Letters To Female Inmates: Michelle Johnson #WA8393

May. 11, 2012

By Vince Veneziani info

His first book, The Greatest Trades of All Time: Top Traders Making Big Profits from the Crash of 1929 to Today, ...

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This is 100% real. Each morning, I compose a letter to an inmate in
prison in Microsoft Word, print it, sign it, and mail it out with my
return address. The letters are part niceties, part macabre humor. I
only send female inmates notes, because A) they’re hot chicks and B)
they less likely to kill me when they get out. It’s been fun thus far
and I’m really looking forward to inmates’ responses. Here’s my first
letter.

MeetAnInmate.com

TO: Michelle Johnson #WA8393
CCWF, 511-13-03 Low
PO Box 1508
Chowchilla, CA. 93610-1508

Hi Michelle,

How are things? I’ve never written a letter to an inmate before and thought it’d be fun to try out.

I noticed your hobbies include a lot of things that are, to the best of my knowledge, unavailable in prison. This includes BBQ’s, shopping and “a good book.” What was the last book you read? I’m curious what kind of literature you’d normally read. I actually came out with a book in the fall of 2011 called ::omitted::. It’s about finance.

Your shopping experience must consist of things readily available in prison. What kind of things can you buy? Is it on credit? Cash? Some kind of prison funny money? I’m curious to know. I’ve never been to prison – are the other inmates nice? I noticed you’re quite tall for a woman – 5’11”. I’m 6’1” so if you were wearing heels – which I assume aren’t allowed in prison – we’d be, like, the same height. Did you ever model?

I must say, I do enjoy living and laughing. I’m quite the humorist. What kind of jokes do you like to hear? Do you like to tell jokes? Here’s one you might like:

“What made the broken pencil story so boring? It didn’t have a point!”

Hilarious, right? I hope you agree.

Anyway, I’ve got to get back to work now. I work in publishing and finance. I thought this would be fun. Hopefully you write back. Take care!

Best,
V TC mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

This post originally appeared on Jailbird Letters.

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  • niko

    Really? Wow. I hope you hear back. I hope you survive.

  • ROAL

    HAHA.  THIS IS HYSTERICAL.

  • http://twitter.com/jennydecki jennydecki

    Is that a real picture? It looks like a Charlie’s Angels poster from 1970′s. I seriously hope you get a response that includes a current picture where she’s in her 80′s now. Hopefully one where she’s giving you gramma sexy-eyes.

  • Gmo Saza

    I loved the idea, but the execution (no pun intended whatsoever) was lackluster and boring.

  • Stogie

    Well it looks like you could be a nominee for the most arrogant Cunt award 2012. 

  • http://twitter.com/VAMPARS Smokey Problemson

    What a cool guy, taunting incarcerated women who already live in hell! I’m sure that their surroundings weren’t enough of a constant reminder that they’re unable to go shopping, have barbecues, or publish books about money. LOL, inmates don’t have money! Really important work you’re doing.

    • guest

      Actually, inmates can make money while in prison. I’m not sure if it depends on their sentencing and therefore what kind of prison they are in (i.e. low security, high security). But there are often jobs such as kitchen aids, janitor, etc. but they make a minuscule amount of money ($6-30 a month). 

  • Guest

    if i was the inmate. I would kill you for boring me. this sucks mate!!!

  • Jayscottmeyer

    All the arrogance I wanted with none of the funny I expected. kudos for missing the humor Mark and landing at solid prick instead.

  • http://twitter.com/iamnzane Marissa Zane

    Adding Insult to Injury: Incarceration Edition.

  • sneakypizza

    Boo.

  • Sweetpea9852

    That was awful.

  • Nope

    It’s less funny and more jackass.

  • Guest

    This would only be funny if you were signing someone else’s name and putting their return address on it.

  • Domino

    this is actually a great project, and you just completely screwed it up. 

  • Vinnie

    Look how easy it is so lie to people on the internet.  All the commenters believe me.

    • Guest

       idk considering the fact that you actually have a tumblr full of other letters to female inmates, one has to wonder

  • guest

    wow. this is actually the worst thing i’ve read on TC.
    who’s your next target? crippled people?

  • Michaelwg

    This is where a guidance counselor says something like “…you have so much potential…”

  • CLARA

    Schtoopid

  • M.-K.

    yo Vincent William Veneziani, this is not cool at all

  • Chelsea Fagan

    My god. That was amazing.

  • Jennifer Brunet

    Oh.

  • crazycatlady

    I just… don’t get it.

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