Let's Make Some Bad Decisions Tonight
Let’s make some bad decisions tonight. Let’s take those New Year’s Resolutions we made last week and dunk them in whiskey and use them as a sex blanket. Let’s take back what we said about 2012 getting off to a great start. Let’s dirty up the clean slate the new year has made for us. Come on. Cum. On.
Let’s do all of these things in one day: Eat a giant burrito, text your ex, have sex with your ex, get drunk, and go out. Because guess what? These “clean slates” brought on by the new year are 100% bogus and continually set us up for failure. There’s so much pressure riding on the beginning of a new year and all it does is create anxiety and push you to the brink. People fail to understand that doing “bad things” isn’t really bad at all if it’s done in moderation. Yes, yes, you’ve heard this before. “Do things in moderation,” but it clearly fails to resonate.
We feel so much shame when we do things that are technically bad for us that all it does is create a vortex of guilt and binging. People feel so terrible about getting wasted on a work night that, when they do it, they actually drink to excess, vomit, and call in sick to worK. The fact that it feels forbidden makes people want to do it to excess. Chances are if you just embraced it as a night to make mistakes and shirk responsibility, you probably wouldn’t end up indulging in too much. By removing the stigma, you’ll probably cancel the morning appointment you made with your shame spiral.
Of course, there are such things as actual addictions and unhealthy patterns of behavior that need to be stopped. I’m not talking about those here. You should really go get help for those. What I am talking about are the people who are ruled by their anxieties and swallow themselves in guilt whenever they do something that could be construed as wrong.
Your New Year’s resolutions are jerks. They just highlight your flaws and remind you that you’re not where you should be. But, hi, newsflash, when are we ever where we need to be? What does that even mean? Like the coked out band Oasis once said, just be here now! Where you need to be tonight is going out with your friends and throwing caution to the wind. Say good-bye to your neuroses and anxieties and surrender yourself to a fun night out. Bombshell: 2012 is not going to be the year you magically get your stuff together. Your New Year’s resolutions aren’t going to cause you to have 10,000 epiphanies about how you should live the correct life. You’ll change when you’re ready to change. Usually the changes will be so subtle, you won’t even notice them. You’ll just wake up one day and realize your life is going exactly the way you want.
So go. Go get crazy tonight and resist the feeling of ickiness you have the next morning about drinking too much or eating too much and just be like, “Yeah, I did that. It was cool.” Then move on. Make some bad decisions tonight and blame it all on me, honey.
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.