New Slang For Literate Teenage Boys

Atlas Shrug: (n)
A prolonged state of intense apathy felt toward one’s AP World History coursework.

Darkness at Noon: (n)
The final thirty minutes of class before lunch in which concentration and productivity are made near-impossible by extreme feelings of abdominal and cranial emptiness, onset of seemingly random, debilitating, ‘shame-slouch’-inducing erections.

Infinite Jest: (n)
One’s phallus; used braggingly.

For Whom the Bell Tolls: (n)
A marijuana-enthused friend or acquaintance who spends a disconcerting amount of time and money at a local Taco Bell.

Mamet: (n)
A cool bearded teacher.

HTML-Reliant: (adj)
State of being after having sacrificed a good chunk of one’s evening of potential school-related productivity, maintenance of proper personal hygiene and sufficient sleep at the hands of constant oscillation between and page-refreshing of 4-5 literature-themed blogs and websites. (HTMLGIANT, Goodreads, The Poetry Foundation, Bookslut, NYT Books Section etc.)

Pathetic Fallacy: (n)
A peer’s phallus; used mockingly.

McSweeney: (v)
Unattainably attractive female’s consistently swift, merciful rejection of one’s most fully-formed and thoughtful works of romantic persuasion or advancement.

Rhetorical Device: (n)
A phallus; tonally indifferent.

Deus Ex Machina: (n)
Having found a pair of clean underwear, appearing at random beneath layers of dirty clothes when one’s late for school.

Exposition: (n)
A peer’s newly formed, creepy, pedophilically sparse upper lip hair gone unchecked for weeks.

Dictation: (n)
Masturbation, typically DH Lawrence-fueled.

Couplet: (n)
An unendearingly twee couple; used disdainfully.

Charlotte: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon by one’s friends to be attractive.

Emily: (n, adj)
Attractive, ‘signal-radiating’ female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive, but when brought up in conversation is mostly referred to as ‘weird,’ ‘stalkerish’ and ‘brand-hungry’ because of her swiftness in following all of one’s internet presences, frequently asking for ‘book recommendations.’

Ann: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive; is never brought up in conversation.

Roman a clef: (n)
A friend’s improbable narrative of a sexual encounter.

Heart of Darkness: (n)
Hovering parental unit.

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