New Jersey Woman Is Accused Of Putting Her Six-Year-Old In A Tanning Bed

May. 3, 2012

By Oliver Miller info

Oliver has a MFA in fiction from a very expensive college, but has never published any fiction. He has written for ...

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44-year-old Patricia Krentcil was recently arrested in Nutley, New Jersey, and charged with child endangerment, and whooo I can’t even finish this sentence; just look at that still image from the video! Okay, okay. I can do this.

Ms. Krentcil was accused of child endangerment for allegedly putting Anna, her six-year-old daughter, in a tanning bed. Anna showed up later on at school with slight burns. When a school nurse asked Anna how she got burned, the little girl replied: “I go tanning with mommy.” However, Ms. Krentcil vehemently denied this version of events, saying, “…It didn’t happen. …Yes, she does go tanning with mommy, but not in the booth.” Patricia Krentcil is out on $2,500 bail.

Intriguing stuff! But where, exactly, does the truth lie? Well, if this humble reporter could quickly pause here and offer his own opinion… So, I feel we should probably all just listen to Ms. Krentcil, and go along with her version of events. After all, she clearly knows when TANNING IS APPROPRIATE AND WHEN IT ISN’T. …She clearly knows just exactly how far to go with tanning, is what I’m saying.

…Anyway, and in other tanning-related news, a confused Oliver Miller was caught staring at the above video for a good five minutes today, while sitting in front of his computer in his pajamas. He was heard muttering the following words to himself: “Can I actually write about this? This is a… parody, right? This has to be a joke. This has to be a goddamn joke.”

It is not a joke. TC mark

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  • Guest

    I thought blackface was looked down upon

  • Elliott

    must be some CGI…I see a leather bag talking

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/NX7KFVY2YTEHJCBPEJUISWU23E AshleyH

    Oh God…This story is a huge sigh of relief. I am glad I wasn’t the only who was so distracted by leather face when I saw this yesterday.  I would have felt like a big douche trying to explain that just looking at that woman’s face was WAY more interesting and hilarious than the actual story. Thank you!

  • Anonymous

    The mug shot shows that she’s not even that tanned.  I don’t even know what she is!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=755281616 Dawn Cumberbatch

    Why are we surprised? She lives in “NUTley NJ!” What a mess!!!

    • Oliver Miller

      I always liked it when “Futurama” would make fun of Nutley.

  • EP

    This…isn’t possible. There’s no way someone can get that tan from the time of the mugshot to the interview. Not physically possible. Mind is blown.

  • http://twitter.com/A_Tall_Ass_Dog John-Joseph Conway

    Nutley is one of the heavily-Italian inner-ring suburbs of Newark, and a lot of the population is descended from the former Italian residents of Newark. In these towns (Nutley, Belleville, Bloomfield, Caldwell, Verona, eg Sopranos towns) the population is very segregated, and at the risk of making an offensive generalization of my own, there is a certain animosity toward “Newark residents” aka black people. A lot of these towns express disgust with their taxes going to Newark, and many have the sympathy that the city should just be walled off and bombed, or invaded by the national guard, or the people exterminated in some way, or “the thugs should just keep killing each other until there are none left.” in short, the white Essex County towns generally despise the black ones, which are Newark, East Orange, and Irvington.

    In light of this, I wonder what it says about this woman that she has tried to tan her skin to look as black as it’s possible for her to look. it’s like she wants to appropriate their look while still being part of a segregated community that will not welcome any…maybe this is the dermatological equivalent of Pat Boone covering Little Richard songs?

    • Oliver Miller

      I also dated a girl from Nutley once.  I would make fun of her for being from Nutley, which, if someone from Philadelphia is mocking you, that means you’re a few rungs down the ladder, so to speak.

  • http://nwairah.tumblr.com/ Nwairah

    Allegedly folks.

    • Oliver Miller

      Give her the benefit of the doubt, people.

  • Andrew Rowland

    Patricia Krentcil? Anyone reminded of the episode of The Office where Dwight tells Michael he went to the dentist and when asked what the dentist’s name was he said “Krentist”?

    Not sure where I’m going with this exactly but…. Patricia Pencil. BOOM. Done.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    It’s like making love to a catcher’s mitt with eyes.

    • Oliver Miller

      Now you’re just gunning for the “best of” comments again.  It smacks of effort, sir.

      • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

        Oh, Oliver.  You should encourage me, not disparage me.  So when are you going to be in this wonderful area again? 

  • JB

    I love how the newscaster has to point out that the kid is a pale skinned ginger, but completely manages to ignore the fact that her mother resembles the wooden cabinet behind her. Especially when the kid comes up and prods her face…

  • Martin

    She is not alone in that look.  Two older women with an equally, uh, bronzed patina frequent one of my local breakfast haunts in the DC ‘burbs.  They are just as dark as Ms. Krentcil in the video, but with an added orange tone that looks like they’re enhancing the tanning bed action with chemical spray ons.

    To each his or her own, I guess, but tough to see over early Sunday breakfast.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=825630453 Lauren Doster Magruder

    Charlie Bucket-ish… ?

  • TracyW

    I wanna know how old she is……cause she looks about 50-ish, a bad 50-ish. Not a Heather Locklear type 50. 

    • Martin

       She’s 44…a bad 44.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=825630453 Lauren Doster Magruder

    I thought the same thing! “Sounds like a good dentist. What’s his name?”….. Krentist…

  • Guest

    I can’t stop looking at her. Jesus. Day ruined.

  • rose georgia

    the way the lurid pink of her top shows up on tv makes me think that it was added later, since originally she was interviewed naked because her tan is now so thick it constitutes actual clothing.

  • Wdeanis

    I think I’m offended that she’s donning blackface, but I think that’s the best explanation my mind could come up with…

  • LaTourista

    I kind of can’t get over that city’s name.

  • Jan

    RELEASE THE KRAKEN 

    • Oliver Miller

      THIS IS SPARTA.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brendan.s.walters Brendan Walters

    This Yin to Michael Jackson’s Yang will haunt my dreams, forever.

  • Sarahreynolds00

    “not your typical candidate for long-term sun exposure” 

  • Anonymous

    Would this be so bad if the kid wasn’t a ginger?

    • Oliver Miller

      Short answer:  No.

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