Miss Advised: Crazy Women Are Crazy
Miss Advised is one of the most terrifying reality shows on television. The premise follows three women, who are so-called relationship experts, as they try to navigate their own lackluster love lives and attempt to “have it all.” You see, they make their living off of giving people love and sex advice, but they can’t seem to apply any of it to their own lives. Oh, the delicious irony! By golly, I think there might be a show in here. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ratings, bitch!
Meet Amy. She’s a matchmaker living in New York City who reeks of desperation and Chanel No. 5. Amy’s “matchmaking service” appears to be operated out of a broom closet and I’m 99% positive all her clients are just her mom’s friends from yoga. I honestly don’t believe anyone would actually pay her to do anything other than to go away. Amy is… a little bit unhinged. She twitches with nervous energy and likes to wear ugly berets out in public. She also has a full-blown eating disorder, which comes to the surface when she goes out to dinner. On one episode, Amy is on a date with this dude who appears to have no interest in her, other than being on television, and nearly has a heart attack when he suggests they order the chicken pot pie. Her eyes bulge, she struggles with her words and can’t seem to catch her breath.
“The chicken pot pie?!!!!”
“Um, yeah,” the dude responds, looking both confused and bored.
“I don’t think that’s going to be possible for me. I don’t even eat that on my cheat days!”
Her hands trembling on the menu, Amy decides to be very brave and order the hot chocolate.
“I can’t believe I’m drinking a hot chocolate. This is insane. I’m going to have to do serious lunges tomorrow.”
Her hot chocolate arrives and, to Amy’s horror, it’s been doused with whipped cream. Again, Amy nearly has a heart attack and beckons the waiter.
“EXCUSE ME, SIR! I know this is strange to ask but can I not have whipped cream? I just… I can’t. Thanks so much…”
The prospect of having to consume actual food has clearly almost triggered a psychotic episode in Amy. When her hot chocolate arrives sans whipped cream, she sips it with blind terror. In her eyes though, this is her making progress. This is her being “normal.”
Can you tell Amy is my favorite? Her storylines are always thinner than the other two girls and I’m guessing that’s because most of her footage is her lying around in a bathrobe and pretending to make calls on her cell phone to people who don’t actually exist. “Hello?” she whispers to a dialtone. “Jeff, is that you? It’s Amy. We met at Whole Foods in front of the kale aisle. I need you, Jeff. Please call me.”
In other words, she’s a reality TV dream who might not be ready for her close-up.
Meet Julia Allison, one of the most hated girls on the internet, who naturally has landed herself a reality show. I have to admit that I only knew of her vaguely before the show aired, so I was going into the show with an open heart, mind, and blog. After having to endure her annoying behavioral tics for five minutes, however, I can understand why the internet has been taking a dump on her face for the past five years because SHE’S ANNOYING AS HELL. There’s this insufferable infantile quality to her. Like, she’s 30, but her personality became frozen in junior high, along with her fashion sense. I just imagine her running around her bedroom in a tutu, scribbling hearts on her notebook, and blasting “This is the story of a girl…” by Nine Days. She has Peter Pan syndrome, so much so that she’s already resorted to using fillers on her face, which make her look freakish and always in a state of manic euphoria.
Julia approaches men with fervor and they seem to be completely terrified of her. On all of her dates, she basically mauls them and begs for a kiss. It’s very unsettling to watch — this grown woman throwing herself on these boys who are clearly made uncomfortable by her antics — but Julia seems completely oblivious to how she’s being perceived. To find out what she’s doing wrong, Julia seeks out the help of a witch doctor and happiness coach, both of whom tell her that she needs to dial it down and act like a sane person. But Julia can’t do it. Julia needs to behave extreme at all times, which means laughing maniacally and screaming things at her dates, as they start running for the exit. She seems to display some manic tendencies. She’s either laughing, screaming, or crying. There’s no in-between for her, which I guess makes for good TV, but I feel bad for her friends and loved ones who have to deal with her IRL.
Meet Emily. She hosts a radio show in San Francisco and doles out sex advice to strangers. She’s the most sane out of the bunch. Like, I can just imagine her meeting Julia and Amy, and being like, “Um, I’m going to sit over… here.” I like her. She’s smart and funny and gets it. You always need a Greek chorus on a reality show, someone who is thinking and feeling the same things as the viewers, and Emily would be that. She’s great.
Miss Advised presents women in a very “Kate Hudson romantic comedy” light — which is to say that it makes them look psychotic and desperate. It’s a shame really because that narrative has been explored so many times, to the detriment of our society. Here’s three CRAZY women who, of course, can’t land a man because they’re NUTS. GIRLS ARE INSANE, CAN’T YOU SEE? For all of its progressive quirks and charms, Bravo has done a real disservice to women with this show. Julia and Amy might make for good TV but their antics reinforce the same, sad stereotypes about single women, and for that, this show seems sorely misadvised.
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It’s the body’s way of saying, “Whoops! Time is up. You need to make a change.”
Your Cat Licking Your Face Immediately After It Eats Gross Food
If you look at the world as a reflection of your state of affairs, you will experience moments like these.
6. No, I TOTALLY wasn’t planning on eating that. I just brought it home for fun! I’m glad you enjoyed the rest of my celebratory steak dinner, though.