Lessons I’ve Learned From Dating On OKCupid

Jun. 7, 2012

By Jana Eleanor info

She lives in Boston and spends a lot of time watching Parks and Recreation and recounting past embarrassments. She's ...

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From 2009 to 2011, I joined many of my peers in looking for love on OKCupid. I didn’t meet The One, but I did pick up a few life lessons along the way.

I am capable of talking to anyone for an hour.

This is something really valuable that I took away from my OKC experience. I went on date after date, and almost always knew right away that I hadn’t met my soul mate. But each time I sat back, had a beverage, and managed to make conversation for at least an hour.

On one date, I met a young man at a coffee shop near a local adult education center. “I once took a class there,” I said, to start us off. “Me too!” he replied. “Oh cool, what did you take?” I asked. He put his head down like he’d made a mistake and muttered, “Oh… assertiveness training.”

Despite the fact that he’d pointed out his biggest weakness within twenty seconds of meeting me, we had a very pleasant time. I learned that he was a libertarian and that he liked techno. I shared my political views and love for music that doesn’t suck. At the end, we hugged and parted ways.

I’m grateful for this skill, and it’s served me well. I came to think of each date as a low-stakes interview, which gave me confidence in subsequent actual interviews. Conversation is easy, if not always stimulating! The gift of that knowledge is something that I treasure.

I have a ridiculous capacity for hope.

Despite going on date after date and being disappointed again and again, I still managed to expect, each time, that this guy would be different. We’d exchange a couple messages, I’d laugh a few times, and before we’d even arranged to meet up I’d be picturing the stories we’d tell at our dinner parties — “He messaged me about SUGAR RAY!” I’d say, and everyone would laugh. Then we’d put on “Fly” and dance in celebration.

As my OKC career lengthened, I learned to at least pretend that I didn’t believe anything would ever work out. But secretly, I got dressed for each date with the air that this might be a night I’d always remember. The power of desperate want is strong, my friends.

It’s a small online world.

Here are some scenarios that took place during my OKC life:

1. A guy messaged my friend Laura and asked her on a date to the local Asian supermarket, in all caps. Like this: “DO YOU WANT TO GET DINNER AT THE SUPER 88.” Period, no question mark. She didn’t respond. A few weeks later, the same guy messaged me, using the same words and punctuation. I, too, ignored it. Later that week, Laura was at work and overheard a new male co-worker chatting on the phone. “Yeah man, I’m meeting this chick at the Super 88! It worked! I dunno though I might blow it off.”

Had to be the same guy, right?

2. In post-online dating life, I regularly see a guy who I went on one TERRIBLE date with. It was maybe the worst of all my OKC dates (involving long silences in which I wracked my brain to come up with new questions to ask), and I’m not proud to say that afterward I simply ignored his text and phone call. I’m SORRY, but I just couldn’t. Luckily, we now go to the same gym at the same time, so I get to avoid him in person nearly every day! Our relationship has definitively evolved.

3. I originally went on OKC after ending a mini-relationship with a guy I quite liked but didn’t LIKE like. Guess who showed up in my list of matches on my very first day? Yes. Yes, it was him. He “poked” me, and then proceeded to immediately find a long-term girlfriend on the Cupid. I offered him my congratulations and continued to toil in online loneliness.

Alcohol is misleading.

On one of my last OKC dates, I met the guy at my favorite bar on a Wednesday night. He was one beer in, and challenged me to catch up. I love a challenge! We soon realized that it was trivia night, and rather than join in, we decided to drink to combat the noise level (it made sense, somehow) and make fun of the announcer. I was pretty sure this was the guy for me.

We carried out our plan. Before I knew it, it was 11:30 and I’d had five twenty-ounce beers. I thought he was GREAT. He was FUNNY, and sweet, and a smoker but I TOTALLY didn’t mind — I even followed him out of the bar on his smoke break so we could make out. Finally! I’d met Him!

I drove to work the next day elated, pumping music in defiance of my insane hangover. He texted me — hmm, the text was sort of spelled wrong, but whatever — and we made plans for the weekend. Hooray!

Needless to say, our connection was not QUITE as strong when we met up for our sober second date. Was he high? Was he always so whiny? Jesus he smelled like smoke. I smiled and pleaded exhaustion to cut the night short. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted.

In conclusion, OKCupid might not find you love, but it will afford you the opportunity to practice valuable social skills and examine your own patterns of behavior. Although my account has been closed for a year, I continue to be a proud and supportive alum of The Cupid. To the current incoming class: Have fun! Good luck! Get drunk, but not too drunk! Most importantly: Take good notes. TC Mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

image – OkCupid.com

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  • http://raymondthimmes.com raymondthimmes

    My first few hours into okcupid I was matched with about twenty females that went to the college I graduated from and an ex who has definitively told me ‘please don’t ever talk to me again.’ I have had zero dates and am steadily losing hope. My first thought upon finishing this article was “jesus, if she can’t find love on there then I’m fucked.”

    Enjoyed the read though. Logging back in. Going to ask a girl to sushi in ALL CAPS NOW AND SEE IF IT WORKS!

    • http://gravatar.com/janapollack janapollack

      Haha, I BET IT WILL! I’m rootin for you.

    • guest

      ill go to sushi with you! im a guy tho loll

      • http://www.facebook.com/andrea.lynema Andrea Lynema

        Been with one guy I met on OKC for 2.5 years now… Pretty sure it’s going to last. :) Doesn’t work for everyone but there’s hope! Just be persistent and have fun.

  • Lindsay

    cute!

