Learning German Through Porn

Every once in a while something magical happens in my otherwise useless brain. A stroke of genius. For five seconds everything becomes suddenly clear and I finally know how to solve my many pressing problems. The latest brilliant idea involves learning German through porn. I know, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? But before sharing my mischievous plan, a bit of back story.

One year ago I moved to Berlin. I packed my few valued possessions and I moved all the way to Germany following some sort of vague instinct and a wide-spread trend. It should be noted that I had never been there before and that I had never studied German in my life. What can I say? I’m the kind of person who isn’t afraid of moving to another country nor finds it particularly difficult. At the same time I could spend half an hour in front of the wurst counter, oblivious to the rest of the world, trying to figure out which kind of suspicious-looking German ham will better serve my purposes. True story. This happens to me a lot.

But I digress. After one year in this beautiful, complicated city, I still don’t speak German. I know what you’re all thinking: of course you don’t, you pale imitation of a hipster! You probably spent your first year in Berlin doing drugs, hopping from bed to bed, and burning through your savings. Jesus, thank you guys. But no, despite everybody thinking I am some sort of wild child and sex adventurer I really am not — I just look awful in the morning. So yes, it looks like I barely survived a night of debauchery, but even if my clothes and face are screaming one night stand, the sad truth is that I simply am not, and never will be, a morning person.

The only real reason why I still haven’t learned German is that I’ve been busting my ass to make ends meet by working as an intern. And in order to do so, in order to find my spot in the marvelous Berliner expat community, I had to learn English first. Didn’t I mention this? Until eight months ago I could barely articulate my thoughts in English, let alone German. Oh the joys of us non native-speakers! Luckily for me I learn really quickly.

But now here I am, after one whole year in Germany, still struggling to get a damn schokocroissant from the lady at the bakery. (I hate you bakery lady, you and you ultra-red hair, mean little eyes, and bad manners).

While at first I came across as charming, ‘oh, look at this little Italian trying her luck here in Berlin, how cute!’, now after confessing that yes, I’ve been already living here for one year, people are starting to get annoyed. Sure, they’re too polite to say anything, but I can tell, oh I can absolutely tell, just how much irks them meeting another of those damn foreigners too f-cking lazy to learn the language of their hosting country.

So what I should do? Pretend I’m still new in town? Kind of difficult to pull off. Even for me. But I don’t have the time to study, I work full time, for God’s sake! And the mythical German boyfriend is not an option, nor a solution. Sex is complicated as it is in a common language, thank you very much. And I kind of hate having amiable conversations with hook-ups.

What’s left?

Here comes my brilliant idea: I should learn through play! And what is a lot of fun these days? Easy: porn! I’m new to the whole porn thing, but I have to say it: I love it! I don’t know why I waited this long before starting to truly explore the infinite possibilities of adult entertainment. It’s easily accessible, perfectly safe and so, so good! Also so, so bad but come on…

And I’ve learned so much already: because of the efforts of amazing people like Tristan Taormino I finally know what to do with my G-spot, thank you Tristan!

Here is my revolutionary idea: since porn has already proven itself highly educational, why not using it to learn German too? Hell, it turns out there’s a whole category of ‘German’ porn. Apparently, it’s a thing! Instead of going over for the millionth time about ordering at the restaurant in the beginners book, why not having a much broader approach? Enough with ‘die Rechnung, bitte’ and the sort. I already know this stuff, now I need to focus on something more useful. Plus I have always needed some sort of reward after studying, and in this case the reward is just around the corner. Five minutes of polite German conversation and then…the sex!

I’m a genius, am I not? So here we go. First lesson: schlampe. Translation: slut, hooker, tramp. Really? I would have never guessed: it sounds so sweet, makes me think of a lazy morning, stretching and yawning in bed…that’s schlampe.

Whatever, slut is one of my favorite words too.

End of first lesson.

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