New Slang For Literate Teenage Boys
Atlas Shrug: (n)
A prolonged state of intense apathy felt toward one’s AP World History coursework.
Darkness at Noon: (n)
The final thirty minutes of class before lunch in which concentration and productivity are made near-impossible by extreme feelings of abdominal and cranial emptiness, onset of seemingly random, debilitating, ‘shame-slouch’-inducing erections.
Infinite Jest: (n)
One’s phallus; used braggingly.
For Whom the Bell Tolls: (n)
A marijuana-enthused friend or acquaintance who spends a disconcerting amount of time and money at a local Taco Bell.
A cool bearded teacher.
State of being after having sacrificed a good chunk of one’s evening of potential school-related productivity, maintenance of proper personal hygiene and sufficient sleep at the hands of constant oscillation between and page-refreshing of 4-5 literature-themed blogs and websites. (HTMLGIANT, Goodreads, The Poetry Foundation, Bookslut, NYT Books Section etc.)
Pathetic Fallacy: (n)
A peer’s phallus; used mockingly.
Unattainably attractive female’s consistently swift, merciful rejection of one’s most fully-formed and thoughtful works of romantic persuasion or advancement.
Rhetorical Device: (n)
A phallus; tonally indifferent.
Deus Ex Machina: (n)
Having found a pair of clean underwear, appearing at random beneath layers of dirty clothes when one’s late for school.
A peer’s newly formed, creepy, pedophilically sparse upper lip hair gone unchecked for weeks.
Masturbation, typically DH Lawrence-fueled.
An unendearingly twee couple; used disdainfully.
Charlotte: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon by one’s friends to be attractive.
Emily: (n, adj)
Attractive, ‘signal-radiating’ female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive, but when brought up in conversation is mostly referred to as ‘weird,’ ‘stalkerish’ and ‘brand-hungry’ because of her swiftness in following all of one’s internet presences, frequently asking for ‘book recommendations.’
Ann: (n, adj)
Attractive female generally agreed upon, in solitude, by one’s friends to be attractive; is never brought up in conversation.
Roman a clef: (n)
A friend’s improbable narrative of a sexual encounter.
Heart of Darkness: (n)
Hovering parental unit.
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Try something today. Count how many times someone brings up some sort of mental illness in normal conversation. Add that number up and tell me it doesn’t strike you as kind of weird how many normal people walk around with the belief that there is something wrong with them.
She assumed it was jewelry. Every year he gets her a charm for her gold chain or a pair of dangly earrings.
Fall if you will, but rise you must.
You may lose what would have been the joy of the experience had you not been so focused on some fabricated idea or unrealistic expectation you had of how it was going to turn out.