Instructions On How To Live A Happier Life
Walk with purpose down a busy street listening to Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own.” Imagine your life to be a movie starring Emily Blunt about someone who’s just trying to make it work, damn it! With every step you take, you are gaining strength and power over your crazy life. I’m in the corner watching you kiss her. SCREW YOU, EX BOYFRIEND! I’M GETTING A DOG SOON! I’m just gonna dance all night. YEP, I AM. JUST WATCH ME. I’M ACTUALLY DOING A HALF-DANCE RIGHT NOW ON THE WAY TO WORK AND THE FALAFEL VENDOR GUY IS GIVING ME WEIRD LOOKS BUT HE’S JUST JEALOUS. I’m not the girl you’re taking home. I’M THE GIRL YOU MARRY AND BUY AN APARTMENT WITH, DUH! (Look, I know this sounds crazy but just try it. Pop music saves lives, y’all!)
Invite a friend over on a rainy Sunday night and order an amount of food that would give Mary-Kate Olsen diabetes. Light candles, play your iPod, watch TV, let the couch swallow the both of you up, and GOSSIP. Tell stories about friends, relationships, jobs, and parents. It will feel like a cleanse of all the awful things you’ve been carrying around with you and you’ll leave the conversation feeling ten pounds lighter. (Emotionally, that is. Physically, you’ll definitely be fatter.)
Do a social networking cleanse. Delete your ex, delete anyone you don’t know IRL, even delete your mom. Every time you click “Unfollow” or “Remove from friends,” let out an audible moan and start twitching. It’s preferable if you do this in a public place like a coffee shop so people know just how happy you are.
Prank call your boss and say that you’re from the Labor Commission, investigating the plights of underpaid twentysomethings. “Buy your employees a pony, or else you’ll be arrested for being a d-bag!” Then order your boss to send all of you to a wellness center called Puling The Trigger that offers massages, horseback riding, and prostitutes for the average overworked, undersexed and underpaid American.
Call your parents and be like “OMG, I’m making six figures now! My boss is sending me to Portugal to experience life for free!” Watch them respond excitedly, “Really?!” and shout back, “No! Can I have ten dollars?” It’ll be funny and make you laugh which, in turn, will make you happier.
Read an issue of The New Yorker from start to finish and be like “Yep. I’m done for the year. Back to looking at pictures of Miley Cyrus’ sideboob.” Doing smart things will inflate your confidence and flood you with temporary feelings of contentment. Just do it.
Get to know your genitalia very intimately. Don’t ignore it. Imagine your penis or vagina to be a demanding diva who likes to scream, “AM I BEING HEARD?!” at you. Spend time with it. Get to know its wants and desires. Take it horseback riding. Make sure it’s satisfied. Otherwise, it will make your life a living hell.
If all of this fails, take whatever the doctor prescribes you. And then double it.
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It was excruciating. I was so bored. All we did was hold the throttle and sit there. All the coffee in the world couldn’t have kept me aware and upbeat. I stared at my odometer. Miles passed so slowly while time raced on.
He holds my hand in his lap, looks me directly into the eyes and says, “I love you more than the amount of sperm a blue robin makes.”
Took my own braces off with nail clippers.