People/ Entities I Would Like To See Host Christmas Specials
Michael Gary Scott
“Christmastime, is a holiday that was started by a very small Spanish-speaking man named Chris who just wanted ‘té mas’ or as we say in English, ‘more tea.’ Chris found a magical tree — haha! Okay, okay, just kidding around. I had you, though, like on that show ‘Pranked’! But seriously, Christmas is that very special and solemn time of year when Santa brings us presents to honor his son, Jesus. It’s sort of like a snowy Halloween.”
“You know what I got for Christmas? Santa came early; I got the limitless and perpetual need of other people, which is my constant anchor and yet, somehow my only comfort. What do you want for Christmas? Everything, I assume.”
The Loudest Person at the Bar
“Fa La La La Laaaaaadies! Whoo! Welcome to my Christmas special! I love you guys. It’s like, sorry, sorry. Whoa. Wait. Guys, it’s Christmas you know? Like, Father Nicholas just touched down. He is so lonely out in space, with those stupid deer. But he’s here now! He’s here. You guys, can we, can we just — hold on, I gotta sit down. Ugh, move this coat. Who’s fucking coat is this? Anyway, this is a holy time. Holy, you guys.”
[A trucker hat that says “Merry XXXMAS.”]
The New York Times presents An Annual Commemoration of the Birth of Jesus Christ as well as a Widely-Observed Holiday, Which is Typically Celebrated on December 25 by Millions of People Around the Globe
“It is Christmas.”
“And I couldn’t help but wonder: Is Nick just some guy who drops into our lives whenever he wants, toting along a ton of baggage only to vanish after he eats all of our cookies? If this is what happens when the Saints come marching into my (beautifully-furnished, enormous, Manhattan brownstone on a writer’s salary) bedroom, then it sounds like Saint Nick might be no Saint at all. But, in the end, maybe his presents are better than his presence?”
“Thank you so much for, um, coming tonight, it was nice of you to take a break from not watching my movies. Well, I don’t know very much about, um, you know. I think there was an angel? I can tell you if anybody climbed down my chimney in the middle of the night wearing jackboots and carrying a sack of untold items, I’d have the good sense to be absolutely petrified. Besides, if I wanted to be attacked by a potentially-deranged elderly Christian who’s spent the last year judging me — I’d read my reviews.”
Vice President Joe Biden
“Hey kids, I hope you’re all ready for a little thing I like to call Christmas, because this is a big fucking deal.”
“What can I help you with? Would you like me to research the web for ‘crisp piss’? I don’t know what you mean by ‘wrist mix’? Would you like me to call ‘Chris Smith’? Sorry, I didn’t get that.”
“Does it matter that I have more of a goatee than a beard? Sorry, this Santa costume is a little loose. The camera’s what? Oh shit. I mean ‘Hey kids it’s me, I’m Santa!’ Ah, fuck it. No, I’m sorry; don’t cry. You were going to find out sooner or later, so let this shitty disappointment latch onto all of the other grim realities of life and fuel the genius depressive inside of you. Then maybe buy a couple of black Hanes t-shirts. I don’t know, it’s worked out pretty well for me.”
“Hey, no wait, don’t change the channel. Please let me explain. Just because I’m a pumpkin doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate together. I love Christmas. I just happen to have suffered the unjust fate of being born as a vegetable associated with the season immediately preceding it. Wake up, America, not every pumpkin can afford to work at Starbucks for one month a year. I have a family. It’s 2012, why don’t you open your mind?”
“The Sea” from the Royal Caribbean Cruise commercials
“Merry Christmas to all from me, the Sea! Hehehe. I’m adorable. Did you ever imagine the sea would have the voice of a woman who is also an infant? Well I do! Don’t think about the fact that I can dial a phone despite not having any manual dexterity, or hands. Anyway, let’s sing some seasonal carols. I’ll take all the high notes.”
“Happy Christmas, ladies and gentleman! What’s that? You don’t know what Yule is? What about yuletide? No, I have nothing to do with donkeys — are you thinking of the word “mule”? C’mon, get it together. No, I’ve never even seen The King and I. Why do people keep asking me that? It’s me, Yule. Seriously, nobody? I’m in like ALL the songs. Well, if you don’t know, then I’m not telling you. Trust me on this one, you’re missing out.”
“I’ve got way more than five golden rings, mothafucka.”
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I always wanted to give a commencement speech.
My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.