Other Places We Found Love
The bottom of the hamper and it smelled terrible.
In eleven caves along the northwest shore of the Dead Sea between the years 1947 and 1956.
The Hole reunion tour.
Ensemble cast movies released just before a holiday for maximum cross-promotional opportunities.
The last place we looked, which was totally annoying.
Sitting at the bar, after we walked through the entire restaurant twice, like an idiot, because love didn’t text us when it got there like we specifically asked love to do.
We thought we found it in a research lab at CERN, but it turns out it was just a loose cable.
A very boring tennis match.
Atlantis (The lost underwater city, not the Bahamian resort. Nothing positive exists at that resort.)
My little sister’s dresser after she swore she didn’t borrow it
This one particular 7-eleven, a lot of people think it is gross to use love that you found in 7-eleven, but it’s sooo good.
Via an extensive Google search.
A thrift store in Brooklyn inside of a speakeasy under an artisanal ice shop that we’re never telling you about ever.
In the cabinet, where we mistakenly put the love when we meant to put it in the fridge.
Disco roller rink lost-and-found.
At H&M, but it wasn’t in our size because — we really think — people hide the popular-sized love in other sections of the store so they can come back and get it later when it’s on sale.
In the dictionary under “A” for adoration or affection, because dictionaries like to jerk people around
Sutter’s Mill in Coloma, California in 1847.
Doing a cameo on SNL, in a skit that wasn’t funny, but everyone watching laughed because it had a cameo.
In like f-cking ALL of Paul’s Letters to the Corinthians.
On the G Train, but we just let it roll away because there is no love for which riding the G train is worth it.
In the Laundromat after it had gone through the wash in our pocket and ruined our tailored shorts.
We thought we found it backstage at a Pit Bull concert, but then we realized that was just puppy love.
Like two hours later in the other Starbucks on Broadway.
We didn’t actually find love. We found Dov Charney, CEO of American Apparel, but people misheard us so we just went with it.
In that one gym bag we stopped using because it had writing on it that said it “was not a bag” and isn’t everything just f-cking meta enough already?
Our mom found it for us after we complained about it enough.
Three exits back, where we said we should have gotten off in the first place.
In a sitcom dumpster positioned perfectly underneath a fire escape, just waiting for some assholes to fall into it and walk away without a scratch.
Five words: Columbus Day parade Grand Marshall.
Stuck inside of “glove.”
At the bottom of a well claiming to have amnesia, but we’re pretty sure that it’s just a ploy for attention.
The following library sections: 100s, 200s, 700s, and 800s. Libraries that use Library of Congress Classification instead of Dewey Decimal file love in “Class A: General works” — so good luck finding it at one of those LCC hellscapes.
At Ikea.com, but it is not available at the store. Also, they don’t ship it.
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A | A | A
Think about where you want to go, back out your decisions from there.
Did you know that if you put Bacon on a dead body it will come back to life?
Your crush can sense your increasingly-frenetic desperation, and now has gone from the “They’re a cool friend, but I’m just not really interested in being romantically involved” stage to the “I cannot be alone in the same room with them, they’re going to harvest a lock of my body hair for witchcraft” stage.
I think women are less funny, but it’s not their fault. The audience at the festival didn’t laugh at jokes coming out of female mouths because those jokes were less funny.