  • James N Cleveland
  • http://karyninny.wordpress.com karyninny

    Last night, while with an OKC date, I listened to him tell me about the three months he lived under a bush in Central Park, and thought to myself, it’s good that OKC is free, because now I have the money I need to buy this guy his drink and pizza. Ah, life.

    • http://www.boobsbaconbourbon.com/author/eric Eric

      Was he an Occupier or just decided to become a hobo for shits and giggles?

      • http://karyninny.wordpress.com karyninny

        he was not occupying the bush for political reasons.

    • http://twitter.com/LeelaChrista Miss Navarro (@LeelaChrista)

      And I thought my OKC experiences were bad… I tip my hat to you miss.

  • http://www.boobsbaconbourbon.com/author/eric Eric

    This is a great post! I’m a big fan of online dating, mainly because I’m not out to find “the one” in any capacity at this point in my life. So the awkward, hyper-talkative first dates have become sort of an addiction for me. The online community truly is a small one. I recently wrote about running into two online rejections on the same night: one who rejected me and one I rejected. It was awkward. And yes, alcohol can misrepresent how strong the connection is.

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/06/lessons-i%e2%80%99ve-learned-from-dating-on-okcupid-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment [...]

  • http://gravatar.com/katieclysm katieclysm

    OK Cupid is both wonderful and terrible, if for nothing else than that it allows for people seeking all kinds of different relationships. I definitely met my fiance on there, though, so it’s not a TOTAL waste. I think it depends on your locality–being from Vancouver, there’s a pretty sizable pool of lovable weirdos to choose from.

  • http://gravatar.com/breatheandriseaboveit Kells

    I met my girlfriend on OKC about 13-ish months ago… At the time, she lived 6 hours away from me…and now lives 8, but I’ll be moving in with her at the end of the year. Our friends like to make fun of us for meeting on a dating site, but I guess there was something to that whole 99% match? :-)

  • Corrin M.

    SUPER 88 IS MY SWAG!!

    My Love and I went on our first date at Audobon in Audobon Circle. It may have good luck, so you should go there for your next OKC date :)

  • Guest

    I was on OKCupid for a month. In that time, I went on two dates – one with a bummer of a guy who only complained about Los Angeles and parking during the whole date (and made me pay for food) and then one with an awesome guy who eventually became my boyfriend. It’s not that easy to weed out the weirdos if you engage well enough before meeting and I guess being very, very selective.

  • Ben

    What I learned from OKCupid is that I’m very compatible with shut-ins, cat ladies, or the severely obsessive compulsive. Sometimes all at once.

  • Elle

    The thing about OKcupid is that it’s just a way to match people up. Once you’ve gone on a first date, it’s no different then any other form of dating or meeting people.

  • gondelman

    Nice moxie, dude. I like your style.

  • http://myonlinedatingconsultant.wordpress.com MyOnlineDatingConsultant

    Really funny piece! Like anything it’s important to have fun with a process and online dating is no exception.

    The “Capacity For Hope” section is good for others to emulate. It’s important to always bring good energy to a date and not condemn your current date for the sins of your previous one’s. It only takes one good one to make it happen!

  • db

    Oh my god. That last section describes my first date with my terrible last “mini-relationship” to a T. Turns out being able to drink 5 margaritas each does not a connection make. Ugh. better luck in the future haha. keep being hopeful!

  • Bee

    I’ve been on OkC for over a year now and been on a couple of dates. I didn’t end up with a boyfriend from any of them but it really helped open me to the dating world. I’m the type of girl who never found herself pretty and have never been asked out much in college or jobs, so dating guys off OkC boosted my confidence! And there are some really educated and good guys on the site.

  • Natalie

    After a week on OKC, I ended up just permanently deleting my account. The first day or two, it was flattering. I got flattering messages left and right. I met one guy who I took a liking to. During a Skype date, he told me he liked how nice and tight my shorts looked on me. I was flattered, I didn’t even get creeped out because I thought he was attractive. The next day, and the day after that, all he wanted to know was how my shower went, or what I was wearing. Eventually, casual conversation stopped. I knew he had put me in the “booty call for later” part of his mind. Seriously heartbroken, I decided to delete the whole thing. Never again. Partially my fault, of course, but I can’t do this type of thing online.

  • Maggie

    I feel silly for saying it, but I’m 2 years in to a relationship that started on OK Cupid. I went on several really horrible dates, and I had been talking to my current guy for about a month and a half. We had such wonderful conversations that I was legitimately afraid of meeting him. I was terrified that he would have something severely wrong with him. Hell, at that point I was afraid that there was something severely wrong with me for continuing to subject myself to the online community! I was very lucky, and still am, to have found him where I did, when I did. You never know what’s going to work. Dating online just makes a person feel assertive, like we’re actually making some kind of effort, rather than waiting around for the right person.

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/evil-things-i-cant-stop-doing/ 36 Evil Things I Can’t Stop Doing | Thought Catalog

    [...] Completely ignoring follow-up texts from people I went on an OkCupid date if I don’t like them, rather than doing the right thing by texting that it’s not the [...]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/09/evil-things-i-can%e2%80%99t-stop-doing/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    [...] Completely ignoring follow-up texts from people I went on an OkCupid date if I don’t like them, rather than doing the right thing by texting that it’s not the [...]

  • http://janaeleanor.com/lessons-ive-learned-from-dating-on-okcupid/ Jana Eleanor » LESSONS I’VE LEARNED FROM DATING ON OKCUPID

    [...] Relive the pain with me on Thought Catalog. [...]

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