Lesser Known Social Media Statistics

If Facebook figures out how to digitally serve alcohol, there will be no reason to ever leave the computer.

Before social media, people had to spend the majority of their workdays playing Minesweeper and Solitaire, or verbally speaking to one another.

Sixty-seven percent of Americans prefer being retweeted to oral sex.

Eighty-two percent of Pinterest users have already purchased a special holiday sweater to wear on Christmas day.

Because social media has replaced pornography as the leading online activity, hundreds of porn actors will be forced to give up their fornication dreams and become schoolteachers.

MySpace is to social media what Long John Silver’s is to seafood.

Reddit is to social media what anarchy is to government.

LinkedIn is pornography for unemployed people.

Forty-two percent of celebrities have fake Facebook accounts to dispute people talking poorly about them on Facebook.

If Twitter were a woman, she would be beautiful, intelligent, and never have a relationship longer than two months because she would not shut the fuck up.

If Twitter were a man, he would be Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke, not so much Paul Newman in The Color of Money.

A cool idea for a social media website is a place where consenting adults can log in, choose an avatar, and have avatar sex with other consenting adults. It would be called 4Play.

In six years, 4Play will be responsible for 15 percent of American sexual activity.

In 10 years, 4Play will be responsible for 36 percent of American divorces.

There is a severe lack of “Bullshit” buttons on most social media websites.

Seventy-one percent of perverts believe that Foursquare has legalized stalking.

Users of Marathonster.com were furious to learn they were expected to comment on marathons they actually ran rather than comment on funny photos of marathoners who shat their pants.

When you trip, pick your nose, or crash your car, 76 percent of the time it ends up on YouTube within seven minutes. Your idiot video receives 1,000 clicks within 15 minutes of upload. Right now, someone is watching the time you drunk danced at that wedding.

Kickstarter is to social media what kids selling candy bars to support the basketball team are to subway platforms.

Brbr.com would be an important social media site for barbers to discuss barbering techniques.

Thirty-one percent of Americans have set up Facebook accounts for their infants and pets; 19 percent of “Likes” come from babies and Shih Tzus who have no idea what they are liking, but are fascinated by the lights.

Forty-four percent of Goodreads users rate books they never read for the sole purpose of appearing sexier to other Goodreads nerds they’ll never meet.

Digital children born in virtual worlds are generally abandoned by age five when the digital parents log on to cooler virtual worlds. Most of the abandoned children become digital serial killers.

If you add up all the photos taken on Flickr and Instagram per second, Americans are documenting history faster than history is occurring.

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