My Drinking Resume
Surprisingly not at the bar, NY
To shame myself into taking it down a notch.
High School, 2000-2004
- Overcame fear of peeing in public places
- Created strategic alliances with supervisors who were both of legal drinking age and willing to buy alcohol for 14-year-olds
- Successfully got drunk in school by obscuring vodka in water bottle
- Mastered the art of lying to parents about… pretty much everything
- Employed various scientific methods to reduce foam resulting from amateur pours
- Was President for at least five or so rounds of Asshole, one time
- Completed ~18 second keg stand
- Survived drunk-driving car accident caused by intoxicated stranger by the name of “Getty”
- Avoided drug and alcohol counseling recommended by school after throwing ‘a rager’ in dorm room first week at college
- Planned and executed various keg parties, earning silent partners 200% of their initial investment
- Came in third during extremely important and competitive beer pong tournament
- Vomited from a moving car an unprecedented three times the morning after New Year’s Eve, 2005
- Actually completed a Power Hour
- Achieved legal-drinking age
- Convinced parents it was okay to drink in their presence
- Shamed parents for not being able to consume alcohol without falling asleep moments later/ talking about the ~crazy dream~ they had the night before
Post Grad, 2008-2012
- Spent unprecedented percentage of salary on alcoholic beverages
- Planned social engagements by consulting MyOpenBar.com
- Attended various product launches, holiday parties, and ‘professional mixers’ in the interest of thrift
- Endured the company of terrible people without throwing my drink on them
- Mastered the art of getting unspeakably intoxicated at brunch
- Willingly hosted parties in place of residency after learning that guests frequently bring bottles of alcohol that no one gets around to drinking
Emerging Adulthood, August 2012-Present
- Willfully and successfully abstained from alcohol for… five days
- Resisted consumption of alcohol during time of extreme emotional distress
- Documented drinking history in resume format in an effort to hold self accountable for unhealthy, egregious history with alcohol
Skills: Can do an inaccurate but entertaining iteration of the Moonwalk. Will not get drunk and bum cigarettes from you. Almost always willing to leave the bar when you are. Generous at the jukebox. Has bottle opener attached to housekeys. Not big on vomiting. Proficient at beer pong, flip cup, Power Hour, Asshole, and Kings (or Circle of Death, whatever you want to call it).
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.