My Socially Unacceptable Wedding Soundtrack
The other day I was Spotifying Def Leppard in search of inspiration for my writing (don’t judge), and a live version of “Pour Some Sugar On Me” began to trickle through my earbuds. I don’t know what it is about that song, but it gets me going, almost to the point where I’d say, yes, Joe Elliot, even though you look a little like Chad Kroeger, you can be this demolition woman’s man (my man, hoo-uh).
Anyway, as I was listening to the song on repeat, I had a thought: I wish it were socially acceptable to play this song at my wedding. Strange, right? Why did I jump straight to “wedding,” which is possibly the least appropriate venue in which to play that song? I could have just as easily thought, man, I can’t wait to play that at my birthday party this year, or it’d be so hilarious to listen to that song while working out, and by hilarious I mean awesome. At least those options would be a bit more feasible than a wedding (especially considering “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is usually reserved for college bars and strip clubs where underage women get sassy “in the name of love,” if you know what I mean).
Even though weddings are perhaps the paragon of things we do “in the name of love,” I’m confident my mother would have a conniption fit if I told her I wanted Def Leppard on my playlist. This got me thinking. If I were able to musically score my own wedding without social and moral repercussions, what songs would I choose? And so I was inspired to jot down all the songs I’d play at my nuptials if no one was attending but myself. Behold: my socially unacceptable wedding soundtrack.
The song I would walk down the aisle to, backlit by a spotlight and surrounded by fog: “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard — obviously.
The song my wedding party would enter the reception to: “P.Y.T.” by Michael Jackson.
The song my husband and I would enter the reception to: “You Make My Dreams Come True” by Hall and Oates.
Our first dance, which would require a costume change, a chair, and a ballet barre prop: “Love Sex Magic” by Ciara ft. Justin Timberlake.
The teen idol song my father and I would dance to: “As Long As You Love Me” by Backstreet Boys.
The teen idol song the groom and his mother would dance to: “Favorite Girl” by Justin Bieber.
The song during which my husband would go garter-diving: “That’s My B*tch” by Jay-Z and Kanye West.
The song during which I would toss my bouquet and secretly laugh at my single friends: “He Loves Me He Loves You Not” by Dream.
The last dance, choreographed by Kenny Ortega, which the everyone would partake in: “We’re All In This Together” by High School Musical Soundtrack.
How amazing would that wedding be? If only.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.