everyone?s gonna go see them at Piano?s next month, right? And of course, Mindy?s been clean and sober for 10 whole months and she started teaching hot yoga! Yeah, round of applause for yoga!
You guys, I feel so very blessed to have such true and loyal friends like the ones sitting around this table with me right now. You?re all very dear to me and I value all of our individual relationships that have grown and flourished over the years. We?ve fluctuated — friendships have ebbed and flowed like a beautiful river — but we?ve held strong…like a dam, I guess. Anyway, you guys are the best.
Now, on to the real point of this toast, which is to bring up something I think we?ve all been feeling for a while now. There comes a time, within any group of close friends who spend a whole lot of time together, when we must ask ourselves: what is the next step?
What can truly be the best way to show our cemented affection and admiration for each other?s personalities, work, families, interests, passions and lives? How can we go from close friends to something more tangible, more elegant, more ephemeral?
I guess, dear friends, what I?m trying to say is: when are we gonna kick this group hangout up a notch into a full-blown orgy?
Oh, come on. I can?t be the only person thinking it. We?re all young, relatively attractive people. We?ve been friends for some time. We?ve gotten to know each other?s quirks and idiosyncrasies. We get each other.
At one point or another, almost everyone in this group has been attracted to (or hooking up with) someone else in the group. There are unresolved flirtations and unrequited feelings and long-held sexual and romantic attractions between almost everyone seated at this table.
Don?t look at me like you don?t know what I?m talking about. Put down your dessert fork, Malcolm. I?m not finished.
If you?re all so worried about STDs, you hardly act like it. I mean, we?ve all basically already slept together anyway. Don?t pretend like you all suddenly have Victorian sensibilities, you flimsy Elizabeth Bennets.
No? I?m wrong?
Okay. You two, Mike and Serena, you dated for a year until he broke up with you for Trisha, another friend in this very group.
What about the time you two, George and Calista, made out freshman year under the gazebo?
How about your predictable drunken sapphic tendencies, ladies? Hm?
Or that threesome you — the golden MMF trio in the corner — had that you think no one knows about? Whatever, Angie. I will not shut up. We ALL know about the threesome!
Look. I just think if we?re committing to being incestuous weirdos in this friend group, we might as well really commit.
None of this half-assed childish BS. Let?s put our full asses out there like grown adults and take care of any future pairings this group might produce right now. Tonight.
Do you think Ross and Rachel would have happened on Friends if they?d all just gotten down to biz-nass in a big heap on day one? No way! Because that weird tension would have evaporated and everyone could just go on being friends without this “will-they- won?t-they” nonsense. And Joey and Rachel definitely would have been avoided. For sure.
Was all that yoga for nothing, Mindy?
Really? You?d feel awkward? Is it awkward that we all still somehow hang out? How could a group of people who all love each other and know each other — been through the kind of things we?ve all been through — how could we not want to express those feelings to the fullest extent? It just makes sense.
Besides, we?ve run out of individual pairings. It?s time to bring it all home to where it should have started. With all of us. Together.
Fine. I?ll sit down. But know that you dopes are just denying the inevitable at this point. One way or another, we?re aaalllll gonna bone. It?s just a matter of if it?s together in a glorious rainbow of perspiration and diaphragms or in these pithy, boring twosomes.
Okay, okay. I?m done. Pass the tiramisu or whatever. It was just a thought.
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.